By Steve McIlwain

Hubs here.

I recently started a new job.  It’s been fun getting to know my new co-workers and begin forging new relationships.  That means work projects, lunches, doing things outside of work, and just general chic-chat.  Typically we’ll discuss our upcoming weekend plans and a recent series of responses caught my attention.  My in-laws were coming into town for the weekend, and upon hearing that my weekend would be spent with them, here are the responses I received:

  • “Yikes, sounds like a long weekend for you.”
  • “Bummer.”
  • “That should be interesting.”

My co-workers don’t know a single thing about my in-laws.  I hadn’t said anything (good or bad) about the upcoming weekend except that my in-laws were coming.  But the theme was crystal clear: time with the in-laws is no fun.  In actuality, I really enjoy my in-laws.  They are a unique blend of loving, caring, generous, entertaining, funny, and adventurous.  It hasn’t all been smooth sailing, but they are wonderful people that raised an amazing woman that I love.  So with that in mind, here’s a couple ways that we have navigated the sometimes treacherous waters of in-laws:

Spouse First

Your relationship with your spouse comes first, period.  It can be difficult, especially early on in marriage, to ensure that your loyalty lies with your spouse first and the rest of your family second.  This does not mean that you have to treat your family like garbage.  However, it does mean that your first priority should be with your spouse.  Even in the midst of heated discussions defending your family’s actions, your spouse must have a deep understanding that your first loyalty is within your marriage.

Create boundaries

Boundaries are imperative to ensure a successful, healthy relationship with in-laws.  These safeguards establish rules of the road and develop common ground.  Each relationship dynamic is unique so it’s hard to dispel a one size fits all method.  However, regardless of where you set boundaries, you definitely need them.  Make sure you discuss in-law boundaries with your spouse and both work to  maintain them.  Sometimes a few simple boundaries mean the difference between a great relationship and a brutal one.

See the good

Believe it or not, your spouse’s relatives do possess at least a few good qualities.  I mean, c’mon, they did create your spouse.  It’s all too easy (and dangerous) to head down a slippery slope of focusing on all the negative traits of your in-laws.  And if you’re focused on their negative traits, you’ll find them … lots of them.  That’s a treacherous place because negativity breeds negativity.  Before long you may become convinced that their sole purpose in life is to make you miserable.  It’s not.

Be flexible

Just like it’s important in your marriage, flexibility is essential in your viewpoint of your in-laws.  Each family creates their own unique imprint of what it means to be a family.  Backgrounds, personalities, and experiences all shape a given family unit, and no two are exactly the same.  The way you and your family handle things isn’t the only way to do it.  Try to maintain an open mind and be flexible when approaching the way your in-laws tackle challenges.  There are many paths to a given outcome, and each has its own distinct set of positives and negatives.  And who knows, you could even (gasp) learn something from them.

Give and receive open feedback.

Sometimes we underestimate the value of simple communication.  Creating an open dialogue generates a space where you can honestly give and receive feedback.  It’s an ebb and flow that allows you to voice your opinion and collectively shape the relationship in a way that’s best for everyone.  Maybe you’re afraid of hurting someone’s feelings.  Maybe you hate conflict.  Maybe you think you’ll make them mad.  But a lot of times you’re doing them a favor by voicing your point of view and allowing a relatively minor course correction to remain just that, minor.  If you let little nuances build without release, they can grow into monsters.

Loving your in-laws is loving your spouse.

One of the best things about me choosing to love Ashley’s family is that she loves it.  Her family is an extension of her.  They have an extremely strong bond and memories dating back to the very first moments of Ashley’s life.  By engaging them, talking with them, having fun with them, discussing issues with them, and seeking their point of view, I am able to become an integral part of those relationships as well.  It creates a sense of happiness and joy for Ashley that few things can compare with.  Loving Ashley’s family is indeed loving Ashley.  I encourage you to do the same.

So there are just a few ways we’ve found some success in fostering relationships with our in-laws.  Each situation presents its own set of challenges, but hopefully some of those tips can lead to a breakthrough in a historically rocky situation for you.  It’s not always an easy relationship to manage, but it’s well worth the effort and perseverance to build.  And as for me, hopefully the next time I tell my co-workers that my in-laws are coming for the weekend they’ll say, “Awesome … sounds like you’ll be having a fun weekend” (no sarcasm detected).