By Ashley McIlwain
Being married has taught me so much about … everything. One thing I’ve learned is that I have a lot of growing to do, but I long for that growth because I want to be the best version of myself possible. That’s what God calls me to, and that’s what my husband deserves – the relentless pursuit of being the best that I can be.
The verse that comes to mind is Proverbs 27:17, “As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.” What is so beautiful to me about that scripture is the pain and beauty that is described all in one sentence. When I think of iron grating against iron, I can imagine the grinding, pressure, and refinement that goes along with it. It’s this somewhat agonizing process that produces something beautiful. Whereas this object was once dull and useless it becomes functional and purposeful through distress.
Marriage has a tendency to refine us in a similar way. When two individuals come together, we bump heads. We fight and struggle along the way. We “grind” against one another in a frustrating and sometimes painful way. The result, though, is that we sharpen one another. Our rough spots are buffed out, and we are better for it.
I love that. I love the thought that, through pain, beauty is developed. We often run from adversity or struggles when in fact we should embrace them. In overcoming them, we grow and develop into stronger and more mature people. So, when you’re facing challenging times in your marriage, don’t get discouraged. As you work your way through them, you will find that you are sharpened, strengthened, and reinforced.
Learning is a lifelong process, and marriage is one of the greatest teachers. Through my own marital journey, I truly have discovered so many truths and lessons that are invaluable, so I thought I would share some of the big ones with you.
God – Marriage has taught me about God’s love for me. When I look at Steve, I know that God must love me so much to have given me such an incredible partner to go through life with. Steve is just what I need in every way, and I feel so blessed to journey through life with him by my side. Daily, through the gift of Steve and our marriage, I get to see glimpses of just how personal and intimate God is and how truly His plans are for us to prosper (Jeremiah 29:11).
On top of that, when Steve loves me despite my moments of being unlovable, my flaws, and my failures, I see God’s love through him. He is my earthly example of my Heavenly Father’s love. It’s powerful and incredible to experience that. While I am overwhelmed by those moments, I know they pale in comparison to the unfathomable love of God.
I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. –Ephesians 3:17-19
Love – Most of our lives we are fed this idea that love is easy. That it entails skipping through flowery fields feeling as though we’re on Cloud 9. We’re told that love is about feelings of euphoria. While love can certainly contain those elements, that’s not what love is.
Love is a commitment. It’s a vow that can’t be broken or forgotten. It’s a lot of daily decisions and choices to be selfless, wise, careful, forgiving, gracious, intentional, and present. It requires a servant’s heart and a strong will to fight for your spouse and your marriage. It’s incredible, fulfilling, and at times, very challenging. It’s real, authentic, and worth every ounce of effort. Love isn’t some fantasy that we just “fall” into. It’s a choice and a lifestyle that is relentless and unwavering through all of life’s challenges and circumstances.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. –1 Corinthians 13:4-8
Life – Life is about more than me. I am human and have a tendency to be pretty self-absorbed. And most likely many of you can relate to only considering my own feelings, wants, needs, and desires. Life is about so much more than that. It’s about getting outside yourself, your comfort zone, your selfishness to see the needs of others.
Marriage has taught me that I don’t want to be so narrow-minded as to think that this lifetime is about what I can get out of it. Rather, life is about what I can put into it. Who can I help? How can I help? Marriage has this way of making you realize that you want to be mobilized. To have a successful marriage, you have to learn to be selfless and other-oriented, and in that, there is so much fulfillment and joy. What an incredible and awesome life it can be when we get outside of the “me, me, me” zone that often sucks us in and holds us hostage from truly living and fulfilling our purpose.
…whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be your slave—just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many. –Matthew 20:26-28
I don’t know about you, but I don’t ever want to stop learning, growing, and striving to be a better person. Life is an adventure, and as James 4:14 describes, it is but a vapor. We can’t afford to squander it. That’s what I love about marriage (one of the many things); it forces us to grow and change. While painful and uncomfortable at times, marriage reveals to us our rough spots and gives us the opportunity to refine ourselves. As we sharpen one another, we not only find fulfillment and joy in our marriage, but we become effective world-changers who get that there’s more to life than meets the eye.
Copyright © 2013, Foundation Restoration. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. No reproduction allowed without written permission from Foundation Restoration and/or the author.
Ashley,
I love this article, and how you talk about marriage and how it really is. I have see so many times, with my friends who are looking for this “magic feeling” of falling in love. Then when the feeling wears off they think that they must not have the right ONE for them and they go in search of the next right ONE>
I totally agree about love being a commitment that can’t be broken or forgotten.
I choose every day that I want to be married and I want to make my marriage work. It is a lot of hard work at times. I also agree with what you have said that it’s worth every ounce of effort.
Vicki, thank you so much for your kind feedback! I do think many people chase after the feelings of love instead of choosing to love. I love that you make that choice every day and work hard at your marriage!
Another great article Ashley. Marriage and our family is a great and even rewarding way to get the dross out of ourselves. What are we put on this earth to accomplish?
We can’t even begin to care about that question until we move the me…into it’s rightful place.
Linda, I love your line “move the me.” It’s so true that we’ve got to get outside ourselves to see and pursue the big picture. Thanks for sharing!
Ashley, Once again I watched the video you have at the top of your page. I can’t tell you just how encouraging that video is for me. It is a pick me up every time I watch it. If you can, post it on facebook. Watching and listening to the message of these couples I can identify with and it gives hope.
Linda, I will post the video on Facebook again. Thanks for the encouragement and kind words!
Great article Ashley and very encouraging. Sometimes I need a reminder to keep myself in check
Thanks Erin!