By Ashley McIlwain
When we think of affairs, we have a certain thought as to what that means and looks like. Typically it involves at least one spouse seeking intimacy, oftentimes physical, outside of the marriage. There is one affair though that happens much more frequently, is extremely dangerous, and yet, it goes relatively undetected. In fact, it’s often praised or considered normal.
The affair I’m talking about involves an emotional dependency and intimacy with none other than your children.
I know this is a sensitive subject that some may find offensive, but it’s one that must be addressed. Time and time again I have witnessed firsthand parents using their children to fulfill the emotional needs not being filled by their spouse. Rather than working through those issues with their spouse, the parent just molds their child into a pseudo husband or wife.
Professionally speaking, we mental health professionals call this enmeshment. Basically enmeshment is an unhealthy dependency and attachment between two people like a parent with their child. Not only does this create a further chasm between a husband and wife, but it establishes an unhealthy connection between the parent and child that can lead to devastating and crippling effects for the child down the road.
A child was never meant to fulfill the emotional needs that a spouse does. A child is a child and needs a parent not a spouse. When you begin to turn to your little one to fill the shoes of a husband or wife, you are twisting and contorting that relationship into something it was never designed to be. You are hurting them, yourself, their future relationships, and your marriage.
You may be unaware of this dynamic as so many parents are. Or you may be aware, but you think it’s harmless. “So what if my child makes me feel loved, adored, and needed in the ways my spouse doesn’t? What’s the big deal?” The big deal is that that is not the role they were meant to fulfill. You are bypassing the need for intimacy, communication, and connectedness with your spouse and seeking it in a little, vulnerable person who shouldn’t have to handle that kind of pressure or responsibility. And what happens when that child grows up? Leaves home? Gets married? What then?
Suddenly you will be faced with the reality that your child cannot be your source of emotional fulfillment any longer. Not if you want them to go on and have a healthy, satisfying life with meaningful, strong relationships. You will be forced then to deal with the mess of a marriage you’ve allowed to go unattended in your own life.
While it does occur between fathers and daughters, this is most commonly seen playing out between a mother and son. A lot of mothers, rather than dealing with their husband’s shortcomings and limitations, shape and mold their sweet, vulnerable son in to the husband they wish they had. They bypass the need for communicating, arguing, and negotiating with their husband because it’s easier to just raise their son to be what they want and need. This is so dangerous and detrimental!
Many mental health professionals agree that one of the most challenging traits to deal with in a spouse is a “mama’s boy.” It’s not that mothers and sons cannot have close relationships, but a son with an unhealthy attachment style to their mother will struggle to detach appropriately when necessary. These sons who have been raised to put their mothers first and meet their every need will often always be that way. Even when they marry, they will keep their mother as their number one woman and priority. This leads to so many issues, arguments, and dysfunctions in the son’s new marriage.
Not only does the new wife have to deal with her own personal insecurities, struggles, and exploration of her new role, but she is fighting for her rightful position as the top woman in her husband’s life. The husband feels obligated to his mother and is placed in a really awkward and uncomfortable position of choosing between his mother and wife. This is not a choice that should have to be made; his wife needs to be his main priority. The worst part is that the mother often grows resentful, angry, and bitter toward her son’s wife because the wife is now “stepping on her toes.” The mother is faced with the threat of “losing” her son and being left alone with the marriage she’s neglected to maintain and work on all of these years. It all makes for an epic battle that should never have existed.
So many times … too many times … this is the biggest issue for a couple. Personally I have seen this more times than I can count – dealing with the parent who used their child as a crutch and supplement to an unfulfilling and troubled marriage and now refuses to let them go. It’s tragic, devastating, and absolutely destroys marriages over and over again. Matthew 19:5-6 says, “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.”
Parents, your child is NOT a substitute for a spouse who’s not measuring up. While it’s wonderful for you to raise your child to be an amazing husband or wife, it shouldn’t be for you. They are not meant to be manipulated into your own personal feel-good piggy bank where you make withdrawals whenever you’re feeling poorly about yourself.
Yes, your child is a blessing that will no doubt deliver such joy and meaning to your life. Yes, you should create a loving and meaningful relationship with your child that will last a lifetime. That’s one of the incredible treasures of being a parent – to love and be loved in that parent-child relationship. Don’t morph that into something destructive and twisted though.
It’s wonderful for you to be a loving, involved, nurturing parent who is close and connected with your child. That’s so important and necessary for the development of the child, so please don’t misunderstand me and think that’s what I’m saying to avoid. What I am saying to avoid is using your child to meet needs that your spouse should be meeting. Avoid contorting the dynamics of your relationship with your child to satisfy emotional gaps left from an unhappy, unsatisfying, or insufficient marriage. Keep the relationship as a parent to a child realizing that one day they will need to leave and start their own family.
If you want to have an amazing marriage that leaves you feeling appreciated, loved, and fulfilled, then you’ve got to work on your marriage with your spouse. You’ve got to roll up your sleeves and do the dirty work. You can’t give up on your spouse or your marriage. The only way you will receive the blessings and benefits of marriage is to constantly work at it with your spouse.
Your marriage is the foundation of your family. The greatest blessing and gift you can give your children is a strong, thriving marriage. An example of what it means to love and work hard at a marriage. Only you can give that to your child so that they can then go out one day and experience that in their own marriage.
Parents, don’t give up on your own marriage and just rely on your children to meet those emotional needs. You will cripple them in their future relationships, and you will end up being one of the biggest impediments to their success. Keep things in order – your marriage is your marriage, your spouse is your spouse, and your child is your child. Be faithful in your marriage and continue to work at your relationship with your spouse for everyone’s sake.
Copyright © 2013, Foundation Restoration. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. No reproduction allowed without written permission from Foundation Restoration and/or the author.
