By Ashley McIlwain

Recently I shared a list of things I wish men knew, but now it’s time for some candid girl talk. Ladies, we have some things we need to discuss. When I look around, I see a lot of women pointing the finger at men as the source of all discontentment and issues. We blame men for our own misery, mistakes, and insecurities. We treat them as second rate human beings who are inferior to us and not worthy of our respect. And we wonder why they aren’t gushing over us? Hmm …

Many women say, “Well, if guys are allowed to get away with bad behavior, then why should I be above reprieve?” If you can’t beat them, join them, right? So instead of holding ourselves to a higher standard, instead of being the women God’s called us to be, instead of holding the line, we give in. We act recklessly and justify our actions with tit for tat theology.

That’s not the answer to our guy problems ladies.

Trying to whip guys into shape by giving them a dose of their own medicine is not the way to enlightenment. Planning Magic Mike nights and indulging in 50 Shades of Grey fantasy worlds isn’t excused, and it’s certainly not going to make you more attractive or desirable. It’s not going to make you feel better about what men are doing either.

Women, God gives us a clear blueprint and description of the kind of woman we should aspire to be, and careless is not part of His standard. Proverbs 31 describes a woman that evokes confidence, works hard, is talented, cares for her family, helps the needy, is strong, laughs, is wise, fears the Lord, and is noble. She is said to be worth more than rubies. This is the kind of woman, wife, and mother God wants us to be like.

Here is a list of some things that I wish women knew …

  1. Submission is Oppression – One of the biggest deceptions of our time fueled by the feminist movement is that caring for our family and “submitting” to our husband is a life of oppression. Poor little housewife (even if she works outside of the home) is stuck at home under the iron fist of her husband. Submission is one of the most misunderstood and misconstrued concepts in the Bible. Yes, Ephesians 5:22 calls wives to submit to their husbands, but Ephesians 5:21 says that we are ALL to submit to one another out of reverence to the Lord. I talk about this more in depth in my article Submission Gone Wrong, but the bottom line is that submission is a posture of trust. We submit to the Lord because we trust Him and His good plans for us (Jeremiah 29:11). The same is true in marriage, we submit to our husband as a posture of trust in his leadership and love. This doesn’t mean we have no voice or that we are a doormat. It means we confidently empower our husband to lead through our trust in his judgment and character as a supportive and loving wife. Women
  2. Less is More – The things women are clothing themselves in today is appalling. Ladies, what are we thinking? Seriously? The approach of less is more when it comes to clothing is the wrong one! Sure, we may get checked out and that makes us feel good temporarily, but it’s a cheap and false sense of security. You are more than your private parts, and your beauty is more than skin deep. Confidence and security must come from your identity in Christ, not in how many people check you out like a piece of meat. If we want men to stop treating women like objects, if we want them to remain pure and faithful to us, if we want them to avoid pornography, it starts with us cleaning up our closets. Put on some fashionable yet modest clothing and let your inner beauty be the star of the show.
  3. Manipulation is How You Get What You Want – From the beginning of time, women have tried to manipulate men into doing what they want. They coerce, plot, and scheme selfishly using whatever means necessary. Look at Delilah and Samson (Judges 16) or Jezebel (1 Kings 19). They manipulated and ultimately destroyed. Women, manipulation may be effective but it’s destructive and ultimately counterproductive. Stop scheming and start effectively communicating with your husband.
  4. Nagging is Necessary – One of the biggest complaints by husbands is that their wives nag. Day and night they just constantly chirp in their ear about what they should be doing, what they aren’t doing, and everything in between. You might be saying, “Well, if he would just do what I ask, I wouldn’t have to nag.” Here’s the thing: men aren’t women! They don’t think like us, they don’t plan like us, and they don’t operate like us. They need reminders. Nagging is ineffective, annoying, and makes your husband less likely to actually do what you want him to, certainly it will not be done with love by him. What’s the alternative? Requests. “Honey, I know I already asked you, but I wanted to remind you to please take the trash out. It would mean a lot to me.” That is a request that motivates rather than, “I’ve asked you a thousand times to take out the darn trash. Can you man up and do something I ask for a change?!” Requests engage; nagging isolates and frustrates.
  5. Respect is Optional – Ephesians 5:33 tells wives they must respect their husbands. Doesn’t sound optional to me at all. The way so many wives speak to and treat their husbands is incredibly disrespectful and hurtful. Women, you want to know the “secret” to cultivating love, greatness, and growth in your husband? Respect him!
  6. Sex is a Bargaining Chip – Too many women manipulate by creating a reward and punishment system via sex. “If you do what I want, I will have sex with you. If you don’t do what I want, then I will withhold sex from you.” Sex is a spiritual union that is meant to create intimacy on a whole new level between a husband and wife. When we treat it like a reward for a dog who does tricks for us, we destroy one of God’s greatest gifts to marriages. Sex is not a bargaining chip; it’s a vital, special, and significant part of a marriage that should be treated with honor and respect.

Proverbs 31:10-11 says, “A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value.” I don’t know about you, but I want this to be how I am described. I want my husband to feel like he has found a true gem who pushes him to greatness, inspires, and supports him.

Women, we are uniquely gifted and specially crafted by God to be exactly what men need. We are called to be supportive, respectful, nurturing, and loving. Women who encourage their husbands and enable their success. Women who care for their homes and are multi-talented. Women who possess an inner beauty that radiates and evokes confidence. When we embrace the noble character that God calls us to with our unique and important skillset, we establish homes that produce husbands of greatness and children of strength.

Ladies, let’s put away childish, manipulative, and superficial antics. We have been blessed with our femininity so let’s embrace it. Let’s be strong, supportive, and successful. Let’s relentlessly pursue our purpose with passion while cultivating the same in our husband, children, and those around us. Let’s be full of laughter, dignity, and wisdom that our children arise and call us blessed and our husband praise us (Proverbs 30:28).

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