By Ashley McIlwain
Men like to fix things. Even the not-so-handy guys still like to fix things. It’s just a guy thing.
If you’ve ever had a conversation with a man, then you know what I’m talking about. You pour out your heart to him, and he proceeds to go into mechanic mode. The sleeves get rolled up, the hood gets popped, and bing, bang, boom, he is turning, tweaking, and turning things upside down. All you were asking for is a tissue, and you’ve wound up with an oil change.
Guys, we know you mean well, and in fact, your drive to fix problems is one of your great qualities. We appreciate your strength and logic. However, when it comes to communicating with your wife, put away the tool box and just tune in. That’s right; we just want you to listen.
I can’t tell you how many times I have sat there with my husband, tears rolling down my cheeks, red eyes and nose sniffling, crying about something going on with me. Rightfully so, my husband, Steve, thinks that I am in the middle of a major crisis. If I weren’t, why would I be so emotional about it? As I ramble on telling him all the ins and outs of how I’m feeling about this particular situation, I can see him wheels turning. I can see the borderline panic on his face as he feels like I am revealing World War 3 is on the horizon, and he needs to prevent it from happening. Pretty soon he dives in to fix the problem.
The advice, solutions, and logical reasoning all enter the picture. “Well, did you try this?” “Maybe if you did this.” “Have you considered that?” Like a seasoned janitor, he begins to try and clean up the mess I just laid out before him. And while I love him for that and often do need his prescribed advice, that’s not what I’m usually looking for in those moments of emotional “despair.”
All I want is for him to look me in the eyes and hear me out. I want him to listen intently and care sincerely. I want him to just be with me in that moment. Maybe he doesn’t understand why I’m so upset or even what the problem is, but I desperately need to feel like he cares and gets it. Like he is hearing what I’m saying and just wants to be there for me. Usually I will spill my guts, and that’s it. I feel better. In fact, my world wasn’t ending nor was WWIII drawing nigh. I just was feeling overwhelmed, confused, sad, hurt, or some other emotion, and needed an attentive husband who cared.
Guys, I know you are scratching your heads right now. Why on earth would we present a problem to you that we didn’t want fixed? Right? What good does it do to just talk about all of this stuff if we’re not trying to find a solution? Those are valid questions, but keep in mind, you are the logical gender, not us females. We thrive off of just being listened to and cared about. We know that in the end things will work out, be fine, and get solved. After our emotional episode, we will experience a release that allows us to then clearly see the situation for what it is and work toward a resolution. For now, we just want to let it all out.
So, what can you do? Listen. Not halfheartedly, with that stupefied or shell-shocked look on your face, nor with an arsenal of solutions formulating in your mind. We know when you are truly present, so there’s no fooling us. We simply want and need you to just sit there, listen, and care. Once we’ve said all that we needed to and cried the last tear, we will feel better … problem solved or not.
There may be times where will then ask you to weigh in, but we may not. Most likely if we don’t ask, it’s because we don’t want to fix it just yet. If we do want your advice though, we will ask for it. You’ll be prompted, and then you can gradually, carefully, and patiently go into some possible solutions you had in mind. Again though, most of the time, we don’t want Mr. Fix It, we just want our loving husband fully present, listening, and engaged.
I will say, a nice touch is when my husband reaches over and pulls me into a big bear hug. This communicates that he was listening, cares, and is there for me, which means the world to us ladies. You don’t need to put so much pressure on yourself to sort everything out, have all the answers, or to fix our situation. So, keep that “S” on your chest under wraps for now, and just show up to the conversation. Be there for your wife in a tender, loving, and empathetic way. Clear your mind and tune into your wife like she is the championship game of the century.
That’s really all we want and need from you – a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, and a warm, loving embrace. To sum it up … we just need YOU!
Copyright © 2012, Foundation Restoration. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. No reproduction allowed without written permission from Foundation Restoration and/or the author.
I have a confession. Sometimes I do want my husband to fix it! I’m an action oriented kind of girl & I want any issues or problems my family & I face to be expeditiously resolved. But my wise sweet husband will listen, pray & wait & see what God says first. We may not fit the stereotype but we fit each other. When a husband listens to his wife, prays & waits on God, both he and his family will be blessed.
Stacey, thanks for sharing! There are times where, I too, want my husband to help me fix things, but first and foremost, I want him to listen to me. Usually I will then ask him for his help if that’s what I am looking for. I love how your husband listens, prays, and waits on the Lord! That’s a wonderful example of God-given leadership, and I really like that. My husband is pretty good about that too, and I always appreciate his patience, wisdom, and relationship with Christ. Thanks for sharing Stacey!