Excellent article.
Ricinda, thank you! I really appreciate the feedback and encouragement!
Very good Ashley! It is one many people need to hear and understand.
Erin, thank you! I know it might be a sensitive subject, but I do believe it’s one that people must hear and be aware of. I’ve seen too many marriages destroyed from this, and I pray that it helps that healing process. Thanks for the kind words; I appreciate it!
Interesting article. It is very important for parents to have the balance between building a strong relationship with their children while not crossing the line into enmeshment. It’s even more difficult (and more important) to reverse enmeshment once it’s identified. Great, insightful article.
Anonymous, thank you! I agree; it’s a balance. I certainly don’t want people to think they should neglect or detach from their children! We need loving, involved parents, but we need them to not be that at the expense of their marriage. Like you said, it’s important that once we are aware of enmeshment, we do the work to reverse it. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts!
Wow! I have never seen it put so clearly and for someone to see and write about this destructive force, that really works against marriages! God Bless you! I and many of my friends have been painfully dealing with this for more then 25 years! Oh my how thankful I am that God has revealed it and I pray you revisit this issue again soon!!!!
Linda, thank you! Unfortunately I have heard time and time again of people who have had to contend with this painful, hurtful, and very challenging situation. It breaks my heart, and it’s something that parents especially need to be aware of. It’s also important for both spouse’s to be aware of too in case this is playing out in their marriage. I know a ton of people can relate, so it’s definitely a subject I will touch on again. Thanks for sharing and encouraging!!!
Great post! I actually just posted about the same thing today! http://j.mp/HavKidPt2
Thanks Sarah! I appreciate the feedback and will have to check your post out 🙂
The m,other who neglected me and my sister enmeshed my brother. She died recently and I am so angry as I see the extent of the damage she did to him. When she was alive, it was as though the pair were a single entity. At 66 he has not had a life, is devoid of social skills and has no friends. He is his mother and I am trying to wake him up. He had her open coffin at home and took loads of photos. He thought she looked beautiful but I could see only ugliness from within. To him she remains a saint. To me she is despicable. There is always a little humour in even the saddest stories so I must tell you about the film I remembered when I saw them together. Can you guess? A clue – Hitchcock. Yes, It’s Psycho and my brother a potential Norman.
Paul, wow, thank you for sharing so honestly about your family’s experience. It’s obvious you are aware of how twisted and dangerous that parent to child relationship can be. No doubt it has created a lot of pain and dysfunction for all of you to work through and overcome, and I hope and pray you’re able to do just that. Again, thank you for your honesty and sharing!
Are you a therapist for couple?
A little more. My father was a narcissist and you can imagine that al hell regularly broke loose in my house. My mother called me her ‘champion’ and it was me who got between him and her when fists were flying.. Only in later years did I find the truth. No wonder I am bi-polar. Again, I look for the light in the darkness. The lows are really bad times but when I go up? Wow, what a ride!!
Thank you for this well written article! I’m going through this with my boyfriend. He and his mother have a unhealthy bond. Even though her husband is alive and well, the emotional bond in that marriage is gone. so who dose she turn to? Her son. I like the fact that he loves and respects his mother, but sometimes it gets out of hand. If we are together, she will call him back home to take her to the store, Or she told him to stop taking me out (to the movies, out to dinner) to save money, and accumulate funds for the house hold. He has no intentions of moving out and he’s 27 years old! She still cleans his room, does his laundry, and does his clothes shopping, it’s ridiculous! Everytime I try to talk to him about it he’s says I’m jealous and I quote ” your just jealous that I’m closer to my mom, then you are with your mom”. He doesn’t seem to understand that I have a mature/adult relationship with my parents (including my step parents, my mother and father divorced when I was younger) and I’m not attached to them at the hip.
Rose, I am so sorry to hear of your situation with your boyfriend! It sounds like he and his mother’s relationship is a bit on the extreme side of the spectrum too. Unfortunately this can be so painfully difficult for a couple of deal with and make the necessary adjustments. I hope and pray that both of you are able to do the work necessary to make all relationships involved healthy ones. It’s certainly not that you want him to cut off his mom, but at 27 years old, he should be living on his own, caring for himself, prepping for a family, making his own decisions, and not being the primary emotional support for his mother. To be honest, you’re going to have an uphill battle, so I would make sure that you are aware of that. It’s not impossible to overcome, but it’s going to be painful and very challenging. Thank you so much for sharing, and I pray that you both make wise decisions on how to move forward!
Please get him help or get out of the relationship. I am dealing with this after 30 years together. The cheating has only gotten worse. His mom recently died and he really really cheated with girls 30 to 35 years younger along with chat sex and heavy porn use. He is in therapy now and will probably always have this issue. It’s now very hard to even look at him. His mom called me 3 weeks after we married yelling that I stole her son and he and I have duties to her.
Great article!! This is very unhealthy and it does ruin relationships.
Thanks for your feedback Ann! I appreciate it!
What does the son of mother enmeshment need for it to change at the root for him? Is it consider a sin for him to engage in it? Would he need to repent of it or is it only the mother’s sin.. is it like brain washing the child.. if so how does that change.. seems like the loyalty to that bond would run so deep he would have a hard time knowing what his own desires are or even having his own. Hard to see how he could recognize his own will between him and God.. can you speak to any of this?
My mother in law manipulated my husband all her life until the day she died. He was her sole caregiver and doted over her day and night. I was left alone more than a wife ever should have been. Our intimacy, communication and life together as man and wife were null and he turned to porn, music writing, and isolation for many years. Now that his mother has passed away, we have intimacy, communication but it has made my trust in him not turning to porn and other attachments very insecure. I often wonder if their bond was even more than just emotional at times. I can’t help but have very harsh feelings for her!
