By Coleen York

How can being overly nice ever be a bad thing? I mean honestly … shouldn’t we ALWAYS be doting on our significant others and spouses?

Well, that all depends.

Often times what prompts us to be kind and go above and beyond is not unadulterated love and passion, though you may not be aware of it yourself. There are many other factors that can motivate us, even if unintentionally.

Although doing something nice in hopes of earning points or a “get out of jail free” card later can be one reason we go out of our way for others, I don’t think it’s the biggest culprit.  However, we should always be aware that giving, whether it be time, money, or acts of service, is no longer an act of generosity if we expect a kickback later.

Sadly, one of the greatest motivation factors can be our own insecurity. When we are feeling insecure in our relationships, or even just about ourselves, it can sometimes trigger us to try to be the most amazing spouse ever. Not because we want to make THEM to feel good, but be because WE want to feel good.

Our need to stifle our insecurities can lead to overcompensation (and at times even smothering) … Especially if you feel like your significant other has been inattentive or distracted.

There is nothing wrong with going above and beyond for one another. In fact we are called to love as Jesus loved. The problem begins when we allow our motivation for kindness to be about ourselves and not about others. Most of the time people can spot a phony, especially if it’s someone you spend a lot of time with.  Your spouse will be able to tell when you’re being genuine and when you just need to be told you’re the best … even if you can’t.

We all need to be praised sometimes, but be honest with how you’re feeling, both with yourself and your counterpart. Don’t try to coerce approval and fulfillment out of others through fake compliments and excessive grand behaviors.

Saying “you have a nice smile” doesn’t mean nearly as much if you follow it up with, “do I have a nice smile too?”  Be selfless with your giving. When you need words of affirmation tell your significant other instead of using manipulation to get it.

As usual, communication is the key to a thriving relationship. Be honest when you are feeling insecure; do not hide it by trying to intensify who you really are by overcompensating.

Jesus gave of Himself unto the point of death. He loved us FIRST, so that we would love in return. It works the same way in relationships (1 Jn 4:19). Give of yourself first, and the rest shall follow. Do not seek your ultimate security through what others say, even if it is your spouse. Our identities must not falter with a current influx or drought of compliments. Following Christ means that we trust Him with our relationships and our identities, regardless of our current feelings and insecurities. Security in relationship and in mind comes from Him.

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