Ashley,
Another great article! I really think that last advise about ex’s is right on!
Thank you!

Great advice. These are rock solid principles to safeguard your marriage.

Great article! I couldn’t agree more. It certainly is a gray area and as for me I know that I was in the same scenario as you and working in a male dominated industry, such that is aviation, it is really tough to find female friends in general. Thankfully, God has given me one good friend in the same industry and hopefully he will provide more. It certainly can be frustrating.

I think this is totally important. You need to think about how you would feel if your hubby or soon to be hubby was chummy with women. It’s hard to shake. Now if finding girlfriends was as easy as online dating….lol! Great write up.

Great post!

This topic in general is one that is difficult to cover, without making it sound harsh to the friends of the opposite sex. Nevertheless, if these friends really respected the boundaries, they actually appreciate the fact that you DO have boundaries.

From a personal perspective, when I was single I hung out with both sexes pretty equally. Now that I’m married, I still maintain friendships with female friends who are single. However, Rules #2 and #3 kick in when I feel something might be developing into trouble. Personally, even the appearance of something brewing is enough for me to seriously consider Rule #3. A few times I have had to invoke the cold shoulder, just to show that if anything was leading to the wrong direction, that cold shoulder would be an obvious red flag to my friend. If I was incorrect with my assessment, so be it. I tend to think I have good judgement in selecting friends, so when I do take corrective measures, ture friendships will survive those corrective measures.

I’d like to think that each time I had to take a corrective measure that I was too cautious, but nevertheless I could not entertain the idea of destroying what I’m building with my wife, for something inappropriate.

Rule #5 is the rule that sends the clearest message to both the friend and to your spouse. When you go out on a limb and cut off ties, you made a stand and it echoes in external actions, and internal as well. Doing so, you never have to challenge that internal voice that is heart of all decision-making.

I’ll be sure to spread your post to those who have asked about these situations and what rules exist. Great job!

Reggie

Couldn’t agree more, Ashley! Thanks for your courage to broach this subject!

So true! Better safe than sorry. I 100% agree! Lauren, lholmes79.wordpress.com

Based on personal experience, my husband and I would both agree with this. We’ve both been in situations where we’ve felt the need to flee or distance ourselves because an opposite sex friendship no longer felt right. There were some feelings hurt when the relationships had to change, but I think it is one of those things you don’t quite understand until you’re married or experience it for yourself.

It can be tough when you have to work closely with opposite sex coworkers, as you can’t always be surrounded by other people — but I think just being aware that potential risks exist helps in that scenario and makes you more self aware.

I’m a guy’s girl too, and finding female friends is hard for me to this day, which I’m trying to change. Good thing I found a good guy!

Great article!! John and I were just talking about this subject because we see so many people who have best friends who are opposite genders. of corse we see the same problems you mentioned

Ashley, full disclosure, I am a happily married man of 30 years. Love my wife. I would say that we have a beautiful, passionate marriage. My wife is my best friend. I am also close friends with a couple of women. My closest friend after my is a single woman. We’ve been friends for ten years. To celebrate our tenth year “friendaversary” we (my friend and I) took a 12 day road trip and visited her hometown.

I’ve done significant research in this area. I’m curious if you see ever see male clients alone. As you know, a significant number of therapists meet with the opposite gender alone and nurture an intense interpersonal intimacy with them in the context of professional relationship.

Thanks. I needed to find this discussion, which clarifies a lot I have been struggling to understand. It helps me see the importance of staying focused on my own individual potential and also on becoming and remaining my wife’s best friend in all the world. I seem to fall in love easily, sometimes having a very strong sense that a perfect stranger seen across a room reminds me of some forgotten heaven. But even the mental pursuit of a friendship that could compromise and jeopardize my relationship with myself, my wife, my children is just not something I can continue to wish for, no matter how “spiritual” the attraction to another seems to be. I’m grateful I have avoided outright affairs; now I really see there are benign forces encouraging me to get these questions sorted and settled so I can get on with the real inspiration of being “all here” for myself, my wife of 46 years, our now grown children, and our first grandchild, with whom we spend quite a lot of time.

The friends I do have who are women help me with their own good boundaries. Most of these are musicians I’ve had occasion to travel with to weddings, church services, etc. now and then over some years. And I’ve been able to reconnect on the internet with others from the distant past without going too nuts. But a little enthusiasm for another can easily be taken the wrong way, so I’m still learning to “walk the line”.

