Have you ever heard of someone going on a huge trip somewhere new, exotic, and exciting? Perhaps you have done that yourself. Let’s say though that the person headed out on their big adventure goes without a map, directions, plans, or any idea of the language, currency, weather, etc. of their destination. What if that person did zero research and planning at all? They just set out on this momentous trip and hoped for the best.
My guess is that the trip would probably be a complete and total disaster. Not only would it not be fun and exciting, but it would be frustrating, stressful, and a complete flop. While spontaneity can be thrilling, there are situations where it is appropriate and others where it is stupidity. Most of you would say, “There is no way I would ever go on a trip without some type of planning.” Unfortunately a lot of you would be wrong. Many people take the biggest trip of their life without planning at all, and then they wonder why they end up nowhere fast.
This journey I am referencing is marriage. Marriage is like planning a trip to a foreign land you know nothing about. The language, climate, environment, process, people … pretty much everything … is completely new and different. Yet, despite embarking on a voyage into uncharted waters, very few people do any, let alone sufficient, planning for the excursion. “We love each other, and it will all just work out.” Riiiiight.
Love
A little perspective: marriage doesn’t just work out on its own. It is also not fueled by emotional bliss that we call love. The true definition of love is not about fleeting emotions but a secure, anchored commitment that stands the test of time. The word “love” has gotten tossed around like a piece of debris at sea during a hurricane. “I love ice cream.” “I love going for runs.” “I love my dog.” “I love that show.” We love everything. It’s not that we really love those things; it’s that those things give us emotional thrills that we enjoy. That’s not love, and that’s the first problem we encounter in sailing the seas of marriage.
Marriage is built on the action of love. Love in the truest, purest sense. Marital love is commitment through the good the bad and the ugly. It’s guiding, not following, your heart to stay true to your spouse when you don’t feel in love. It seeks the very best for your spouse even when it means sacrificing your own personal agenda, feelings, or preferences. True love means that you forgive, admire, respect, and encourage your spouse. You never give up, keep tally, or berate. Love – the kind that lasts – is marked by all of the characteristics of 1 Corinthians 13:4-8.
Many times couples don’t spend any time discovering what it means to love your spouse. What is the definition of love? What does that look like? What does it entail? Do I understand it, and am I ready to truly embody it? Instead, couples are hung up on these emotions, and then they want to bow out when they don’t feel in love anymore. First step – understand what love really is and then get serious about loving your spouse. That means for better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do you part. That’s serious stuff that every person should intently ponder upon before ever saying, “I do!” If you are already married, it’s time to make sure you and your spouse understand what love is, means, and entails, and then make the commitment to exemplify it every single day.
The Foreign Land of Gender
On the journey to marital fulfillment is the need for understanding more about the interaction between a husband and wife. While complimentary to one another, men and women are totally different. Talk about a foreign land; the opposite gender is about as foreign as it gets. We think, feel, perceive, communicate, operate, and everything in between, differently. God created man and woman to be different, which can make things challenging at times, but it’s the perfect equation for success in life.
Have you ever heard a band, choir, or ensemble sing in unison? They are all hitting different notes, but they create this amazing harmony when combined. Or think about a sports team. Most teams have, at the simplest form, an offense and defense. They serve two totally different functions and have two separate roles, but together they are a winning combination. Marriage is just like this. Men and women, while different, are equal, complimentary, and harmonizing. A husband and wife are an unbeatable team when they understand their roles and work together.
It’s important to understand those differences and then embrace them. Ladies, you married your man because of who he is – his strength, character, and manly characteristics. Guys, you married your wife because of who she is – her gentleness, discernment, and lady-like characteristics. We crave the differences of our spouse, and yet, we also try to do away with them. Would it be easier to be exactly the same? Maybe, but that’s not what we really want or need. Plus, that’s not how God created us, and I am pretty confident that He knew what He was doing. Men and women are two different genders with two different roles and two unique skill sets that when brought together properly and respectfully, they are an unstoppable duo.
Work
Finally, marriage is a lot of work. That’s right; a successful, fulfilling marriage requires day-in-and-day-out work. The harder you work at being a great husband or wife, the better your marriage will be. The more you educate yourself on the needs and desires of your spouse, the sooner you will pushing all the right buttons. The more you assert yourself and pour your heart and soul into your marriage, the more you will find fulfillment, pleasure, and success.
There is nothing in this life that comes without a price. Your job requires you to put in the time and effort to keep it and hopefully get promoted. That hobby you love so much; you are only as good as the time you put into getting better at it. That garden you started is only as fruitful as the time and care you put into it. Marriage is no different. You cannot expect your marriage to thrive when you are neglecting it. It can only grow when you are nurturing it and giving it the tender, love, and care it so desperately needs and flourishes on.
Working hard at your marriage is the greatest investment of yourself that you can make. Trust me when I say that it is always worth it. The more you put in, the better it is and the more it fulfills you. You put in the time, effort, and energy to snag that spouse of yours off the market, now make sure that you are putting in even more effort to cherish the precious prize you have won. The real work shouldn’t have already occurred during the dating process; it begins after those vows are exchanged.