Kathy, I am so sorry to hear of all that you and your husband have been through because of his unhealthy relationship with his mother. This saddens me so deeply as I have heard of similar stories over and over again! I am glad that you guys are working on rebuilding your relationships, communication and intimacy, and I pray that you’re able to overcome those challenges of trust, pornography use, and general damage from the past together! Thank you for sharing!
I had been doing some reading on mother-in-law-daughter-in-law relationships when I came across this term enmeshment. I knew that I was not imagining the things that I saw and felt in
my relationship with my husband (or should I say husband and his mother) which I have since brought to his attention. But let me say that after4 years of marriage…I finally got him to agree to move out from under his mother’s derriere. When it will all materialze… Well let God do his thing. But her behavior can never be Christian-like…a title she is quick to claim and like many others who commented…I just do not like the best bone in her body… Because now she is even trying to use the elder of my two sons as her crutch…but I am not having it anymore and thank God I seem to have my husband’s support… but patiently I wait till God is ready for us to move into our new home which I wish would b sooner than later.
Bridjit, thank you for sharing your experience! As you can see, you are not alone. Thankfully, your husband is finally able to hear what you are saying and accept it! I pray that you guys are able to work through what that actually means, what a healthy relationship with his mother looks like, and what boundaries need to be established for the sake of your marriage, the relationship with her, and your family. May God give you all strength and wisdom as you tackle this painful and difficult situation!
My mum is a tyrant and I know that,I don’t run after her and that ticks her off.
I have always tried to keep a balance between my partner that I love.
And my mum.
I don’t see mum very often because it hurts my partner.
They are both very strong women.
I always try to support the love of my life.
But my mum will always be my mum.
I have cut the cord.
And tried to explain it to Debb and mum.
Nothing is good enough for these girls.
I don’t know what to do any more because there realy isn’t anything to fight for.
I love my partner and I love my mum.
It hurts whenever i try and resolve this crap.
I get hurt by one of them at least.
MY mum is my mum and Debb is my partner, I can’t win.
I know there is no such thing as winning in a relationship but I’m frigged either way.
I realise that i’m an immature cretin, who is the luckiest dude to find my partner.
I really would like the crap to end.
I have told my mum that Debb is my life.
I have abused my mum, and told her to back off.
What can i do for them both????
Please help me.
Michael.
Michael, this is a tough one, and it’s challenging for me to really offer you any specific help without all of the details. Honestly, it sounds like you would benefit from some individual therapy or counseling so that you can explain for details about your relationship with Debb as well as your mom. Clearly they are both demanding women, which can put you in a very difficult position. It would really help to have someone who can work directly with you to figure out what specific steps you can take to protect all the relationships involved as well as figure out what demands/requests by each are realistic versus unrealistic. Thank you for sharing!
That was awesome. Thank you. Im in a relationship for 7 years
Now and i finally understand. I always thought my mother in law
was maybe wierd about her
son but now i know why she comes first and why we arent married
And why we have to live 2 miles down the road. I dont get in the middle
of it cause i know i cant change it as frustrating as it is but thank you
for the info on the situation.
Very good article, as I’m looking to find perspective. My husband is 43 years old and it is primarily his mother with the issue, but so much tragic stuff as well. Her husband was violent, and so it was left to my husband to defend his mother and then, when he became big enough, she left it to my husband to throw his father out of the house. She has always been consumed by my husband – he is all she talks about, and her memories of him at home when he was young. In return my husband feels a huge amount of guilt and responsibility for her – unable to be affectionate to me with her there, tells me not to wear jewellery he has bought me because it might make her feel bad – that kind of thing. It’s got to the point where I feel that my mother in law has serious psychological issues, my husband feels caught, and I’m just in despair with it all, after what feels like 15 years of fighting for position with this damaged woman who simply cannot see or face truths. It’s tough to know where to start and how to proceed, but thank you for what you wrote. I will be doing more reading on the subject.
Kathy, thank you so sharing so honestly! I hear your pain and frustration, and I empathize. Unfortunately many men find themselves entrapped with guilt by their mothers who treat them more as a husband than their son, and their wives are left feeling excluded, frustrated, and confused. It’s such a tricky situation to navigate and handle all around. Obviously your husband feels a sense of obligation to his mother, but you should be the top priority. It’s so vital for him to establish boundaries in his relationship with his mom, but this may take some professional assistance as it sounds like a pretty extreme and intense situation. Keep hanging in there! It’s important for you to help your husband through this battle with love and grace, but you’ll also need firmness. Praying that you both are able to navigate this painful and challenging separation from his mom. Again, thanks for sharing!
I can relate to this article, because I’m currently separated from my husband because he refuse to put his mother in her place. I’m happy to know that what I been telling my husband about his relationship with his mother is true. She treat her husband like the son and my husband like the father. This article confirmed it.
Staton, I am so sorry to hear that you are facing this situation, but I’m glad that you found comfort in my article! Praying your husband is able to see things clearly, be courageous, and set healthy boundaries up with his mother. It’s such a sad and unfortunate situation, so I hope and pray you two are bale to work together to overcome this challenge. Thanks for sharing!
Great article! Very well written. I hope I raise my son to be the kind of man to put his wife’s needs first. Marriage is between two people, not two people and his mother.
Jennifer, thanks for the feedback and encouragement! We need mothers like you teaching their sons that; keep up the great work!
I have been with my now husband for 5 years. We have been married about 2.5 years. His mom and Ihave a close relationship, like she is trying to be a friend. We have always gotten along and I know I am blessed to be able to say that. However, I have always noticed that my husband was raised more as a friend to her rather than a “normal” healthy mother-son relationship. My husband was raised by his mom and grandma. The father was not in the picture until my husband was 17. My mother in law had a husband from the time my husband was about 8-18. They didn’t get along. My mother in law divorced him. I believe she was never happy with him and was putting everything into counting on her son, my husband, as a source of happiness.
