By Ashley McIlwain

What does it mean to be “forward thinking?” Many of us think of it in terms of progressive thoughts and ideas. Perhaps establishing a new and brilliant way of conceptualizing and understanding life. Someone who is forward thinking is ahead of the ballgame in their thoughts, plans, and actions. They’re always one step ahead of everyone else.

This might be what comes to mind for us when we hear “forward thinking,” but that’s now the context I’m talking about. What I want to talk about is thinking beyond the here and now specifically as it relates to marriage.

One of the challenges we face as a society is cultivating patience and prudence. That’s because if we want something, for the most part, we can get it. Between drive-thrus, microwaves, and instant mashed potatoes, there’s very little we have to wait for. Even when it comes to buying something, we just put it on the credit card or take out a loan. Marketing campaigns convince us that we need their products, and we need it now. We shouldn’t deny ourselves because if we want it, deserve it, and it makes us happy, then it should be ours.

Unfortunately, this mentality has permeated every area of our lives. Like an epidemic, we’ve all become instant gratification monsters that can’t stand to wait for anything let alone work hard for something. And this is where we’re running into trouble with our marriages.

Marriages are as far from instantaneous as it gets. It’s a lifelong process that takes our best efforts each and every day to foster a healthy, fruitful relationship. That’s why we can’t allow ourselves to get caught up in being short-sighted but rather long-sighted.

There are times in marriage where you don’t feel like making the effort. Sometimes you don’t want to say sorry or be gracious. You might be too tired to show love and affection. Being a shoulder to cry on or a listening ear may be the last thing you want to do. Being thoughtful, considerate, or romantic could be the furthest things from your mind.

I get that, but we can’t be so concerned with the here and now of our emotional state that we neglect to consider the long term ramifications. That’s what gets many couples into trouble. Trust me, I understand the pull to act on my current state of mind and emotions, but we have to resist that tendency. Otherwise we end up in some messy situations that we almost always regret.

As a young lady growing up, I dealt with the hormonal drama that most maturing women contend with. Sometimes I would snap at my parents or sisters. My mom would ask me, “Why are you treating us this way?” Usually there would be an ensuing excuse from me like, “Because I don’t feel well,” or, “I had a bad day.” And my mom would graciously tell me that no matter what I’m feeling or experiencing, it’s not an excuse or warrant to mistreat others.

My mother’s wisdom has stuck with me to this day. During moments of sickness, exhaustion, or frustration, I can hear her voice resounding in the back of my head to be considerate. I’m thankful for that because it takes me out of my emotional muck and gets me forward thinking. It’s not just about me and my present condition but rather that lasting effect of what I do in those crucial moments.

All of us have fallen victim to a knee-jerk reaction that left its lasting impression on us. Perhaps ours spouse, in an emotional rage, listed off a hundred things they didn’t like about us. Or maybe we were the offender. The pain and sting of those words most likely never left you or your spouse. Of course when he/she calmed down, we may have gotten a heartfelt apology, but like a gaping wound, we were still left agonizing over the damage done.

We can’t take back things said and done in rash, emotional moments. More times than not, they have lasting, devastating effects that can’t magically be undone, which is why it’s best just to not allow ourselves to go there. It’s that forward thinking … how is this going to affect the long run of my relationship with my spouse?

Sometimes people go through a rough patch in their marriage. It may last weeks, months, or even years, and so they recklessly act on their emotions. “This marriage is worthless; I deserve to be happy. I’ve tried, and I’m moving on.” While you may feel like you’ve suffered long enough, even five years is a drop in the bucket compared to the fifty years of joyous memories you could have. Like an investment, there are ups and downs in a marriage, but the lifetime of the marriage is an overall “profit.”

Obviously it’s easier said than done, but we can’t be so narrow-minded as to make major decisions based on fleeting, short-term conditions. Your marriage is worth more than that! You have to focus on and think about all the wonderful moments before and the fulfilling moments to come.

If you focus on the enduring implications of your immediate whims, I guarantee your outlook, attitude, and behaviors will change. It gives you perspective and wisdom. Proverbs 4:25 says, “Look straight ahead, and fix your eyes on what lies before you.” Narrowing your focus to the instant and immediate often leads to stumbling. Look up, be forward thinking, and consider the lifetime and long term, it will lead to wisdom and discretion.

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