Marriage is incredible. Despite some nay-sayers, there is no greater blessing on this earth than having a spouse to share this life with. A spouse gives you strength, love, excitement, and purpose. God designed marriage to be a fulfilling entity here on earth that embodies the love He has for us. It is incredibly sacred and special, but you can’t head out on the journey without understanding where you are going and why. Take the time to understand the commitment of marriage, what it means to love your spouse, celebrate your differences, and then put in the work it deserves. If you do, I can promise you that your life’s journey will be the most incredible, amazing, exciting, and wonderful trip you have ever taken.
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So well written and really hits home. I’m seeing a current trend in marriages much like the return policy at Walmart…The heart is deceitful and can create a lot of confusion if your marriage is built only on that first attractive layer of emotional “love”.
Wonderful article today as well! This article struck me because too often I get annoyed with my husband for not putting enough work into our marriage but I realized that I’ve slacked off as well. Great reminder that we need to work at love.
Thanks to each of you for stopping by the website, commenting, and supporting us! How greatly I appreciate you!! Please make sure to keep stopping by, sharing your thoughts, and spreading the word! Blessings to each of you!
Fiona, great comment! I agree with you; there is too much “return policy” mentalities out there. Great point; thanks for sharing!
Nicole, thanks for your honesty! We all need to work hard at love, and both partners need to give it their best effort every day, which isn’t always an easy thing to do. I’m so glad you enjoyed the article!
Anonymous, thanks for your comment! It’s amazing how much planning and effort we put into things but then neglect our marriages. It’s a reminder for myself as much as anyone.
Rachel, I appreciate your comment! I’m like you; I get frustrated when things get off track in my marriage. It’s a lot of work … every single day, but it’s so worth it! Thanks for your participation and support!
Joshua, thank you for stopping by and sharing your thoughts; we appreciate it! And congratulations … you are our winner of the cuff links and tie bar!
Reggie, thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences with us! I went skydiving once and thoroughly enjoyed it 🙂 You are right on; marriages should be built on strong foundations, which comes from planning. Congratulations to you and your wife Ruth on nearly 13 years of marriage!! Keep up the great work! I really appreciate your comment and kind words! Thanks for stopping by!
Megan, I appreciate your encouragement! Thank you for stopping by and subscribing to our newsletter!
Heather, thanks for sharing! It’s so true; I would not want to be married to myself 🙂 Being so different can be challenging, but God knew what He was doing. I’m so thankful for my husband and my differences; that’s what makes us such a great team! Love hearing the kind words about your husband! And congratulations … you are the winner of our gold locket necklace!!
Trisha, I was so touched by your comment! Thank you so much for your incredibly kind words of encouragement!! That’s exactly why I set up this resource — to help build and maintain strong relationships. Congratulations to you and your fiance! With you putting so much effort into educating yourself and planning for your marriage, you are setting yourself up for success! Thank you so much for the encouraging words and support; it is greatly appreciated!!
Carol, thank you!! I sure pray so … every single day!
Georgia, thanks! So glad you enjoyed this!
Janice, thank you! I appreciate your stopping by and encouragement!
This is so true! We plan and prepare for so many things in life yet somehow think marriage doesn’t require the same. It is a constant learning experience and we should consistently be equipping ourselves and working to make our marriage better. Thanks for the reminder!!!
Awesome way to describe marriage! I hate getting lost or things not going according to my plans on a roadtrip and get even more frustrated with things going off track with my marriage!! Great article!
I liked you on facebook, shared the link and signed up with the newsletter.
good article, thanks for reminding us guys.
Great reminder, Ashley!
I appreciate the fact that you do address that “spontaneity can be thrilling.” However, I agree “planning” is key for a lasting experience. Whether we’re speaking about the Sacrament of Marriage, or a skydiving experience, planning is essential. I certainly enjoyed speeding to Earth 100 miles an hour, but I enjoyed the experience while our plane took us 13,000 feet in the air, while I was the freefall, as we landed, and many moons later sharing the experience with everyone. The same would apply to marriage where starting with the proper foundation, a couple is able to build on living, sharing, and remembering a journey that was set in motion through well-thought of planning.
Ruth and I will be married 13 years this November, but we remember our premarital workshops at our Church, which made sure we REALLY were prepared to take on this journey together. We remember being reminded that our indiviual efforts didn’t “end” at the ring exchange since we were to be united as one, but rather we would work our “individualities” (is that a word?) into a unified effort to understand the responsibilites of our married and family life.
Ruth and I have shared your site with our friends, soon-to-be-married AND the married. Keep up the great work, Ashley!
Great article!! The website looks great as well!
I subscibed to the news letter.
Great article. After 8 years I think one of the hardest things to remember is that God created us to “think” completely different. This can be quite frustrating at times, but how boring it would be if I married someone just like me. I have the most incredible, loving husband.
I have been following your articles for some time in Anticipation of strengthening my current relationship and preparing myself for married life. Your articles never cease to offer an insight that I never thought of or learning something new. I really believe that your website can give a strong foundation to relationships. It touches my heart when I see couples that have been married for decades. I’m hoping by educating myself with your resources, I will be prepared for any relationship hurdles that my fiancé and I might stumble upon in order to one day own the bragging rights of a lifetime of marriage. Thank you very much for your hard work to spread your knowledge! It’s really appreciated. I just signed up for the newsletter and twitter and I am looking forward to those communications. Thank you!! God bless!
Great job! You’re touching lives!
Great Article! Makes one really think!
Good job, Ashley! Interesting and very informative articles!