By Ashley McIlwain
Marriage means game over. Or at least that’s what people seem to think and say. T-shirts are made with that message on it. “Everything changes, man, once you get married.” “You sure you want to get married? Your life will be over!” Ever heard any of these things about marriage? I know I have … all too often.
Typically I get angered by these statements because it reflects the mishandling, misconception, and negative attitude people have toward marriage these days. They couldn’t be farther from the truth, or could they?
There just might be some truth to these statements …
The truth is, your life as your know it does end when you get married! Everything does change! Marriage is a sort of pivot point in life where, in many ways, you are forced to do a 180. The difference between what I’m saying though and what those nay-sayers are spouting off is night and day.
I remember before I got married I had the freedom to be selfish and self-centered. I went where I wanted when I wanted. I bought what I wanted since I was paying for it. My calendar and schedule were my own, and I was free to plan out whatever I so desired. My future was between me and God. Most of my decisions affected me and only me, which was appropriate for that season of my life, but then I got married.
Marriage puts an end to that selfish, one way street, it’s all about me lifestyle and outlook on life. Or at least it should. Yes, that single life mentality and mode of operation does end. Your planning, attitude, perspective, schedule, financial decisions and future all change. Everything does change with marriage, but that’s a good thing, not the bad thing everyone makes it out to be.
Getting married melds two lives together in a way that makes everything better, stronger, and more three dimensional. It’s like reinforced steel. You have the benefit of two perspectives and a built in support system. Instead of being a lone ranger, you have a co-pilot and reinforcement. Yes, that can cause challenges, frustrations, and discomfort at times, but it’s a good struggle that produces two better people and one exceptional marriage.
Proverbs 27:17 says, “As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.” When iron grinds against another piece of iron, it’s an intense, uncomfortable process that creates friction. Fragments fall as the two pieces scrape against one another. Though there is some pain and even loss, what remains is a sharper, better instrument that can be more readily used. So it is with marriage.
When we join our spouse in marriage, there are times our lives scrape against one another, and there is a sense of loss at times. It can be painful and rough, but after those encounters, we are left with a better, more refined and useful us. We want those rough spots to be ground off to reveal the best version of ourselves as possible. It’s a sort of perfecting process.
We can’t head into marriage thinking it’s all about “me.” Your life really is no longer your own. There is accountability, sacrifice, and responsibility. We have to put away our selfish and self-centered mindset and begin to morph into a selfless being that considers our spouse’s feelings, best interest, and needs before our own. It’s not about my happiness anymore; it’s about my spouse’s well-being and what’s best for our marriage.
If you really think about your vows, you pledged willingly and knowingly to this. Vows, when you carefully examine them, are all about the marriage and what you will do for your spouse (not the other way around!) …
“I, Ashley, take you Steve, to be my lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part.”
Not one phrase in those vows is about me; it’s all about my husband and what I vowed to do and be for him. That’s what marriage is: the end of selfish and the beginning of selfless. It’s an all-out pledge to be the best wife or husband possible for our spouse and to saturate them with love. Sometimes that’s easier said than done, but that’s why we need God. In Psalm 50:15 we’re told to “call upon Me in the day of trouble; I will deliver you, and you will honor Me.” Many times we will need the Holy Spirit’s help to love and cherish our spouse the way we’ve vowed too, but all we have to do is ask for His help.
Everything around us tells us that it’s all about “me.” My happiness. My future. My wants. My feelings. I deserve this. Me. Me. Me. A successful marriage has to be countercultural. The only way it will work is if both people stop expecting, stop putting their hand out saying, “Gimme, gimme,” and start reaching their hand out saying, “What can I do for you? How can I serve you? How can I love you better?”
It seems backwards and even counterintuitive, right? God’s Word is full of these “upside down kingdom” examples though. It is more blessed to give than to receive (Acts 20:35). The last will be first, and the first will be last (Matthew 20:16). Whoever wants to be great must be a servant (Matthew 20:26-28). God clearly instructs us that our lives should be led in humility and service to others, and when we do, we see why.
Personally, I see that in following Jesus’ lead (as best I can with the help of the Holy Spirit), it cultivates true joy, contentment, and appreciation for God’s grace in my life, the blessings He’s given me, and His creation. When I lose sight of that and begin to live selfishly, I realize how empty that life is and futile those pursuits are.
Marriage is the best place to practice this “backwards” living. From my experience, I can tell you that when I pour out love on my husband, I feel such joy from that. When I respect him the way I know God wants me to, I reap those rewards from seeing how it breathes life into my husband and encourages him to love me more in the process. When I choose to say no to “me” and yes to us, I marvel at the blessing it is to my marriage. I have discovered that I want my life to be over because our life is way better!
So, is your life over when you get married? Yes. Is it game over once you say, “I do?” Yes. Does everything change once you say those vows to your spouse? Yes. But it’s a necessary, good, and beautiful transformation into a fulfilling and special unity with the love of your life. Like a caterpillar to a butterfly, you both take flight as you allow yourselves to transform into loving, caring, respectful, and selfless spouses and people.
Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. –Romans 12:9-10
Copyright © 2013, Foundation Restoration. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. No reproduction allowed without written permission from Foundation Restoration and/or the author.
This was such a good read. I heard that comment so many times when we were engaged and even after we got married. There was always a negative spin on the comments I’d receive from people. It was almost like the idea of having a partner in life and providing for one another–was sickening. I agree–life does change! Things are different. But they are so much sweeter! I still get giddy when I meet someone new and Scott says ‘this is my wife Meredith’–it will never get old. Certainly there are days/times that are rough, but in those moments I truly feel that we become closer and I am so grateful to have vowed my life, love and heart to this man. It fulfills me by fulfilling my vows to him.
Meredith, thanks for your kind words and for sharing your thoughts! You’re so right that those tough times are what strengthen our marriage; they bring us closer together as we work through them.
Well said, Ashley! The old life ends and new one begins!
Thanks so much Delta! That’s a great, succinct way to say it!
I love this!! I love life much more having my “partner in crime” with me! It was boring trying to always figure stuff out on my own 🙂
Thanks Kristen! I agree; life with my husband is so much better! What a blessing marriage is!