By Ashley McIlwain
In a world of social media and smart phones, the concept of privacy is becoming extinct. We’re constantly being pulled into a self-revealing state of mind that beckons us to share that, post this, and all around put our private lives on public display. But how much is too much?
I open up Facebook, and at the top of the page it reads, “What’s on your mind?” prompting me to share with the world what it is that I am thinking about at that moment. Does the world really need, or even want, to know that information though? Better yet, should the world know what is on my mind?
The problem isn’t sharing what you are up to or even your thoughts. Most of us love seeing updates about our friends and family in one convenient place. The problem comes when we start disclosing private information about our lives or the lives of our loved ones without a second thought or any sort of filter.
Divulging so much personal and private stuff without contemplation or consideration of how or who it is impacting, can lead to a lot of issues and problems. Personally, I would be so offended and hurt if my husband were to make a public declaration about an intimate argument or issue we were having. If one of my family members or friends thoughtlessly publicized a cherished detail or occasion in my life, I would be saddened and disappointed. It’s not fair or prudent to carelessly broadcast potentially sensitive things that involve others without first contemplating or consulting with them.
Some of the things I have seen posted on Facebook and Twitter has shocked me. People sharing intimate details about their lives, broadcasting their marital problems, openly bashing people, and documenting their every thought out loud. Some things are meant to be private or kept to yourself!
This is especially true with relationships! Your delicate, intimate issues with your spouse (or significant other, or anyone for that matter) should not be aired out on social media outlets. I’ve legitimately seen comments like:
“So much pain right now … I miss him.”
“Heartbroken. I can’t believe she did this to me.”
“Just wish that he would listen to me.”
“I’m sorry. Please come back to me.”
We have become obsessed with sharing things publicly that aren’t meant to be blurted out to the world. Selfishly, we vocalize our inner-most thoughts and feelings victimizing ourselves and avoiding the real solution, which is resolving our relational conflict with the person(s) involved. We need to stop venting publicly and start communicating directly with people we have issues or problems with.
This also begs the question: Are we becoming so consumed with letting the world know what we are doing every second of the day that we forget to actually live. Maybe we need some status updates from our spouse and children face-to-face for a change. Perhaps we should stop living our life out loud online and start being present in person. A hundred tweets, posts, or pins, are no substitute for precious moments spent with our loved ones engaged and full attentive.
Again, the problem is not social media, but it’s what we’re doing with it. What information are we putting out there, and why? When have we crossed the line of putting too much information out there? And when does it start to become a problem in our lives, marriages, and families?
Why?
Before you share something on a public forum like Facebook or Twitter, ask yourself why you are posting it? What is your purpose? Most of us probably don’t even give our posts a second thought, or when we do, there’s a hidden agenda behind them. If you’re using social media to say something to someone that you can’t address to their face, there’s a problem. Social media shouldn’t be a substitute for human interaction, and it also shouldn’t be a platform for you to air out all of your dirty laundry.
Remember: Just because something can be shared doesn’t mean it should be shared.
Is it something you want your mom to read?
Whether you realize it or not, people are actually reading what you are sharing. The information you are posting is being seen. I’ve had people be shocked, appalled, and even angry when people respond to something they post saying things like, “Stay out of my personal business.” Usually I look at their response scratching my head in complete perplexity. When you post something publicly, you are going to get a public response. People are going to have something to say about it. When you share something openly, you lose your right to say, “Mind your own business.”
Filter what it is you are putting out there realizing that it’s there for all to see and weigh in on. A great question to ask yourself is, “Is this something I want my mom to read?” Most of us have mothers who were/are the voice of reason in our life, so let that voice of reason resound when preparing to make a public statement about something or someone.
Agreement
Especially when it comes to our relationships, we must learn to establish strong boundaries around what we share and don’t share. We need to protect the privacy and sacredness of our relationships. Talk to your spouse, kids, family, and friends about the kind of content they are ok with you sharing as it relates to them. Particularly with your spouse, check in with him/her to find out what level of disclosure they are comfortable with.
It’s important to consider the feelings and preferences of the ones you love. Make sure to touch base with them to be in agreement with what is off limits to the world. This protects your loved ones, prevents a lot of conflict, and overall preserves your relationship.
Sometimes when we are online, we lose the accountability and awareness that we would otherwise have in an actual human interaction. There’s this sense of freedom and anonymity that we can say whatever we feel like without consequence. That’s just not the case.
What you post on social media outlets matters. People read and respond to it. That can be both a good and a bad thing. It depends entirely on your discretion in what things you are posting. Facebook, Pinterest, Twitter, and Instagram are all cool tools to connect, share, and document life, but they shouldn’t be used thoughtlessly. Keep in mind that there are times you just need to put up your sign that reads, “Privacy Please!”
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This is another GREAT article Ashley. I must say, when our children were little we tried to keep our arguments to ourselves.(if that is even possible) There were times when our children told others what they heard during a heated dispute between my husband and myself. Let me say,the more that got involved the worse things became and the longer it took to move on from that disagreement. Plus, we forgive and forget much sooner then those who were not directly involved.
Linda, thank you! You bring up such an important point that the more people involved, the messier things get, and we are certainly for quickly to forgive and forget for our spouse while our family may not be. Great points! Thanks for sharing!
Amen amen amen!!!
This is a great article; full of what needs to be heard and understood among every relationship. Thanks for sharing your heart and expertise on this type of communication.
Ashlee, thank you so much for your kind words of encouragement! I appreciate it!