By Ashley McIlwain
One of the most debated over and misunderstood concepts in marriage is submission. At the mention of the word, people get up in arms. Everyone seems to have such a strongly formulated view of what submission is and how it plays out in marriage. Yet, there’s a lot of confusion, frustration, and downright chaos that surrounds the topic.
Wives submit to your husbands as to the Lord. –Ephesians 5:22
This verse is where it all started. People read this and run with it. Unfortunately it is often misunderstood and misconstrued, which leads to a problematic situation.
First of all, the verse before Ephesians 5:22 is Ephesians 5:21, which states, “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” This doesn’t negate the next verse about wives submitting, but it gives a little more context. All submission should be occurring out of reverence for Christ, which means it shouldn’t be abused.
The dictionary defines “submit” as: to yield oneself to the power or authority of another. Notice the word yield. When I hear the word yield, I’m reminded of its meaning as related to driving. You cautiously move forward without coming to a complete stop and without interrupting the flow of traffic. So what if submission was about falling in line cautiously but not without reason, rhyme, or any sort of say in the matter.
That’s where the distortion and issues arise with the concept of submission, especially in the context of marriage. We think it means stopping dead in our tracks, laying down all personal preferences, disregarding intelligent thoughts, and becoming a mindless doormat. That’s being subservient not submissive.
Wives are not to be doormats. In fact later in that same Ephesians passage is the verse, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her” (5:25). That certainly doesn’t elicit an image of this meek, helpless wife who merely obeys her master of a husband. In reality, that was exactly what God was trying to undo. The context of this time was that women were often treated as slaves to their master – the husband. God was trying to break out of that mold with the revolutionary concept of husbands loving their wives and treating them as their equal.
From the beginning of time, God designed husbands and wives to be a team (Genesis 2:18). After sin entered the picture though, that perfectly balanced and harmonious relationship between a man and woman got twisted. In Genesis 3:16, God says that result of that sin is a woman’s “desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.” That was never the plan, but that’s now the “natural tendency” we have to fight against.
Throughout God’s Word, it’s clear that He never desired for women to be lifeless sidekicks that just did what they were told. Yet, somehow many of us have come away with this idea that that’s what submission entails. On the contrary, the Bible shows many examples of strong women who stood up for what they believed in and in some cases didn’t always follow their husband’s lead.
One such example is the story of Abigail and her husband Nabal. King David was in the desert and approached Nabal about caring for him and his men by offering them whatever they could, but Nabal insulted them and refused. His wife Abigail found out and knew that her husband’s actions would have devastating effects on all of them, so she immediately went to David with as much as she could gather and apologized for her husband’s actions. David’s response sums up the wisdom in her actions, “Praise be to the Lord, the God of Israel, who has sent you today to meet me. May you be blessed for your good judgment and for keeping me from bloodshed this day” (1 Samuel 25:32-33).
As a result of Abigail’s wisdom and ensuing actions, she saved her household from destruction. And I believe that as wives, we are to help keep our home and family in order. We are ultimately accountable to God, so if there is something that needs to be done or said, we should act accordingly with wisdom and respect.
Submission isn’t about being a doormat without opinions, desires, or a say. In Proverbs 31, Solomon describes a wife of noble character, and there is nothing in that description that signifies weak, insignificant, or subservient. A submissive wife chooses to come alongside of her husband and his God-given leadership in a way that shows respect yet strength. Both spouses are vital to a successful marriage just as two pilots need to work together to steer a plane. We are to keep one another accountable as we seek to fulfill God’s purposes and plans in our lives. It’s a team effort, and husbands and wives are of equal importance.
Just because we have different God-given roles, talents, and strengths as man and woman, that doesn’t mean one rules over the other. Husbands are to love their wives, and wives are to respect their husbands. Together, a couple can work in unison to be the best people and pair possible.
Copyright © 2012, Foundation Restoration. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. No reproduction allowed without written permission from Foundation Restoration and/or the author.
Ashley,
Thank you for this well written article on a sensitive subject. I have experienced trying to explain the submission that should be part of marriage and failed. You explain it beautifully. I love the quote and agree with it “A submissive wife chooses to come along side of her husband and his God given leadership in a way that shows respect, yet strength” I feel that this is a great definition of a submissive wife.
Having been with my husband 21 years, it is not always easy to choose this, however it is something I have done because God gives us the instruction. I have found through experience that no matter how difficult something God instructs us to do may be, the consequences of not following God’s instructions are far worse. I truly believe that I have been blessed with 21 years together and that we could not have made it this long together if it were not for God’s presence and guidance in our relationship.
Thank you for another well written, easy to understand article that pertains to our daily lives.
Vicki, you are so right; it’s not easy to choose to be submissive, but at the same time, it’s also not easy to always butt heads because we’re both trying to grab the steering wheel. God knew what He was doing when He gave us His blueprint for marriages, and I find that when I do the heavy lifting of going against my natural tendency to control everything, our marriage is blessed. It’s so nice to hear that you’ve experienced in your marriage as well in the past 21 years of marriage. Thanks for taking the time to share and for your kind and encouraging words!
Ashley this subject is deeply rooted and has brought much pain in many families! Thanks for caring and sharing, you make it easy to broach these subjects when you write your articles and our spouses read your article!.
Linda, I agree! I’ve seen so many issues that have arisen from misunderstanding submission and what it really means and looks like. Thanks for the kind words of encouragement; I appreciate it!
This topic is very misunderstood and often taken out of context. Thanks for shedding light on a very tricky topic.
Anonymous, absolutely! That’s why I thought it was such an important topic to cover. Thanks for taking time to offer your feedback and encouragement!
[…] submit to one another out of reverence to the Lord. I talk about this more in depth in my article Submission Gone Wrong, but the bottom line is that submission is a posture of trust. We submit to the Lord because we […]
I love this topic, even as controversial as it is. It takes great strength and courage for a woman to submit to her husband. We have to have complete trust in him. But as long as you are being led by God, there is nothing to fear. I like what you said about both grabbing the steering wheel! My husband says something similar. You can’t have 2 bosses. He knows he’s the boss in our house! But that doesn’t mean that I just blindly follow. We are slowly navigating this together, as we’ve only been together for 3 years. But I am hoping that this will lead to many, many happy (but bumpy) years together. Thank you for explaining this so well! God Bless.
Linda, thank you so much for taking the time to share! I enjoyed hearing your thoughts and experience with this topic. One thing I have found is that when I mention the word “submission” or even “head of the home,” people get up in arms. That tells me how misunderstood this concept has been. There are a lot of moving pieces to this puzzle, and it can certainly be difficult to navigate how those roles play out in the day to day. When we are both submitted to and seeking the Lord though, He will guide and help us. The bottom line to know is that the term submission isn’t equated to doormat, useless, unequal, or voiceless. It’s a strong and necessary position wives take that is both equal and powerful. I’m thrilled to hear that you and your husband are working hard at this 🙂 Keep it up!