By Ashley McIlwain
Perhaps you’ve seen it. It’s a blog post that’s gone viral called Marriage Isn’t For You. I’ve had countless people send the link my way telling me that I need to check it out, so I did. In the blog, a newly married husband shares about some wise advice his father gave him. The advice that’s created such a buzz? Marriage isn’t for you.
“Seth, you’re being totally selfish. So I’m going to make this really simple: marriage isn’t for you. You don’t marry to make yourself happy; you marry to make someone else happy. More than that, your marriage isn’t for yourself; you’re marrying for a family. Not just for the in-laws and all of that nonsense, but for your future children. Who do you want to help you raise them? Who do you want to influence them? Marriage isn’t for you. It’s not about you. Marriage is about the person you married.”
It’s true; marriage isn’t about us. It’s not about how we feel, or what we get out of it. It’s not about our happiness, or what our spouse can do for us. That’s a byproduct of our primary concern which is for our spouse. For their happiness. It’s about what we can do for them, and what we put into the marriage.
To be honest, I was a little surprised to see this blog post go so viral. Not because it’s not a good blog post, but because this isn’t a revolutionary concept. It’s actually a pretty simple and straightforward model that successful marriages have built upon since the beginning of time. Right? Or is it? Apparently over the course of time this fundamental notion that marriage isn’t just some self-serving entity that is merely about supplying our own personal wants and needs but rather those of our spouse has gotten lost. The heartbeat of marriage – a servant’s heart – has been forgotten. It seems a reminder is needed.
Part of the problem? The constant and relentless marketing whirlwind around us that life is all about our individual happiness and “betterment.” Except that the betterment marketers target is superficial. In fact, they look for our insecurities and exploit them. If you get this, then you’ll be happy. Buy this product, and you will be the most gorgeous woman ever. Once you get this product, you’ll be an irresistible man. Snag this item, and you’ll have the perfect life. What does this do for us in the grand scheme of things though? It’s creates a vicious cycle of selfishness and discontentment that permeates nearly every area of our lives.
Here’s a news flash: there’s no product, service, or even person that can make you permanently happy. Which brings me to a bigger issue with why “marriage isn’t for you.”
We can’t expect our spouse to make us whole. Or unendingly happy. Or to make us feel warm and fuzzy all the time. Or “complete.” Our husband or wife is human, just like us, and they will let you down at times. They can’t possibly make you happy at all times. They can’t be responsible for overcoming or changing false core beliefs you have about yourself. They can’t serve as God.
Marriage isn’t a substitute for God. Our identity, contentment, and joy come from our identity as followers of Christ. We were chosen by Him and adopted as His children (Ephesians 1:4). When we anchor our purpose, identity, and hope in Christ alone, we are then able to rightly position our spouse as second in rank to God and not responsible for our identity or wholeness. It also aims our expectations from self-centered things to selfless ambitions.
Perhaps this concept that “marriage isn’t for me” needs to be taken a step further. Marriage is a gift from God. He created us male and female and gave us one another for a purpose (Genesis 2:18-25). Being made in the image of God, we desire and long for relationship and communion. And like the Trinity, we are united as one and yet serve different functions with one ultimate purpose (Genesis 1:24, 26, Matthew 28:19), which is a beautiful and somewhat confusing mystery (Ephesians 5:31-32).
When we realize that marriage is God-ordained and created for a bigger purpose than our own short-lived whims, it gives us a different outlook on how we conduct ourselves in our marriage. Our marriage is a ministry. We are to help our spouse (Genesis 2:18). That means we care for, tend to, and protect him/her. It means we hold one another accountable, encourage each other, and assist one another in pursuing God’s calling on our lives. It means we love our spouse like Christ would, even when they are undeserving of it. We are their earthly example of our Heavenly Father’s love. When we get that, we also realize that when we love our spouse this way, it displays Christ’s love for others to see.
What a powerful concept and huge responsibility! Marriage isn’t for me; it’s for the Lord. It’s for my spouse to see and experience God’s love through me. It’s for the world to see and experience God’s love through the love in our marriage.
This is a game changer; isn’t it?
Yes, God wants us to be fulfilled in our marriage, and He wants us to be loved and enjoy the companionship that comes with having a spouse. Of course He does, which is why He created and established this beautiful union to begin with. But, He also wants more from us. He wants us to help our spouse to experience His love through us and to be supported and propelled to accomplish the great plans He has for him/her (Jeremiah 29:11). He wants us to show the people around us what His love looks like by demonstrating it firsthand in our marriage.
Our marriage is our greatest ministry!
Copyright © 2013, Foundation Restoration. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. No reproduction allowed without written permission from Foundation Restoration and/or the author.
Really great article. So many people try to find their identity in their spouse. Often that leads to discontentment and feeling like nothing is ever good enough. But if our identity is in God first then we are able to show our spouse a glimpse of God’s love for us. Such great insight, thanks!
Anonymous, so true! Contentment in life and in our spouse/marriage comes from that underlying anchor in our identity in Christ! Thanks for sharing and for the encouragement!
Love how you expanded and added a spiritual element to a very important subject.
Delta, thank you!
If more spouses would understand this they would find that fulfillment within themselves that they tend to look for with material things or extramarital activities. You will be your happiest while tending to the happiness and security of your husband or wife.
Kristen, yes! Thanks for sharing!
You are so very well spoken and hit each point right on target!
Mandy, wow! Thank you so much for your incredibly kind words of encouragement!