By Dr. Jeff Klick

When I served as an associate pastor for a large church, one perk received was the privilege of hosting many of the biggest names in Christianity. From picking them up at the airport, to taking them to dinner, it was enjoyable to see the celebrities in their own skin, and not just the persona behind the pulpit.

Many lessons were learned by a young associate pastor named Jeff. I played racquetball with a national leader known for prayer; he had a major temper issue. So did a professional counselor. One man, known for helping churches settle their petty arguments, got tipsy over multiple glasses of wine. Another was running late due to airport flights and was so angry when I picked him up, he was fuming. It was interesting to see the grace of God descend upon him when he did speak later on that night.

My point is not to attack or belittle these folks, but to let you know a secret. We are all human. No matter whom we are, how big our fame is, we have a daily battle with the flesh. We all have to learn how to work out, and walk out the life of holiness with our Lord.

On another occasion, one man was particularly chatty on the way to the hotel. His off the cuff statement is still ringing in my ears – “If two or three of you can agree on anything, I myself will show up to see if it is true, sayeth Jesus.”  He was of course paraphrasing Matthew 18:20. He stated this in the context of our discussing why it is so hard for Christians to get along with each other.

In marriage, getting along with each other is sometimes tough. Real tough. My bride and I have been learning how to work out our relationship for more than thirty-eight years now. Many years ago I coined or stole a phrase, can’t really remember anymore – “Intense Fellowship.” This phrase seems appropriate to me for the sometimes messy relationship issues that occur in marriage.

Fellowship, one dictionary defines as: “mutual trust and charitableness between Christians.”  That sort of sounds like marriage to me. We must walk in mutual trust, and if charitableness (think agape love) is not necessary in marriage, I don’t know what is.

As young couples sit in my pastor’s study and tell me they are in love and want to marry their beloved, I usually end up discussing this topic sooner than later. Why is it that a couple, so madly in love one day is in divorce court the next? How can you go from boldly declaring your unending love, with vows, before God and everybody, and then end up hating this person usually within months? Why will you be any different than they?

Enter intense fellowship. If it were easy for everyone to get along, we would do so. We don’t. Most couples seem to have an illusion that life will be one, long, unending courtship or honeymoon. It is not. Pressures enter. So do children, job losses, in-laws, and personality quirks. Many guys after they conquer their quest are tempted to lose their chivalry. Many perky, playful, always looking nice girls become moody, sullen and seem not to care how they look any longer.

The illusion bubble bursts. The perfect couple realizes that there are warts, faults, and irritations. A word spoken harsher than it should be is uttered. A cold look. A forgotten important date. Laundry left on the floor, dishes not put away or washed, insensitivity, aloofness, even playfulness, all can trigger intense fellowship.

Another quote I borrowed or created is, “In order to be disillusioned, one first has to have an illusion.”  Two people sharing the same living space will sooner than later lead to intense fellowship. How we walk through it will determine if the relationship will survive, thrive or die.

While it is inevitable that conflict will arise in marriage, destruction is not. We have a choice. We can control our tongues, our flesh and our feelings. I am not saying that we won’t be tempted, but we do not have to give in to it. Jesus was tempted and He did not give in. He understands, and He makes a way of escape for us when we are tempted (1 Corinthians 10:13).

Self control is a fruit of the Spirit. Controlling our thoughts, words, and attitudes is possible. We expect it from children; why can’t adults do so? If we really want to change, we can. If we want to grow, we can. If we want to be different, we can. God is not limited, and neither is His grace, which He promises to lavish upon us, if we will but ask.

Consider these passages in light of intense fellowship:

  • Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant (better, more important) than yourselves. Philippians 2:3 (ESV)
  • Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Ephesians 4:2 (NIV)
  • Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Philippians 2:4 (ESV)

There are of course many more verses I could list, but these three would radically change most of our lives if we actually attempted to implement them in our homes. Do you really believe that Jeff? Sure I do! “Do nothing,” “Be completely,” and “Look out for others,” are hard, yet life transforming commands. It is hard to argue, act selfishly, rude, temperamental, pouty, harsh, etc. when attempting to walk out these three verses with our spouse.

Do I, or will I count my spouse as more important than myself? Will I be completely humble, gentle, and bear with my spouse in love? Will I look out for my spouse’s interests? If I do, my marriage will change. Our periods of intense fellowship will lesson. We will not only survive but thrive in our life together.

Is this possible to do? Of course it is with the grace of God and His infilling presence by the Holy Spirit. The real issue is will we allow Him to work in us?

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