Though my mother in law and I are close, she has said some things that make me wonder… Three years ago at my husbands graduation from Basic training she made a comment to me that her son looked “hot” and had a nice butt. I will always remember it because of how out of line it was. I belive she may have been trying to intimidate me. I didn’t say much back to that. Recently I have noticed her making comments about asking my husband if she will take care of her when she’s old. She has two young daughters so I feel this comment was also out of line. She also always tells me to tell her “baby boy” that she loves him.
There are other situations that have gone on but what do you think about what I’ve mentioned? I am just trying to figure out what would be best now to help the situation before it gets worse.
Thank you so much in advance and thank you for this article!!!
Thank you for your wonderful article. If I hadn’t known better I would swear this was written about my partner. Mother-in-law had a very unhealthy marriage but stayed with her husband because she was too worried what other would think of her if she got divorced (her words not mine) she only had 1 child. She has no friends, I have tried to encourage her to join clubs etc to no avail. He sees her everyday. She has diabetes and refuses to even try to give her own injection or have blue care just so we can have a break or some time out. Before she had diabetes she still had to have him over every day. She is very manipulating and lies about what she says to me and even the kids so she can have a big sook to him after I’ve bitten back. She makes up dramas with her neighbours and carries on. My partner has depression and thinks he hears neighbours and strangers talking about him (auditory delusions) he on medication, not of his own free will. She tells him that he hasn’t got mental health issues and that I am just a trouble making bitch for making him get help. We do not do anything together and I am watching her pull him in closer and push the kids and I away. I am sick and tired of their twisted relationship. He is not a bad person and is kind hearted but I feel like he is brainwashed.
Milo, I am so sorry to hear that you and your husband are struggling in handling his relationship with his mother. Considering his mental health issues and now this issue, it could be very helpful for you guys to enlist the help of a professional to navigate setting up boundaries, communicating honestly, and making sure he has the care he needs for his auditory delusions. Praying for you guys! Thanks for sharing!
Have been dealing with this for a few yrs and was for the most part tolerable but since my longtime bf dad past away 8 months ago it has gotten rediculous the dependency in him is not fair and is causing us a lot of problems and segueing
Thank you for this article. God revealed this to my son and I four years ago. he is 27 now. We are still
working on breaking this dependency off between us.
Would you happen to know where we can go to find information on what an mom and adult son normal emotional relationship should look like. He is started to feel that if he has any emotional feelings for me he is too dependent on me.
He wishes someone could show him if its ok to have emotional feelings.
There has to be a balance but what does that look like.
thanks for any help.
Your article was very helpful. I thought I was going crazy in my relationship with my boyfriend of 6years. I have notice over the years that he always tending to her needs. His mother do have a boyfriend that she has been with for 13 and they both are jobless and the mom always rely on the son to support the family and I have tried to tell my boyfriend that he needs to let her boyfriend play the man role but he does not listen to anything I tell hom. His mom has stressed him out to the best of her abilities and everytime this happens he always leave me heartbroken because his mom always come first before our relationship. Today he told me that he will leave anybody and everybody for his mom. That kind of scares me because this isnt the first time he has said this. I can tell he really loves his mom and I respect that. I just hate the fact that she puts her problems on him which stresses him out which leaves a result of our relationship being his last obligation. There has been times where she had locked herself out of the house and we had to stop and leave from our date just to help her. Or if she gets stranded somewhere we have to go get her. She always asking him for a million favors but its getting out of hand. She has start asking me for favors like running her around town. Which from time to time I don’t mind but now its all the time. Like two weeks ago she wanted taco bell and wanted me to take her. I personally did not wanna go because I have been running around all that day. She got mad at me and started down talking me to my boyfriend. Then lastnight she called me and said “hey I need a favor could you run me home i’m sure your not busy.” At that point I knew it became a problem she only calls me when she wants a favor. Her son will do anything and take all of the responsibilities. Today over the phone I told him that I don’t want him to beat his self up because of his mom problems he said that he will because its his mom. Then I said will she do it for you? He hung up on me but was I right for that question or I am just going a little bit crazy?
I am a woman in my 50’s, married, with two sons. My older son at college living away from home. My younger son, age 18, is graduating from high school. My sons and I get along very well, especially the younger boy. I will be sad to see him leave home for college, but he is independent and I think we have a healthy relationship. They also have a good relationship with their dad.
We recently moved back to Colorado and had a visit from a friend we have known for many years. She came for the weekend and brought her 19 year old son along. The boy was adopted at a very young age. Her husband, the adoptive father, is an arrogant and difficult man.
Knowing I am close to my own son, I was really taken aback by my friend and her son. Throughout the weekend he followed his mother around like a puppy. He refused to sleep in one of the twin beds in my son’s room and instead slept in the full-sized guest bed with his mother. He inserted himself into everyone of our “girl talk” conversations including hair, nails and makeup. His mother laughingly told us that he colors her hair! When we were all watching TV together and his mom was lying down on the L-shaped part of the couch, instead of sitting elsewhere, the boy climbed in right next to his mother. I would add that the kid is also arrogant like his father, critical, fault-finding, never says thank you or has a kind word for anyone. He put down my son at every chance. “What, you don’t have a smart phone?” “My GPA is higher than yours.” “I got my driver’s license the day I turned 16,” etc.
Is it just me, or is this extreme behavior? The mom is my good friend, but the lack of boundaries in their mother-son relationship was a little creepy. Comments would help me put this in perspective.
