The Inner Circle

By Ashley McIlwain

Something that frequently comes up in correspondences from people relate back to their inner circle. Your inner circle is that group of people that you most frequently surround yourself with, seek counsel from, confide in, and that influences you most significantly. We all have an inner circle whether it’s two people or twelve.

Inner circles are important to have. They are our support group. They are the people that we rejoice in sharing our good news with as well as the first we reach out to when we’re in need of a crying shoulder. That support system can make or break the highs and lows of life, which is why they are so important and influential.

That’s also why it’s so imperative that we choose our inner circle wisely.

It’s easy to think that those we allow closest to us don’t really influence or impact us. Especially when we are getting closer and closer to “negative influences,” meaning friends who are on a destructive or damaging path, we can be tempted to think that we are strong enough to pull them up out of that lifestyle, but the reality is that it’s much easier to pull someone down.

This doesn’t mean I am saying to avoid anyone struggling or hurting, but what I am saying is that it’s important to use discretion and discernment to wisely select those we allow closest to our lives. We need that inner circle to be composed of people that are interested in dual accountability and responsibility. The goal is to help one another be better people.

When we surround ourselves with people content to act recklessly, we endanger ourselves. There are those who aren’t interested in behaving, improving, growing, and being responsible adults, spouses, and parents. Those people are dangerous and can drag you down with them into their self-destructive patterns.

As a kid my mom used to emphasize the importance of choosing friends wisely. One time she had me stand on a chair with my sister standing beside the chair with us holding hands. She had me try to pull my sister up on the chair while my sister tried to pull me off the chair. We switched and did the same thing again. In both cases, it was impossible to pull the other one up onto the chair. Every time, the one standing on the chair was pulled down. She proceeded to tell us that it is always easier for someone to pull us down than for us to lift them up in friendships, so choose wisely in who we allow to “pull” at us.

This may seem a bit extreme and even pessimistic, but it rings true. Again, this is not to say you avoid helping or influencing others. Nor am I saying to live an insulated life of avoiding anyone and everyone who is different, struggling, or even irresponsible. What I am saying is, when it comes to those that you are allowing on your inner circle to influence, advise, and support you, you want them to be people who are lifting you up, not pulling you down. People who are encouraging and strengthening you while also keeping you accountable to your faith, obligations, and responsibilities like your marriage, purpose, and family.

Proverbs 13:20 says, “Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm.” 1 Corinthians 15:33 says, “Do not be deceived: ‘Bad company ruins good morals.’” One of the biggest reasons for cautiously choosing those you allow to continually speak into your life is that it can make or break your life. When someone lives recklessly and you are along for the ride, you’re opening yourself up to the ensuing wreck and collateral damage of their actions.

This is what so many people contact me about. They are witnessing a spouse, child, friend, or loved one who has allowed their inner circle to become polluted with people that are steering them down a path of irresponsible, careless, and damaging behaviors. Their marriage falls apart, they walk away from their family, and/or they are flirting with dangerous lifestyle choices. They neglect their responsibilities, and commitments for a selfish, self-absorbed pursuit of “happiness.”

It’s a lie, and their loved ones can only try to reason with them. Sadly it seems futile as the person turns their back on those who truly love them for those who claim to. Unfortunately, in many of these situations, it takes that person hitting rock bottom to discover just how far off course they ventured. What seemed thrilling and full of promise quickly became full speed ahead into a brick wall, and the crash devastates everyone involved.

While this may sound extreme, this is one of the most common things I encounter in my correspondences with people. They reach out to me with a desperate plea for someone they love who has abandoned their life for a smoke screen sold to them by the wrong friends they allowed into their inner circle. It breaks my heart to see families, marriages, and children devastated by these poor decisions.

Here are some questions to ask yourself about the people in your inner circle:

• Do they encourage me?
• Do they speak kindly and highly of my spouse and/or kids?
• Do they encourage my marriage?
• Do they push me toward my marriage and/or family or push me away from them?
• Do they keep me accountable to my commitments and responsibilities (i.e., my spouse, kids, job, etc.)?
• Does my spouse/kids/family ever warn me about them and their influence?
• When I am around them, do I feel unhappy or discontent with my life?
• Do they push me to do things that go against my belief system?
• Are people telling me that I’ve changed (for the worse) since I’ve started hanging out with them?
• Are they helping me accomplish my goals, dreams, and passions?

Wisdom and discretion are needed when electing that core group of people we let into our lives. They are the ones that can slowly lead us astray or hold our selfishness at bay. They can make or break your marriage, family, and life. Use caution and care in selecting those who will guide, direct, and advise you.

Copyright © 2013, Foundation Restoration.  ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. No reproduction allowed without written permission from Foundation Restoration and/or the author.