Ashley, thank you for your substantive comments. I’m not a professionally trained therapist but I have researched this issue as it pertains to therapists talking to them about this issue as well as reading what the industry is doing. As you might know, there is no monolithic view on this even among devoted Christians who are therapists. There is quite a diversity of positions out there among trained professionals. I respect you for being consistent (seeing no male clients alone).

I would say to live life fully, life is full of relational risks (look at Jesus in the Gospels who was not afraid to meet women when no one else was around). Jesus meeting women, engaging women, not being afraid to touch them or not being afraid to receive their touch in a culture that thought women were temptresses, whores, servants, or foolish, speaks volumes to man-made rules (see too, Colossians 2:23).

I think when people offer only two narratives for men and women (the romantic trajectory or the danger story) it reinforces those two options as choices. There are multitudes of men and women who have learned to be together alone in their workplaces, learned to travel, learned to be close who don’t fit into the two narratives.

Ashley,
I find this particular line probably the most personally troublesome in your entire blog: “If your friend is showing a slight interest or makes some off-color remarks occasionally, cut off that friendship.” I once had a female mentor in my life who was my best friend and like a spiritual mom to me. Problem was, I started to develop a crush on her husband. I hated myself terribly for that crush. I tried all sorts of things to get over that – eventually confessing to her what was going on in my head. And we tried everything – I avoided him, he avoided me, and somehow, this only served to fuel the obsession. I was suicidal at one point because I couldn’t seem to make this obsession go away.
I think the only thing that saved me was carefully learning – retraining – in the MIDST of relationship with both of them – how to think about him in correct terms. Running away just did more damage – walking in the light, and learning how to walk with him in the CORRECT type of sister/brother friendship with his wife at his side, was the only thing that renewed my mind towards him and helped me get over that stupid crush.
I think we too easily deprive people in community the opportunity to be healed BY community. I’m so glad my friends didn’t abandon me because of my sin – although it was a rocky and confusing road, we walked through it together to victory. And now that is long behind us.
I’ve learned to do the same things with my guy friends – or even girls who reveal to me they have lesbian tendencies. I don’t run from people just because they have feelings for me that I can’t control. I no longer feel I have to control what others feel around me – it’s “ok” if that guy or girl has a feeling that I don’t want to reciprocate. I’m still their friend. I know from my own experience that the best healing for them comes as I continue to show them where our relationship is really at – what friendship without romance looks like coming from my end.
If we let fear of sin keep us from community in the body of Christ, even with the opposite sex, then we might as well go back to having churches that are divided down the middle – one side for the men and one side for the women (and the women should sit behind a screen.) We should all wear dresses that cover the female form and we might want to consider veiling our faces too. No – Jesus came so that we can defeat sin another way – the power in the midst of us teaches us together, corporately how to walk in holiness without having to make rules to keep ourselves in check. The days of “look not, taste not” which have the appearance of wisdom, do no value in restraining the flesh. Our only promise of defeating the flesh is “if you walk in the Spirit, you will not gratify the desires of the flesh.” Walking in the Spirit needs to be done corporately, in the light with one another, having a heart towards those who need restoration rather than simply being shunned for their disclosures of innappropriate attractions.

Ashley, one other thing –
When I read commentors on your blog saying things like, “It’s scary to see how many married people have friends of the opposite gender, ” do you realize that you are influencing everyone who reads your blog to inwardly criticize and condemn in their hearts everyone they meet who is married and has an opposite sex friendship? I understand you think that this is not generally a good idea, but, surely you have seen many married people who have perfectly healthy friendships with people of the opposite sex with their spouses full approval, where those relationship have never been a challenge to their marriage and most likely never will be anything but a blessing. It would be a shame if all those people eventually found themselves condemned without cause by well-meaning christian friends who have read this blog and look at them and say, “tsk tsk!” This may be an unintended consequence that your writing has on those who read this.

Heather, if you think Ashley is saying that women should sit behind a screen, you’re missing the point. The fact is: many marriage-ending affairs begin through innocent opposite gender relationships. A lot of people out there would rather defend their friendships than their marriage. Ashley is simply cautioning people to be extremely aware of these types of situations. Sounds like good advice to me.