Thank you…. Its article confirms what I have been dealing with in my recent relationship with a man enmeshed with his daughter. Never have I been with a man who wanted to spend so much time with his teenage daughter and what was most interesting to me was why the daughter would want to spend time with her dad and not her friends? This was the biggest issue and why our relationship ended… so much denial on his part & anger when I would bring up my concerns. Love is not enough to sustain a relationship. His enmeshment & statement that “it will all change once she’s 18” is unbelievable & supports his denial. Thoughts?! Thank you!
Hi Ashleigh, I am very interested in how you would respond to the comments from #38 Anonymous ? By the way Anonymous, it definitely doesn’t end at age 18!! It gets much much worse. The daughters breed, and so the next generation of enmeshment is born and don’t dare try and gently expose the dysfunction within the family, or expect any open, honest discussion from your partner. You will be thrown to the wolves… Considered a dangerous threat. Isolated and ostracized. I too have just ended a 5+ year relationship with a man who has a “special bond” and very secretive relationship with one of his 30+ daughters. He could never truly bond with me emotionally and I believe it is because of this relationship with her. It’s so hard to discuss with anyone because it’s like this ether, poisonous gas that you can’t see, touch or smell but you always feel it. It’s always there in the middle of your relationship, like a cold chill through your bones. She is very immature for her age and their relationship is very co-dependent and infantile. And strangely it was also kind of fake and insincere. Does that make sense ? He would never discuss it’s impact on our relationship and in his eyes, I was the one with the “problem” and I got labelled jealous. Do not invest your time, love and energy into these kind of men. They seem like sweet, loving, caring family men from a distance but when you really get up close, it’s just a ton of emotional crap you don’t need and these men will leave you emotionally starved and drained, continually doubting your self worth and value in your relationship. I would love to read more posts about other peoples experience with father and adult daughter enmeshment and also to get your opinion on this topic Ashleigh. Thank you
This is a great article. My significant other of 2.5 years is dealing with this with her 21 year old son. I’ve tried to talk to her about it, but she gets very defensive each time. I’ve been to therapy for it and the therapist explained that it’s enmeshment she’s dealing with. I’d never heard of the term before this. I’d like her to go to a therapist or go with me to one, but I’m not sure how to address it. I’d appreciate any input. Thank you.
I’m currently separated from a man who has enmeshed with his daughter. At first I thought I was just jealous possibly, or as I thought, going out of my mind due to the situation. She was seeing a counselor who, in my sessions, confirmed my suspicion of this issue. Followed by a professional parenting coordinator, with over 20 years experience, confirming it too. It has torn us apart and pushed me to an edge I never knew I could get to. I’ve never seen anything like it. Saddest part of it all is his family supports and encourages this “special bond” and I have become the monster who is manipulative because I have had enough. I have approached him about it more than once with defensiveness being the answer. Sadly, I love them both dearly, apart. Together the destructiveness of the situation is more than I can handle. #39 Susan, You and I are living parallel lives.
Excellent writing. My partner’s mother is one these women, and they have the unhealthy Mother/Son bond you talk about. She is without question a narcissist. She is also single, so unlike most the mothers in your article here, the only “husband” she has is my partner. She manipulated my partner to break serious life plans he and I had. Example : my partner and I moved. Guess who changed plans..invited herself to move at the same time, making the move more complex…and now has her own little place about 200 to 250 feet away from ours? Yes, his mommy. In fact, she got upset when just being a couple miles across town from her son was an option….nope, she had to be on the same block.
There is a million things I could say about the manipulative woman, and how she’s tried to destroy our relationship, make up complete lies to try to make family friends hate me and avoid me (instead they told me about that phone call)… I’ll just say two facts:
1. One time soon after my partner moved in with me, she wanted my partner to put me on the phone. She started crying instantly and said I had “taken her man away”.
2. He left a few things at his mom’s when we first lived together…She sent a text to him that said exactly “I’m here smelling your scent on your pillows and missing you. SIGH”
My partner: “that’s just mom”.
Me: There is something seriously wrong with “mom”.
My partner has had no problem complaining about me to his mom. He has NEVER once complained to me about her. He says I’m first….but when push comes to shove, I’ve already seen otherwise.
I’m actually dealing with this in my marriage. My wife has a child from another relationship. Our marriage has hit some turbulent times but her son is “her spouse” much of the time. She’s telling him things that she doesn’t tell me or telling him about things that I NEED to know as it affects our other 2 boys. It’s like, don’t ask your son to do something that is meant for me to do. You aren’t married to him. This article is right on point and these are the discussions that need to be had. Unfortunately, the mother’s who are doing this won’t see it this way and will only justify their behavior, which is what I can hear my wife doing.
What should I do about my longtime friend with the enmeshed 19 year old son? The boy is narcissistic and arrogant. He follows his mother around like a puppy. I think he is the bigger problem in the enmeshment; his mother just seems clueless about appropriate boundaries. She brings him with her everywhere. Her husband does not socialize at all.
Most of the posts refer to issues with enmeshed spouses or partners, but I’ve been friends with this woman for 25 years. I lived in another state for a while and when I moved back the boy was grown and I couldn’t believe how they acted together. Do I end our longtime friendship because I can’t stand her son and their creepy relationship?
My husband of 8 years is a momma’s boy at 48 and he rec’d a job offer 3400 miles away. They are enmeshed emotionally due to his dad’s poor social skills and inability to listen to his wife of 51 years. Husband calls himself “her rock” due to his close proximity and he’s the “only one she can tell everything to”. I am definitely the 3rd wheel for 12 years and have been uncomfortable since about year one. It’s not creepy like the above but very sad b/c she is getting super emotional when he talks about the move and has developed serious stomach issues. I adv him she will learn to deal with this. He is now thinking of not taking one of the best jobs he’s ever been offered. We do need help -I feel – but he does not think there is anything wrong and is very quick to defend her to the point of anger.
