By Steve McIlwain
Hubs here.
I have heard countless engaged couples gush unending praise on their spouse-to-be that you would swear they are marrying a literally flawless human being. Conversely, I have heard so many married couples recite endless monologues of the innumerable evils of their spouse that you would swear they married Satan himself. What’s the deal with engaged couples floating in a euphoric bubble and married people living in the lower sanctum of hell?
I guess, on a certain level, it makes sense. Engaged couples are typically experiencing young, blossoming adoration; the dreamy rush of loving and being loved. It’s fresh, it’s new, it’s limitless. On the other hand, numerous married couples find themselves deep in the throes of grating flaws and unfulfilled dreams; a wasteland of what could have been. The once wistful relationship transforms into an inescapable prison.
As a result of this dichotomy, incompatible couples get married and spouses suffer unfulfilling marriages. So here’s an anecdote. This may be oversimplified, this may seem cheesy, and this may be something you’ve already heard. In and of itself it will not fix your marriage. However, it is a powerful lens to view your current relationship. Here it is: engaged couples should have both eyes open, and married couples should have one eye closed.
Both Eyes Open
While it’s a time of excitement and enjoyment, engagement is also a time of invaluable analysis and preparation. You are literarily setting the stage for the rest of your life … I repeat, the rest of your life! Now is the time to be fully aware of your partner’s flaws and shortcomings. While you don’t want to spend your engagement fixated on an FBI-like investigation of your soon-to-be-spouse, you absolutely must keep a careful, watchful eye. Getting 100% wrapped up in the emotion of wedding planning can set you up for potential disaster in marriage.
Make sure to take a step back and honestly examine your fiancé and relationship. Be on the look-out for red flags. Extreme differences in lifestyle, interests, religion, and/or finances are absolutely items to dig deeper and ensure compatibility. Warning signs from family & friends can be a powerful source of direction. Although you are marrying this person, not your family/friends, they offer tremendous insight into yourself and your relationship. Warnings from this group of people should be carefully examined and thought through.
If you do have concerns or doubts, carefully scrutinize them. Be 100% honest with yourself … if you’re not, it’s to your own detriment. Are your concerns manageable or un-manageable? Are you fully committed to enduring them for the rest of your life? Are your reasons for staying in the relationship valid? We’ve heard many couples say, “I’ve invested too much time,” “It will break his/her heart,” “We’re too far along in the process,” or “Our family/friends will be devastated.” Those are certainly tough issues, but none of them are reasons to move forward into marriage. If you’re wrestling with these excuses, you’ve likely already made your decision but feel bad ending the relationship.
An engagement is a step towards marriage … but it’s not marriage. Any time before “I do” is never too late to call off a wedding. It’s an extremely tough decision, it takes an overwhelming amount of courage, and it can be flat out heart-breaking. Plus, you don’t want to make the wrong decision. But ultimately you owe it to yourself and your fiancé to be completely candid about your true, deep feelings. Keep your eyes wide open, and if you genuinely feel that this is not the right person for you, call it off. Now is the time to be hyper-vigilant.
One Eye Closed
So you’ve examined your spouse, you know exactly what you’re getting into, and you’ve prepared yourself for a life-long commitment, now what? Close one eye. That’s right, turn a blind eye towards your spouse’s shortcomings and annoyances.
Your spouse is a complex organism that has been shaped by the relationships and experiences of their life. Hopefully during your dating and engaged years you learned enough about them to really know who they are as a person. And since you married them, it’s fairly safe to assume that what you know about them, you generally like. Sure they have their quirks, but those are no big deal, right? Well life has a way of taking those cute quirks and turning them into ugly little demons, morphing your relationship into little more than a frustrating, dazing series of encounters.
Perhaps you are frustrated with your spouse’s annoying quirks. Maybe you can’t stand the way they handle certain situations. Possibly every move they make simply irritates you. It may be time for you to close one eye. Here’s the deal: your spouse is different than you. They handle things differently, make decisions differently, and live differently. Sure they have their maddening idiosyncrasies, but the halo above your head is a figment of your imagination (not to say that you aren’t amazing). You chose your spouse. They have an amazing set of traits. There is so much value to them. Yet so many of us miss out on the remarkable traits of our spouse because we’re completely focused on their shortcomings.
This absolutely does not excuse problems, and it is not meant to encourage poor decisions and destructive behavior. If your spouse is engaged in damaging, harmful conduct, you simply cannot look past that. Those types of situations require honest, often difficult, and sometimes professional conversations to start working through those issues. The “closing one eye” situation refers to things we fixate on that in the end don’t really matter.
The time to be hyper critical is before you get married. The time to be blinded by love is after the wedding. If you are engaged, make sure you closely examine your fiancés traits and make sure they are items you can live with for the rest of your life. Be true to yourself, listen to the people close to you, and if needed, end your engagement before it mutates into a bad marriage. If you are married, stop focusing on your spouse’s shortcomings and annoyances. Embrace who they are, and focus on their strengths. Close one eye to the things that don’t matter so you can focus on the amazing qualities you fell in love with.
Copyright © 2012, Foundation Restoration. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. No reproduction allowed without written permission from Foundation Restoration and/or the author.
How is it that no one has commented on this post? This is an exceedingly well written. My wife and I just celebrated our 15th. It was grand. We are better now than 15 years ago too. I think married couples often times stop growing both as individuals and subsequently as a couple. If the two of ya ain’t bringin’ it, it ain’t gonna work. It is quite natural to bring it when we are on the market, but as you say, the time to do that is when you’ve committed. Again, a fine post. Thank you.
CJ, thanks for sharing your thoughts! I thought this was an excellent article by Steve too that covered something so important yet often overlooked. Congratulations on 15 years of marriage! The time to “bring it” is definitely once you’re married! That’s when it really counts 🙂 Thanks for your kind words of encouragement for Steve!