Thanks Ashley for a great post about opposite-sex friendships. I couldn’t agree with you more. The #1 thing for me is looking from the perspective of temptation. Why would I want to put myself in a situation where I could so easily be tempted? The Bible is clear with this: Matthew 26:41 says “Watch and pray, that you enter not into temptation: the spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak.” That is a command from God!! He knows what the devil is capable of and commands His children to not put ourselves in tempting situations. According to 1 Peter 5:8, the devil is “a roaring lion, walking about, seeking whom he may devour.” Satan is not going to present the opposite-sex friendship with red flashing lights so that we stay away. He is going to present them as innocent; he will make us think “nothing is going to happen, we’re just friends” or “I can handle this if it goes too far” or “he’s like my brother”. We are setting ourselves up for failure, and the devil is just sitting there waiting to pounce. Like you said, we are not talking about saying hi to someone of the opposite sex or having a conversation with someone at work. We are talking about deep, intimate relationships (remember, intimate does not equal sexual) with someone of the opposite sex who is not your spouse. The only way to battle temptation is to put on the full armor of God (Eph 6:10-17) and to hide His Word in our heart (Psalms 119:11). As we are submersing ourselves in the Word of God, He will make it clear to us where these boundaries need to be. And while our flesh may continue to struggle with this issue, our spirit will be convicted and we will clearly see how intimate, opposite-sex relationships can be dangerous.

As a husband, I am commanded to love my wife, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her. It’s not a coincidence we are referred to as Christ’s Bride (John 3). God sacrificed everything, and made no compromises because it was the only way he could demonstrate that we could Trust him, and live harmoniously with him. God tells us that through our Marriages, his perfect and sacrificial love is demonstrated to the world.

In the same way our relationship with Christ suffers when we give our attention to other ‘gods’, I believe our Marriages will suffer when we as husbands give our attention to other ‘brides’.

It is a dangerous and selfish practice to think you are risk free by maintaining personal relationships with women who are not your wife. Why would you create even the slightest opportunity for jealousy and envy to creep into one of the most sacred privileges we have as Christians?

“Wrath is cruel, anger is overwhelming, but who can stand before jealousy?” (Proverbs 24)

At the end of the day, God’s word is sufficient to provide us with the wisdom we need to make common sense decisions as Husbands (and Wives). Am I friendly with my female colleague of 5 years that I see on a daily basis? Of course. Do I go out to lunch, or have cocktails with her, or go on a 12 day road-trip with her? Absolutely not.

Your wife is sacred. Your marriage is a powerful testimony of God’s perfect love for us. Protect it at all costs.

Reed, I appreciate your deep respect for your wife. I do see that you affirm the danger story. I think there is a good and appropriate place for the danger story. However, if I may pusback, there is so much more in the Scripture than just these two stories. Jesus prayed that we all might be one (John 17). He doesn’t pray that men and women get married so that one flesh will bear witness to the world that he and the Father are one. There is a spousal union that is important, Scripture, testifies. We are in agreement there. But there is so much more in Scripture that testifies to a oneness between men and women (Gal. 3:28), Jesus’ engagement with women–you don’t get a sense from Jesus that women are sources of temptresses, whores, or irresistible objects of temptations. Jesus did not treat the women he was close to everyday like they were women of temptation in Proverbs 7:10-22. You don’t find Jesus giving us external rules to follow as a path of wisdom when it comes to love between men and women.

Furthermore, just as a man is supposed to lay down his life for his wife (Eph. 5), all followers are to lay down their lives for their friends (John 15) not just their spouses.

I think the Word does help us discern cultural conformity to particular romantic theories of love and brothers-sisters in Christ who are not married to each other. In Jesus’ day, the adult sibling bond was very close, emotionally deep. The brother-sister metaphor in the New Testament gives us rich discernment for developing close bonds with the opposite sex.

Perhaps you have a unique situation that God has blessed, and I honor your individual judgment and wisdom as a brother in Christ.

However as a general rule of thumb I don’t think the example being set forth to married couples (particularly new ones)should be that it’s OK to spend multiple nights together with another woman, away from your wife.

Reed,

Thanks! Oh, I’m not championing that every spouse go out on trips with their cross-gender friend. Wisdom, full-blooded transparency, intimacy, attunement, deep trust among all parties involved all come into play before anything like that happens. Not all adult siblings who are married travel and take trips without their spouses. But I know of siblings who have.