This fits my mother in laws relationship with my husband to a T. She will call him crying asking why he doesn’t love her and appreciate her and he will have to comfort her. This not only makes him feel guilty for upsetting her, but puts a strain on our relationship because he becomes so stressed out over his mother’s actions. She has even told him several times that she wished she would die and then he would see what he she had really meant to him. She also constantly bad mouths me to him and others, which puts a strain on my relationship with her and my relationship with my husband. We are newlyweds and marriage is stressful enough without her added drama. She even got angry because we wouldn’t answer her texts about what we were doing when we were on our honeymoon. I’ve tried talking to him about it but he just says that’s his mother and I need to respect that she’ll always be around. I worry that this will continue to damage our relationship though and once we have kids it will become even worse. He has a much better relationship with my mother than his own and that infuriates her as well. She is jealous of every other relationship he has. It’s not healthy and I don’t know what to do anymore.
Hi Ashley,
I can really relate to this article. I think my husband and his mom have this exact relationship. My question to you as the wife, how do I go about healing my marriage from these issues when my husband does not seem to think there is a problem? We are practicing Catholics, yet whenever I broach the topic, my husband gets so angry to the point where he threatens to separate. I’m devastated at the thought and hurting that he struggles to commit to me. What can I do to fix my marriage?
Joanne
This is a real interesting article and I can first hand relate to something similiar and didn’t ever hear of this before.
excellent article…..realistic problem!
Excellent read. I’m a 42 yr old husband, on a second marriage for over 5 years. My wife is 47 and has two children, one is a 16 yr old daughter and the other a 25 yr old son. My wife is a wonderful mother who loves her children immensely, but there is enmeshment there with the son that unhealthy, and it is causing problems in our marriage. He came to live with us right before we got married and has gradually withdrawn from everything. He quit his job because it was causing panic attacks, and he now sits at home all day watching YouTube videos and Netflix. My wife spends a lot of time with her son..too much time in my opinion. We hardly ever have time alone. But the part that scares me is that when my wife and I leave, say to go out to eat or to the store…or if she meets me for lunch during the week when I’m working, we ALWAYS get a call or text from her son, wanting to know where she is and when she will be home. She thinks it is innocent and he is just “checking in” on her. He will usually tell her he is feeling “panicky” or something, and his mother tells him he will be ok, and she will be home soon. When he leaves the house, which is rare, he will ask her to keep the phone close…every time. Then he will call her to tell her he is feeling a panic attack coming on. Once she stayed on the phone with him and talked him all the way home from work because he felt panic. If I complain that it interrupts our time together, which it does all the time, I’m told I’m selfish, bitter, and that I need to just change my f—* attitude because she is not going to stop being there for her son. It really looks like separation anxiety…but because I feel like my thoughts and feelings above it don’t matter, I’m growing increasingly bitter, and I fear that my marriage may be on shaky ground. Sometimes I just want to leave and let them be together, unhindered. I often feel like I interrupt their time, or don’t fit into their life. I feel like I live with my wife and her kids, and that this is their home. If he is sleeping, I have to keep everything quiet so he can rest…yet, I’m the one who goes to work every day to pay the fucking bills while he sits on his arse hanging out with mommy. He is smart, good looking and can do anything with his life…and I tell my wife that she can be supportive but at some point she needs to just tell him he needs to deal with his panic on his own…because she won’t always be there. She won’t. For me I either like it, or lump it….deal with it, accept it, or leave. We are seeing counsellors…and the counsellor admits that their relationship is too enmeshed, but nothing changes. He is counseled to deal with it on his own, but he still calls mom every time he is away from her. He has admitted to being afraid something will happen to her…has even expressed he won’t want to go on living if she dies. He does her laundry, cleans our bathroom, does dishes, and mom thinks it’s great. Meanwhile I feel like I’m on the outside looking in. I feel like he is doing my job. Shouldn’t I be taking care of and supporting my wife, who is disabled? But there is little left for me to do because son is always there to do it. If my wife and I have a decision to make she will almost always bring him into it and get his opinion. And more times than I can count if his opinion on the matter differs from mine, she leans his way and tries to talk me into doing it that way. It is truly affecting me psychologically (I’ve got my own issues that I’m working through). Any ideas? Thoughts? Suggestions on how I can help the situation or what I should consider doing? I’m at my wits end with his depending on his mother and her depending on him. Where do I fit in to this this ?
#50 BH
I feel your pain. Your wife is neglecting you emotionally and trivialising your relationship. Dismissing your concerns and your feelings in nothing short of emotional abuse. You sound like a very understanding patient man and your wife is taking you for granted. I know you love her but honestly, how do you think she feels about you ? Obviously she is very concerned for her son, he sounds like he has some major problems but does she realised that she is more the cause rather than the solution ? And what about your needs ? If counselling isn’t improving the solution, get a better counsellor or start to visualise your future. I was in the same situation except it was father daughter enmeshment. She is 34 years old. I devoted 5 years to it. In my case, it got worse. Does not improve with age unfortunately. The enmeshment he has with his mother will guarantee he never finds a suitable loving partner of his own. More disturbing, he won’t want a girlfriend, preferring his mother. My question to you is, what do you want your life to be like ? A loving wife that is hurt that her husband is suffering rather than dismissing your pain and concerns and calling you names ? Is that love ? Only you can decide that. If the situation doesn’t change, ie. Your needs as a man and a husband is ignored and neglected, then you have some serious decisions to make. You sound like a nice caring man at his wits end. Make sure you find your happy. With or without her.
This was a great read. My husband and MIL both need therapy for this type of abuse that has been going on.
