By Dr. Jeff Klick

The Bible is the only book I know that says about itself:

Hebrews 4:12 – For the Word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart.

Contained within the pages of the Scriptures, are living words. Words that can change our lives and our marriages. Consider these verses for just a moment through the lens of our marriages.

Proverbs 10:19 – When words are many, transgression is not lacking, but whoever restrains his lips is prudent.

Proverbs 12:18 – There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.

Proverbs 14:1 – The wisest of women builds her house, but folly with her own hands tears it down.

Proverbs 16:24 – Gracious words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the body.

Proverbs 18:21 – Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruit

Proverbs 25:11 – A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in a setting of silver.

In the world of preachers, a sermon on our tongues and wisely chosen words are always a sure way to bring conviction and fill the altar with repenting sinners. Who among us does not struggle with what we say? Some struggle with rash words and others tend to be more gracious, but almost everyone sins with their words. If you do not believe me, just ask James:

James 3:7-9 – For every kind of beast and bird, of reptile and sea creature, can be tamed and has been tamed by mankind, but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse people who are made in the likeness of God.

What affect do our words have in our marriages? Life or death? Gracious or harsh? Choice or nasty tasting? Are we building up our spouse or ripping them to shreds with our words? Are we enjoying the fruit of our words? Excellent questions to consider.

If our marriage is not what we wished for, not what we expected, or not what we hoped for, perhaps a good place to start is listening. What would we find, better stated, hear, if someone followed us around for a week and recorded everything we said to our spouse? I have observed that many times we will say something to our spouse that we would never say to someone else. A tone is used, volume is increased, harshness is added that we would not use with most people. Why do we do that?

Some might say, “I have no control; they make me so mad.” Really? Ever have the phone ring during one of those times and answer it? Do we change, or do we continue with the same tone with whoever is on the phone? Or, if someone offered you one million dollars to stop your anger right now, would you? Could you? What if Jesus appeared physically, right in the middle of the dispute, would we change how we speak? I wonder.

Another option to get a glimpse into how we really speak is to listen to our children. What do we hear coming out of our children’s mouth when they are playing with their toys? Most children will play mommy and daddy with dolls or stuffed animals. It might be instructive to listen to how the little mommies and daddies talk to one another. Remember where the children heard that from in the first place. Ouch.

It is interesting to me that the very one we love so much is often the recipient of the worst of our verbal behavior. Why do we drop our guard instead of raising it even higher? Why do we care more about what a relative stranger thinks of us than our life partner by covenant? Why would be embarrassed if someone walked into the middle of an argument with our spouse, but we are not embarrassed by how we are speaking while in it? I wonder.

I am sure there are multiple reasons why we treat our spouses differently than others. Perhaps we are more comfortable, and therefore, drop the social restraints required with others. Maybe we know that our spouse has to stay with us and will not reject us so we can just be our self with them. (Of course, that thought raises some issues about pretense, but we will have to address that issue some other time.) Maybe we just do not realize how harmful our words really are, or can be.

If we are not content or happy with the condition of our marriage, then I would suggest trying to change how we speak about and to our spouse. If life and death are really in our words, if we can build up or tear down, if our words can be like a sword thrust or bring healing, if our tongue really is a beast to tame, then we need to evaluate what we are saying and why.

Perhaps it would be wise to go on a word fast and abstain from speaking. Maybe it would be good to only speak positive words for a day and see what happens. Make a choice to spend an entire day in avoiding saying anything harsh, negative, or critical regarding your spouse. How about not saying anything if it does not build up our spouse? I wonder what would happen. I have a suspicion that the atmosphere would change some in our homes, and we may just like it so much we suspend the trial period and make it a way of life. What could it hurt to try?

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