When It Isn’t Easy

By Ashley McIlwain

I had gone to the post office and was met by a line of people out the door. My shoulders sank at the reality that I couldn’t just come back and was sure to be waiting for quite a while in this long line. Sure enough, over 20 minutes later, I finally found myself at the counter. As I explained what I needed, the lady told me she couldn’t help me and that I needed to wait in yet another line to be helped. So, as I waited yet again to get assistance, I felt my frustration mounting. Stepping up to speak to the new clerk, I was met with some major attitude as the lady kept cutting me off and treating me as though I was a complete idiot. My blood was starting to boil, and I knew I had a decision to make.

To blow up and give this lady a piece of my mind, or to choose grace and patience when everything in me wanted to go with the first option. After taking a few deep, long breaths, I ultimately went with the latter, going against every instinct in me in that moment.

So, as I continued to meet an unpleasant attitude from the lady paid to help me, I smiled and graciously continued on explaining my question and situation until she was finally able to convey the necessary information. At the conclusion of our encounter, I looked her in the eyes and thanked her for helping me out and expressed my appreciation.

I was surprised at how good it felt to have not lost my patience and cool with this lady. In fact, I felt so relieved and grateful. It reminded me of just how important it is to remember that we are responsible for our actions, words, and choices no matter what the other person’s are. Inexcusable behavior by one person is not a warrant for our own inexcusable behavior. We are responsible for our actions regardless of any precipitating factors.

That’s a tough one though, isn’t it?

It reminded me of marriage. Don’t we often justify our own misbehaviors and missteps with those of our spouse? We point the finger and say, “Well, he started it!” or “She was the one who …” Like children on the playground, we pass the blame like a hot potato. Somehow we give ourselves an out for doing the very thing we deem reprehensible by our spouse.

I have come to discover two truths about such situations. First: there is nothing special or honorable about loving someone only when they are lovable. Second: love is truly evident in times where it is least deserved. Understanding those two truths can revolutionize a marriage.

Luke 6:32-36 reiterates this point:

If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even ‘sinners’ love those who love them. And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even ‘sinners’ do that. And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even ‘sinners’ lend to ‘sinners,’ expecting to be repaid in full. But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, because He is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.

If this is the call for us with our enemies, then how much more gracious and patient should we be to our spouse? We often treat our spouse with less grace, patience, love, and kindness than with some of our worst enemies. Why is that? Why do we get caught up in the blame game when, in the end, it doesn’t matter how or who started it but rather how you handled it?

It’s easy to justify our poor, immature, unloving, and inappropriate behavior, but no matter how good our argument, it’s still inexcusable, and we’re still accountable. Children use those, “but he/she started it” antics. I think it’s time we all grow up and start taking some responsibility!

Your spouse is precious and worthy of your love even when they are completely undeserving. That is what makes love love … giving it away, choosing it even when its recipient is undeserving. There’s nothing exceptional about loving people when they deserve it. What sets love apart is loving people when they don’t deserve it.

And isn’t that what we want? To be loved even when we’re undeserving of it? I don’t know about you, but if my husband only loved me or stuck around when I deserved it, I would be in a mess of trouble. I need his undeserved grace and love. That’s what marriage is about. That’s the heartbeat of marital love. That’s what sets it apart and makes it so precious, treasured, and special. It’s constant, consistent, and available even when we are not.

When times get tough, and you are looking at your spouse thinking they are the enemy, remember that that is the time where love blossoms. That choice to set aside justice, retribution, or defensiveness for the greater good is honorable and powerful. When it isn’t easy to love, that’s your moment to shine!

What amazes me is how that “love when it isn’t easy” concept diffuses, heals, and mends otherwise destructive situations. Proverbs 15:1 tells us, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” It isn’t easy, and it’s a constant journey of self-control, but choosing to love in even the most volatile of situations brings peace and healing.

The next time your spouse gets your blood boiling, take a deep breath. Remind yourself that these tough moments are your greatest opportunity to demonstrate true love. True love isn’t easy, and that is what makes it so extraordinary!

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