The destruction this also causes in marriage by a Mother & Daughter. Gets between Daughter & her husband. Reading this article sent shivers across my body. I’ve searched hundreds upon hundreds of blogs for an answer & for closure. Never knew what Narcissism was until I started to Google “WHY??” The majority is what I going through usually it’s the Man that is being emotionally abusive & his Mother backing him up manipulating on the sidelines. Near impossible for a Man to find & be able to relate to Others. #38 & #39 is reason I had to give comment. I’m nearing finalization of divorce. I been married for 16yrs & whenever my Mother’N law had an issue because she didn’t get her way she would actually tell everyone she is disappearing to see who would run to her aid. Playing victim card my wife would run to her aid. Sucking my Wife’s emotional needs dry never giving back. Leaving me to fill her back up. One by one My wife’s 3 brothers have been dropped from the family. One happened before I knew my wife. The other two right after my Wife filed for divorce. I always said Our Family’s struggle is Not about picking a side, it’s about guiding. Yet Everyone was demanded to picl. All would Only hear Mother’N Law’s side. I never have gossiped or talked down about my wife. My private ways always known, when it comes to Family was used against me. Kept from the real truth. Either way I stood loyal by my wife’s side. Been devoted to her our entire marriage. Even after when my Wife couldn’t understand why she wasn’t happy I stayed by her side. She Never showed vulnerability. Her behavior changed over night & like a switch she wouldn’t talk to anyone who wouldn’t justify her behavior. Her own Mother told her what she was doing to Kids & I was wrong. I begged my wife’s mother for guidance & to guide my wife so she could open up & find out real issues from past. I was told by my Mother’ N Law she was not in control & she lost her best friend & wanted me to kick her to the curb but I would not. That is not the answer. I forgave her when I found out about affair & proved it by my actions. In One week’s time my wife talked (who knows what) to her Mom, without warning, I was dropped from my Wife’s Family. 16yrs of my Real Love was replaced by her Affaired, Also Married Partner. Being told I would always be their Son no matter my wife’s feelings because I was a Good Husband & Father yet in Secret I was being manipulated by Wolves. (Shutter) Casted away because I saw the Truth under the mask. Still to this Day I never blamed even after I realized everything that was mirrored & projected onto me so Everyone would believe I was responsible for her unhappiness. The Truth WILL come out in end. The Past WON’T be re-written. My wife told me countless times before our 1st Court Date she was afraid I would take our 2 kids away from her because of what she did to me. I told her Never. Believing what she told me & finally accepting I had to let her go I realized only few Days before 1st Court hearing I was going to have Everything I Love & built viscously ripped from my life. Mother’n Law would rather enable her own daughter’s affair & destructive behavior, tearing apart my family, leaving me with Nothing. Kid’s taken away from me including material possessions. WHY?? Justifying her own daughter’s behavior & choices then Justifies her Past choices. Even if it was over 20yrs ago. I begged her to use her mistakes to guide her daughter to not go down same Road. I gave compassion & empathy. Still Today my compassion is looked upon as weakness. Mother & Daughter need to destroy my life & take kids away for false Outward appearance. I already see affects with both of my little kid’s & I’m doing my best to Not allow this Manipulation to be passed on to the next generation onto my kid’s to be passed to next generation. P.S. Still fighting for Equal Parental Share.
The article was a blessing to read yet at the same time heart wrenching. The 50-Something man I love and was engaged to has this unhealthy attachment style with his 74-year old mother who is unmarried. His mother abandoned he and his sisters when he was a little boy. They were reunited when he was in the latter part of high school. He says his greatest fear is of her dying. They have lived together or next door to one another for most of his adult life. She would often comment on how special he is, how very close they are and how he tells her “everything.”
She called him “babe and baby” and comments on how very handsome he is. This unhealthy selfish woman told me she would never let him go. She told him how he should wear his hair and how it should be colored??? Told him he should not sell his car because he “looks so good in it.” And for years of his adult life she enabled him and chained him to her by providing him with her opiate pain medication of which they kept as their ugly secret until the symptoms of addiction could not be hidden and he was literally physically and spiritually dying. I found the medication and confronted them both. Neither told the truth so I cancelled our wedding and left. He has since told the truth, moved away from his sick mother and entered recovery. But, after years of opiate use, her control and manipulation he struggles to make healthy decisions for himself. For the past year we have been (I thought) working to restore our relationship and to restore trust. Recently it came to light that his mother was continuing to enable and keep him chained to her in through financial manipulation. I have been devastated that he has again kept an unhealthy alliance with her that has again broken my trust. I fell in love with a man who is trying to separate from his mother and to find his way in the world. She has wounded him to his core with her selfishness.
My former fiancé was raised by his father whom recently passed away. Most sadly, his mother separated the father and son with her manipulation, jealousy and lies. I refuse to enable him and I pray he finds his way to the peace, love and joy he so desires.
I am the mother of an adult married son who is independent, confident and connected to his lovely sweet wife! What a joy to see your adult children enjoying the blessings of life and love ?
Excuse the typos and ? at the end… Typed this from my phone’s small screen!
Just wanted to ask does enmeshment ever go or can it be treated?
Can enmeshment be treated?
Hi Ashley,
I have been married 2 years and 3 months. I have been in personal counseling for 3 years. My husband has a trauma bond with his mother (that is what my counselor calls it). It has led to the relationship above. Our marriage is struggling because of the relationship he has with his mother and also younger siblings. He is the oldest and helped parent his youngest 2 siblings. Is there something you would suggest for the wife in this situation. A way to find healing in the midst of turmoil? I have a wonderful church and amazing counselor but most days the hurt seems overwhelming. I feel like I am grieving the loss of my marriage even though I am married.