I think many good well-intentioned Christian communities devoted to Christ and the Scriptures nurture only 2 dominant narratives (romantic) and (danger). I argue in my book *Sacred Unions, Sacred Passions* for a healthy, robust middle alternative to Hollywood and romance novels.

I don’t think black-and-white rules keep men and women from committing adultery (Col. 2:23). There have been plenty of Christian communities who have kept all sorts of segregated rules and yet divorce and sexual brokeness happens.

Well, there you have it……..”in my book”. Tells me everything I need to know! People are free to make any mistake they want…..the wise will heed warnings.

I cried while reading this article.. It precisely and accurately explains every thought and feelings that i have regarding this issue. I cried because this has always been my stand and my husband never gets to understand me everytime i explain this to him. We always argue on this matter because he would always insist that I am being insecure and narrow minded. This is just perfect! You said it all. For those who may have good and lasting friendship with the opposite sex (without their marriage being jeopardized), good for you. But human as we are, we are all very vulnerable to temptation and even “falling in love” … At any time! And it may happen to anyone regardless he or she is young or old.. Single.. Or engaged or even married and has children! INFIDELITY MAY STRIKE ANYWHERE AT ANYTIME WITH ANYONE… so its really better to avoid falling into the pit. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts.this is really heart warming. I am so glad i can now prove to my husband that i am not being narrow minded and im not the only one thinking like this.

I am facing a tortuous twist on all this… My wife’s best friend (female) died in an auto accident and the husband has now created a great “friend” attachment to my wife. I want to be charitable, but I don’t like any emotional attachment developing with my wife. Emails / texts /calls multiple times per day and a 2 hour private meeting each week. He’s always hinting and probing for more time / access. I trust her completely as she has a great heart. I want her to serve and be who she is, but I just really can’t take much more. Every time we talk about it, I end up looking like a bad guy. I don’t even want to bring it up, but it drives me crazy. Suggestions?

In looking at the rules, it sure does seem like there is an awful lot of fear and mistrust perculating among them. Why is that? I guess if you can’t trust yourself or can’t trust your opposite sex friends, then that’s a shame. But if that’s what you have to do, that’s what you have to do. But with all that mistrust and fear, I would imagine that it becomes very easy to put your marriage on an island, doesn’t it? Is that really the only way a marriage can survive? Is that really loving? I think a spouse is the most important person in any married individual’s life, but I don’t know why with the proper love, communication and respect, someone couldn’t have a close friend of the opposite gender. Boundaries are important in any relationship, but they should be based on the positive aspects of life, not the negative ones. I think if your friendships are defined by fear and mistrust, your marriage is going to be defined by the same factors. Love your spouse, respect your spouse, and they should love and respect you, too. Life is far too short, and too difficult to limit close friendships. They’re hard enough to come by as it is. For the guys and girls that are mature enough to make it work, any friendship, cross-gender or not, is far too valuable to set aside for the “sake of a marriage”. I would argue that a good marriage is supported by positive, close friendships, and opposite gender friendships can be a part of that, too. It may be somewhat rare because of societal reasons (and that’s too bad, as well), but it can, should and does happen, and like any real friendship, it should be celebrated and cherished.

It seems like the “marriage on an island” crowd including the OP, must find it easier both to A) deal with multiple people’s emotional issues and B) go from thinking someone is attractive to taking it physical, than I do personally. I am married and have been in a few monogamous relationships and each of them have involved shouldering my partner’s emotional burdens in a way I simply don’t have the energy to do for anyone else at that particular time. I just don’t have it in me to put more than a 2-second checkout’s energy into validating another woman’s attractiveness. That’s in addition to not wanting to disrespect my wife and marriage, which is.

That said, my female friends aren’t on some deep talk-to-me-about-all-your-issues level, more on a lunch-every-four-months level.

