By Ashley McIlwain
For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. –Ephesians 5:31
One of the most important roles a man can hold is that of being a husband. Leader, lover, protector, and provider. A husband has an incredible opportunity to step us as the head of his house, unified and equal with his wife, and lead them both in the right direction.
From the beginning of mankind God knew that men and women needed one another. Genesis 2:18 says, “The Lord God said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.’” God knew that man could not thrive, flourish, or reproduce on his own; he needed a helper to do life with. Woman was handcrafted to be a partner and helpmate to man. It was a perfect, complimentary design.
When I think of this passage and God’s design for marriage, I think of the companionship meant to come from the partnership. My husband often tells me how much he loves life with me. It makes me feel so special to know that I have enhanced his life and vice versa. He consistently tells me what a joy it is to be my husband, doing life together as friends, lovers, and companions. It makes me feel cherished and honored to be his wife.
What I’ve realized from my husband, Steve, is that he has a heart for being a husband. He appreciates, values, and considers the significance of this role. It’s not some random, meaningless title he’s acquired but rather a position of honor that he’s chosen to fulfill. He lives and acts in accordance with the magnitude and importance of his title and position.
And as a wife, that makes me want to follow him wherever he leads. I trust his judgment, leadership, and character. I know that he is a man after the heart of God, and no matter what, he is looking out for me and us … not just him. He loves, leads, and cherishes, not only me as his wife, but our marriage and his responsibility as a husband.
Lead
For the husband is the head of a wife as Christ is the head of the church, His body, of which He is the Savior. –Ephesians 5:23
Leadership as a husband doesn’t come in the form of dictatorship. Husbands are not the owners of their spouse where they boss them around or walk about with an air of superiority. Being the leader of your home actually comes in the form of serving.
In Every Man’s Marriage by Stephen Arterburn and Fred Stoeker, they describe servant leadership as:
Serving isn’t something we do – it’s something we are. We can just act like a servant from time to time, whenever it happens to suit our purposes. Rather, we need to become a servant –our minds transformed to think like one, and our hearts transformed to submit like one, all of the time.
This may seem backwards – being a leader by serving?! But that’s God’s design for leadership. In serving the interests of his wife and home, a husband is leading in the best kind of way –with love and by example. Anyone can boss someone around, but it takes a real, confident yet humble, and strong man to thoughtfully and deliberately seek out the best interest of his wife and children. This humble and gracious servant’s heart elevates the husband in the hearts and minds of his family.
A woman wants to support, follow, and submit to a husband who takes his leadership as a means of protecting, guiding, and serving the needs of others. Every great leader in the history of mankind was in step with the heartbeat of those he/she led. The same is true for a husband. The goal isn’t to drag your spouse along placing selfish demands on her, nor is it to cower in the corner allowing her to dominate, but rather to graciously, consciously, and courageously protect and serve the best interests of your wife and marriage.
Love
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her. –Ephesians 5:25
Husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. –Ephesians 5:28
God gave men the key to a successful marriage – love your wives. From the time we are little girls, we yearn for that love. We want to be adored, pursued, and feel like the most beautiful, desired woman in the world. We want to know that we were chosen by the men in our lives.
Most men are pretty decent at displaying love when dating, but after the wedding day, they tend to think their work is done. They got the girl, and they are good to go. In fact studies show that the relational satisfaction increases for men after the wedding day but takes a significant dip for most women. A strong explanation for this is that women often report they feel their husbands put forth less effort after the big day. The truth is, for men and women, the real work has just begun. As a husband, you must continue to pursue the heart of your wife.
This isn’t always natural for men to do, but loving your wife is a choice and an action. It’s not a feeling, and it’s not based on a feeling. God commanded husbands to love their wives. What does that mean? Well, in reference to husbands loving their wives, Ephesians 5:29 says, “no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it.” Care for your wife. Show her you love her through romance, acts of service, thoughtfulness, and kindness. Tell her you love her, admire her beauty, and “rejoice in the wife of your youth” (Proverbs 5:18).
Men, your wife has given you her heart, and you have such a unique opportunity to protect and care for it. Truly she is like a flower that blossoms under your love and care. Don’t miss out on that opportunity and blessing. You chose to be with your wife for a lifetime, so use that lifetime to show her why. Love isn’t earned; it’s given. Regardless of whether or not she earns or deserves it, as a husband, you are to love your wife. You will never regret doing so.
Cherish
The man said, “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called woman, for she was taken out of man.” –Genesis 2:23
Have you ever known (or been) a man who owned a vintage car? The amount of time, attention, and care that is poured into maintaining and protecting that car demonstrates just how much its owner cherishes it. The same is true of your wife.
You can’t expect to have a cheerful, thoughtful wife who is joyful, loving, and eager to meet your needs if you don’t cherish her. A woman knows when you cherish her because you put in the time, attention, and care she yearns for. It means you work hard to demonstrate your love and appreciation to her, and you do it with a joyful attitude.
Many times people take their spouse for granted. It’s easy to grow complacent forgetting to show gratitude and make the effort to convey your admiration for your spouse. As a wife, I take my title seriously and pour my heart, body, and soul into being the best wife I can be to Steve. There’s a lot I do that he will never even know that I do, but what spurs me on is that Steve takes the time to express his gratitude and pour his time, energy, and love back into me. I feel cherished, and it makes all the difference in the world.
He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord. –Proverbs 18:22
Men, I cannot emphasize enough how vital of a role you play in the life of your wife. You truly hold the key to her heart. You are the apple of her eye, and the motivation behind so much of what she does. You have the ability to love and care for her in a way that brings out the best in her.
The world tells us macho means insensitivity and being a “meathead.” That’s baloney. There is nothing more masculine, appealing, and attractive than a man who is full of integrity, character, and wisdom. A man who nurtures, adores, loves, leads, and cherishes his wife. That is a man of value that commands respect, honor, and love.
Copyright © 2012, Foundation Restoration. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. No reproduction allowed without written permission from Foundation Restoration and/or the author.
“… continue to pursue the heart of your wife.” This is where one of the challenges lay, for once the marriage “becomes official,” some guys wear the ring, but not the love. I don’t know how else to explain that, except for the “falling in love” analogy. I prefer to say we “built” the love, because as that ring symbolizes a never ending circle, so should be this continuous building of love. Sure the ring is more outward than the “love,” but when the husband continues building this love, it’s more evident than a piece of metal on the ring finger.
Reggie, that is something I hear a lot of guys say they struggle with. It’s challenging and takes a lot of effort. I love your outlook though and analogy of “building” love, not just “falling in love.” That’s a great point, as is the continuous “ring” of building. Great points! I’m so glad you shared; thank you!