Thank you for this article. My husband and I are having this problem with his mother and we both feel she is acting like a scorned ex instead of a mother since my husband had to pull away from her. Her taking over our home although she has her own with her husband, making remarks to me behind his back then denying it, having him redo everything I did in our home to suit her almost destroyed our relationship. After a 2 week separation and his mother admitting she doesn’t love her husband and is with him for support only, that no other woman is good enough for her son except her, my husband’s eyes were opened to what she had been doing to me and our relatonship. When he put his foot down and brought me back home she retaliated against both of us and we’ve had to cut ties with her. She is still spreading false rumors about me in our community to make other neighbors dislike me and sends hateful texts to my husband on ocassion. It’s like dealing with a child in middle school who didn’t get the boy she wanted as a boyfriend. I can’t believe we are going through this, we are in our late 40’s/50 years old, she is almost 70.
My heart breaks for my husband who truly loves his mother but her actions and continued hatred have completely halted them from having any contact or relationship at all.
Thank you again, for so long this has torn me up not understanding why she acted jealous and felt she needed to compete with me and destroy our relationship.
Cheryl C.
Thank you for this amazing article. I’m not married, but I am dating someone who’s a huge mama’s boy. The only difference is that while this article is calling out the parents for this behavior, but in his case he’s a complicit partner in that relationship. His father left home when he was 8 and they got divorced, since then him and his mom were very close. Since he’s a teenager, he took on the “pseudo husband” role, not because she expected him to, but also because he took on that responsible on his own.
It’s almost like he likes being the white knight because it helps him feel like he’s being proactive about the gap his dad left, decades after the fact. Therefore, he’s complicit in encouraging this behavior because it helps him feel less helpless, in a way.
In this case, where you can’t blame all on the mother, but the son is also instinctively acting as the “pseudo husband”, what can I do as his partner? We’re not married, but I want to know what are the alternatives before consider quitting the relationship.
Thank you for your help.
Great insight, but here is a new twist if you still read the posts…
Our mom just passed away this December 93 years young. My brother has been attached to her forever (he is now 57) he refers to her as the time they had together and on and on like they were married. Granted he never married and he lived with mom for the last 20 years before and after our father died.
Just hard to understand as I have a husband, 3 children all married with many grandchildren.
Help if you can or give some insight into helping us help him through this time!
this is a great article and very refreshing.
Can enmeshment stem when one parent is an alcoholic and the non-alcoholic parent develops emotional dependency on the child as a way of coping with their alcoholic spouse/marriage?
I don’t agree with your article whatsoever.
I don’t think it’s according to Christian values in teaching I think this is just an excuse to blame the mother for being a wonderful mother and caring about her son and probably a daughter-in-law that doesn’t like mother-in-law!!
I think it’s hurtful to use this against a loving mother!!
Using the Bible to put in your article ,
I think was the icing on the cake for me! There’s so many wonderful mothers out there and ungrateful sons and daughters that really need to grow up and these kinds of articles just incite more disrespect!!!
Enmeshment is common in dysfunctional families and it is different from a healthy parent-child relationship. This is a well documented dynamic. Further reading includes information. On the peacemaker/marital child.
Enmeshment is common in dysfunctional families and it is different from a healthy parent child relationship. This is a well documented dynamic. Further reading includes information. On the peacemaker or marital child.
Great article. I suspect a few ‘parents’ and I use that term loosely will be reading this and be in denial of doing it.
Are you a therapist for couple?
[…] Helpful Articles with more on this subject matter: https://foundationrestoration.org/2013/02/the-ove… […]
Thank you for this article. I recently filed for divorce due to my husband’s addiction, lies, and emotional abuse. He has been insisting that he wants to work on things and “win me back” but continues to turn to his daughters for connection and relationship while avoiding connection and intimacy with me. When I’ve pointed this out he says things like, “well they don’t give me a hard time” and “everyone loves their kids more than their spouse”. This article helps to validate my decision to divorce. So sad that he is also hurting his children.
I am married to a man who is more of a husband to his mother and a father to his sisters. He never leaved and cleaved from his family and it has destroyed our marriage. I have set boundaries, but still get the silent treatment when I enforce them. I let these people nearly ruin my mental health for years until I got wise to what was happening. I am warning my sons about people like this and I, myself, am careful with boundaries around my sons. I wish I had this information before I married, I would have saved myself a lot of pain and heartache, but it has brought me to a deeper relationship with God. With my wisdom gained through these struggles, I can help others avoid toxic relationships.
Very insightful article. My marriage of 18 years ended due to my ex-husband’s enmeshment with my ex-MIL and ex-SILs let alone extended family of Origen. I have 3 beautiful young adult kids I wanted protected from this enmeshment. Do you have workshops/ therapy for ex-spouses of MEMs (Mother Enmeshed Men) and next Gen kids. Very unhealthy toxic family. A therapist once called it my ex-husband’s “cultural norm”. It destroyed my family which I grieve after divorce 10 years ago.
Let me know if any help to process this loss!
Thanks for the article. Would the advice be similar for my adult wife whose widower father basically has substituted her for his deceased wife (she’s on the phone with him all the time, she just happens to visit him for hours almost any time she has to run an errand, even if she’s going to see him the next day for dinner; wants to take him on all of our vacations, even Hawaii [!]). I try to talk to her about it but since she’s in it–and likes relieving his loneliness (even though I’m lonely)–she dismisses what I say, gets angry, sulks in our room, turns it around on me, says “that’s how my family always was,” etc. She doesn’t seem to want to stop and put our marriage/her husband first.
Thanks for the article. Would the advice be similar for my adult wife whose widower father basically has substituted her for his deceased wife (she’s on the phone with him all the time, she just happens to visit him for hours almost any time she has to run an errand, even if she’s going to see him the next day for dinner; wants to take him on all of our vacations, even Hawaii [!]). I try to talk to her about it but since she’s in it–and likes relieving his loneliness (even though I’m lonely)–she dismisses what I say, gets angry, sulks in our room, turns it around on me, says “that’s how my family always was,” etc. She doesn’t seem to want to stop and put our marriage/her husband first.