I would have to respectfully disagree on some of your points, and I question some of the conclusions that are drawn. Opposite gender friendships (and any friendship, really) should result in communication between spouses to discuss the impact the friendship has on the marriage. I would argue that the “dangers”, “increased temptations”, and “problems” gain a foothold when there are issues – such as poor communication, respect and love – within the marriage that need to be worked out. It certainly sounds like you and your husband have a very healthy relationship and marriage and that’s wonderful. It also sounds to me that you have been able to cultivate some stronger friendships with other gentlemen from your social circle, and that’s positive as well. I wasn’t actually “attacking” your marriage per say, my intention was to speak more generally, but your answer shows that what I said does hold true – if the marriage is healthy, opposite gender friendships can be enriching. I actually would be interested to know how many same-sex friendships have been poisoning to a marriage? I know that happens from experiences of my friends and family. The dynamic is perhaps different, but I think the fundamentals stay the same: respect, communication and love make all the difference. I would say that a same-gender friendship can be just as negative to a marriage as an opposite-gender one if those fundamentals aren’t in place. I think perhaps there may be some confusion in what I wrote as well – I didn’t say that everybody should seek an opposite-gender close friend, or that there wasn’t a need for boundaries. Every relationship starts with boundaries. What I said was that with the right combination of those positive aspects, an opposite-gender close friendship is very possible, and if it happens, it should be celebrated. A close friendship with anyone, same-gender or not, takes effort, and not everyone has the time or energy to maintain a close friendship outside of the marriage. For those that do, it’s a special relationship to have. Finally, I do have to say that I don’t agree with “wisdom” and “foresight” meaning what you said they mean. Your rules essentially say “never spend quality time with a person of the opposite gender after you are married”, and I think that is sad. An opposite gender friendship is not predisposed to become physical, and I think that’s what you’re saying…because it COULD become physical, it’s better to be “safe than sorry”. Again, I look at this and it is my belief that the “better safe than sorry” approach is incredibly negative. Why is that only applied to opposite-gender relationships? Again, same-gender friendships have the potential to be damaging as well, and yet there is no “danger” in them? To be sure, not everyone is suited to be a close friend, or even have one outside of their spouse. I agree with you that a marriage is a precious thing, and it should be handled with much care and love. But, as I said, finding a connection with someone else besides your spouse shouldn’t be a negative, if the relationship is based on the positives I mentioned above. A close friendship – a real friendship, opposite-gender or not – should be a positive support to the marriage, and I’ll again say that limiting the possibility based on fear (and “better safe than sorry” is fear-based) rather than focusing on communication, respect and love is a mistake too many people make. I think any “rules” would be better if there was discussion about where boundaries would start, and what to look for to determine if another person is “friendship material” and how to cultivate such a relationship positively, and how to keep the communication lines open, and what it really means to be respectful, and what love really can be – and that real love is not the same thing as that word a lot of people throw around without much thought. I think viewing relationships in that light – in the positive rather than the negative – is far more indicative of wisdom than “better safe than sorry”.

I thought this was a very insightful article and I believe it is important to safe guard a relationship. I am currently in a long distance relationship and I struggle with my insecurities surrounding this topic. I know you are referring to boundaries within a marriage, but what about boundaries within a serious relationship? Do you feel it is ok for a bf/gf to text and hang out with the opposite gender? My bf says he has a lot of friends that are girls and I need to get used to it and that he will never cheat on me. But, I find this especially difficult because when I’m at a distance I’m compelled to worry and feel jealous that he gets to spend time and develop a closer relationship to the opposite gender friend. Do the rules still apply? Any advice how to communicate these points without just seeming controlling and not trusting?

Ashley,
I appreciate your article and you sharing. My wife of 15 years had almost guy friends before we married. I thing 8 out of 10 were guys. I am 8 years older so when we met I knew she was living in the college years which I had already far grown out of and I was looking to settle down. So while we date I often wondered how her relationships would change with men. We had many discussions before we did approach marriage and in the end she agreed the friendships with the opposite sex would change. They could no longer be her best friends. In the end and overtime those friendships dwindled and we built new relationships with couples and same sex friends. My wife is still a very sanguine personality… one that attracted me to her in the first place. She doesn’t have all the traits of a sanguine, but definitely the more outgoing person. I am more melancholy, but not completely either. So here comes the issue. The WORKPLACE. We both acknowledge we will be working with opposite sex folks and can be God honoring in our actions. We know we will have business luncheons in the office for training or meetings where they bring in lunch. We know there will be times where the boss takes out the team for lunch which is coed. These are what I consider expected situations, that we still put our full armor on for protecting the marriage. Now in my workplace the above situations happen several times a year. Not often. But I NEVER initiate lunches with opposite sex members or even coed. I just don’t build that sort of relationship with women at work so I have no desire or even thought to consider going out with other women or coed groups. And I would never do it. NOT because I don’t trust myself, not because I have fear… but because there is no gain for me. There is no reason I would. I spend more time with my coworkers than I do my wife so I have no need to make sure I pick more time to be with other women (coed or not). Here is the rub… What I have come to find was my wife doesn’t necessarily have issue with going to lunch with multiple men by herself or coed lunches… or initiating them. I am having difficulty with this. Do I think she would have an affair. I don’t think that, but I am not naive enough to think in the right conditions (us not doing well, another man providing attention) my wife (or even myself) would not falter. We had agreed at marriage that we would have work relationships of the opposite sex at work, but it wasn’t something we would grow into lunch outings or using the coed lunch excuse to have those male relationships. The sad thing is she saw her mentor fall pray to an affair that split a church. Her mentor was almost ALWAYS with this person in public with multiple people around. They were all “good” friends. Her friend in the end had an affair with this person. Her friend is much like my wife. Friends with just about anyone they meet, everyone likes her, and to be honest I don’t think they realize how certain things they do effect the men around them. If anything I would have thought my wife would understand just how easy building relationships with opposite sex in the workplace can grow into something it shouldn’t be when you start having too much time together and start having regular meals together (coed or not). I have been to coed meals and you see people tend to gravitate to those they feel more comfortable with. So if my wife is more comfortable with men… guess where she will gravitate. I have witnessed this so I am not saying it as “what if”. We are going to be going to Christian counseling, but my fear is I will have a counselor that just says let her go out with the men and or coed all she wants… don’t limit it… don’t guard it and just trust. Sorry for being so long… I just had to get some of this out… and if you have any recommendations please share.

Very interesting. My boyfriend and I are in the very middle of a bit of a predicament. For most of our relationship, he has spent alone time with a number of female friends, including ex-girlfriends. I expressed my insecurity about it, but through a lot of discussion, was essentially told that he has a lot of female friends, he intends to maintain those friendships, I need to trust him, and if I had any male friends, he would be totally cool with me spending time with them. Suddenly the tables are flipped, and I have a male friend, and he won’t admit to being unhappy about it, but all signs point to “not happy.”

Tomorrow night I intend to have a sit-down discussion with him about what guidelines we both need to follow in order to maintain our friendships without hurting each other. Although these opposite-gender friendships have now left both of us feeling insecure or threatened at various times, I think now that there’s symmetry in the experience (the similarity between my male-friendship and his female-friendships is uncanny) we’ll both be far better able to understand, empathize, and hopefully come to a good agreement, rather than one person setting the rules.

We aren’t even talking marriage at this point, but assuming our relationship continues, I hope that the equality and empathy in our agreement spawned by equally miserable experiences will be a boon to us in the long-term.

As I contemplate things to discuss tomorrow evening, I am unphased by the concept of changing my current friendship with the male friend. I trust that the important parts, the reasons that we are friends and not lovers, will continue just fine, unhampered by new guidelines about how we contact each other, spend time together, etc. And if male friend can have a stronger relationship with his girlfriend, and I can have a stronger relationship with my boyfriend, our friendship will be that much more safely friend-like (focused on our mutual interests of stupid youtube videos and races) rather than emotionally intimate (how we feel about our relationships with our significant others).

Thanks for this article, Ashley. My husband and I were married over a year and a half ago. One of my best guy friends who lives across the country was a part of our wedding. My husband has never expressed concerns with our friendship as we have been friends since childhood. In fact, my husband wanted him to be a part of our wedding because of how great he has always been to me and my family. Shortly after my wedding, my friend began to act differently toward me, almost distant. Eventually, I said I felt we were drifting apart and he said that he is in a relationship now (with a woman he brought to my wedding), and that it was natural that our friendship has changed. I told him how upsetting it was to hear that; that my husband never questioned our friendship and I didn’t believe anyone (spouse or significant other) should come between a TRUE, lifelong friendship. Nearly one year later, I still feel sad about the state of our friendship. My husband is upset that he supported him to be a part of our wedding to only have him bail on our friendship shortly after. How can someone who was like a brother to me push me away? My husband is my best friend, hands down. But this friend has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. Presently, my father is ill, and I want to tell my friend, but I don’t think he is worthy of knowing about me or my family. I recognize your advice about friendships and relationships, but this person was important to me. Based on your article, the best thing to do is to move on and forget that we had over 20 years of friendship. I can’t seem to do that. The “Around the Corner” poem always seems to play in my head when I think of this point in our friendship or lack thereof.

Thanks, Ashley. I didn’t mean YOU gave the advice to move on. I meant, maybe based on this, I should. Thank you for the prayers. I thoroughly enjoy your posts. Keep up the great work!

Great article Ashley!

Ashley,

I found your article to be interesting. I am in a new relationship and my guy has lots of female friends. Some exes, some not, and some girlfriends of his friends. I am so uncomfortable with this. But I also know I have some trust issues. Regardless, it just doesn’t seem right.

Anyhow, we had called things off. He then said he would compromise and only talk to a few exes that have been friends forever, and also be friends with his friends girlfriends. I still hated it, but agree. He too was uncomfortable and felt that I was only compromising 10%, while he was giving 90%.

Today I noticed that he was getting together with another female based a comment from her on his facebook page. It was his best friends girlfriend, and it was to discuss a side business. When I expressed my discomfort of getting together one on one without including me, he said that it was unfair and that he shouldn’t have to ask permission. He broke up with me. But we continued to discuss it, and decided he would share more and be more empathetic, and I would give him more space.

My father cheated on my mother many times growing up. I know I struggle with my guy because of some past issues. i worry if no man will be able to accept these requests, and also have other important qualities that I seek. I want to grow as an individual and release myself of these insecurities. But on the other hand, I feel that if a man truly cared about me, he would give up friends of the opposite sex. I am 37, and he is 43. We are both marriage minded.

Is this all me? I’m not sure how to proceed. I want to grow, but I also know that I would be much more comfortable with someone with similar values. My guy thinks that it’s not about values, but has everything to do with me being insecure. I hate feeling this way.

Any advice or help would be greatly appreciated.

Great advice Ashley! I believe that these guidelines not only serve well towards married couples but can also do a great deal of good in general ‘exclusive’ relationships ie: any opposite gender relationship where monogamy/loyalty to the other person is of the highest priority. When the word marriage is used repeatedly it implies that these guidelines are only to be followed by married couples, when In fact these guidelines could aid in creating a strong foundation in any relationship and be conducive to getting on the path of marriage.

I love this article it show moral standars and how to protect your self and your relation ship.

It’s not just Marriage, though. It’s any time you’re a couple. It’s not semi-okay to cheat when you’ve been a couple with someone for only 6 weeks, nor is bad-but-not-horrible cheating if you cheat when you’re living together but not engaged yet.

The same goes with crossing any other lines, like having 1-on-1 close friendships with the opposite sex carry on. Friendships brighten and dim, as far as closeness & intimacy is concerned… many times when a single friend starts seriously dating someone it will dim some, when they move in together or they move an hour away it will moreso… or when they get married or especially have kids — a lot. But then rise up here and there over time too.

Point being, I agree — keep opp-sex friendships at an arm-distance. But also when you’re single, too. I mean, do you really want to get close with a 1-on-1 guy-friend who likes you when you don’t like him — but he is a great listener and even yes, doesn’t keep trying to make moves on you? If you are OK with that, to have that close 1-on-1 guy-friend, then you’re a male-attention-seeker — not merely because gal-pals can be too catty/judgmental/etc.

When you’re single, the best way to know if a relationship is platonic is to see if your (fictional) BF/Husband, who is neither hyper or hypo jealous-sensitive compared to the rest of the population, wouldn’t be cool with it. But I’m single! Who cares, right? Well, you should. Having a close, 1-on-1 relationship with a guy you’re not into but he is into you even though he has no crush or anything — should be an issue, even when you’re single.

And the whole “I can’t be friends with girls” — much of that is BS. There are many different types of girls, as there are different types of guys. Much of the time, guys are going to be really cool and ANTI-judgmental toward the female friend when compared to other gals. As one woman said it, “Other girls can see through my BS” — which is why she avoided women altogether. Guys can see through the BS — they just don’t want to call you on it and want to be easier to be around, as having some female friends around is a positive thing when hanging out…

And having group-friends of the opp-sex — nothing wrong with that. That’s pretty much the arm-length-distance by itself. But barring rare circumstances, guys aren’t going to want to turn a group-friend into a close 1-on-1 friend unless he likes you, strongly or not-so-strongly. It’s nature. It’s the human condition.

Keep opp-sex friends as group-friends, for all practical purposes. One should not be naive or lie to oneself that close 1-on-1 friendships has no potential issues for all practical purposes.