By Ashley McIlwain
Foreword: A Letter to Newlyweds was inspired by my sister’s recent marriage. As I began thinking about the things I wanted to say to her and her husband about marriage, I found myself frantically writing. Nowadays marriage seems to be entered into lightly, ignorantly, and with little preparation, and as a result, we are seeing devastating effects. While it’s impossible to share all of my thoughts, prayers, and aspirations regarding marriage, I took the time to pen what I could in hopes that it would help my sister and her husband on this amazing and blessed journey of marriage. Written from my heart, I have decided to share this special letter with all of you in hopes that it would encourage, inspire, and light a fire within each of you to fulfill the full potential of your marriage.
Satan hates marriage because he knows what a blessing it is and how powerfully God can use it to further His kingdom. Beware that Satan is working double time behind the scenes to kill, steal, and destroy your marriage (John 10:10). He will try to create confusion, division, and disillusionment. He will use anyone and everyone. He will try the front door, back door, and side door. He will do everything he can to tear the two of you apart, so be on guard, and don’t give him a foothold (Ephesians 4:27)! Hold steadily to God knowing that He is greater than any weapon formed against you (1 John 4:4, Isaiah 54:17).
It’s easy to let life pull you in a thousand directions. There’s always someone and something that needs to be taken care of, but the one person that shouldn’t fall to the back burner is your spouse. God has entrusted him/her in your care, so make sure you are truly caring for them. Your marriage simply cannot stand the test of time if you are neglecting it. You have to invest in it if you want it to be the best.
Aside from God, there’s only room for two in your marriage. Don’t allow anyone to come between the two of you. Surround yourselves with individuals who surround you. Meaning, you want to be around people who edify and encourage your marriage – not you, but your marriage. Time and time again marriages fall apart because one or both spouses allow negative influences to enter their inner circle. Your friends and family that comprise your inner circle, the people that you spend your time with and allow to speak into your life, should always be looking out for what’s best for you as a couple. If they aren’t, then limit their influence in your life. You need people who encourage your marriage and hold you accountable to your responsibilities as a husband or wife.
Remember that if put in the position to choose between your spouse and anyone else, there really is only one choice – your spouse. The Bible says to leave and cleave (Matthew 19:5). That means you leave behind your old life. Not that you lose your identity but just that you redefine and update it. Your primary role is no long a brother, sister, son, or daughter; you are now to cleave to your role as a husband or wife. Sometimes this is difficult to do as it’s so natural to fall in step with being a daughter or son first, but in the process you hurt your spouse and your marriage. Even when it comes to family, you need to always choose your spouse above all. Caring for, loving, and respecting your spouse are now your primary objectives, and that’s where your loyalty and responsibility must lie.
Safeguard your marriage. Work hard to keep your thoughts, words, and actions all in line with God’s word, and in the process you will be protecting yourself, your spouse, and your marriage. Satan is clever and disguises his traps to look harmless, but they are anything but harmless. Don’t give him a foothold, or he will come in like a roaring lion (1 Peter 5:8). There is no sin that is worth the price you will pay for it. Be on guard, take preventative measures, and pray for God’s wisdom and discretion each and every day.
Don’t expect your spouse to fulfill the role of God. Oftentimes we expect our spouse to make us feel valued, loved, and complete. While our spouse certainly is a source of great joy, encouragement, and love, we must find our true identity, purpose, and fulfillment in Christ alone. Once we have that strong understanding and truth in our heart, then we don’t chase after the emotional highs and lows that come with seeking things in this world to fulfill us in a way they never can. Love yourself, and then you can love others.
To read A Letter to Newlyweds: The Purpose of Marriage, click here.
To read A Letter to Newlyweds: Setting Yourselves Up for Success, click here.
Copyright © 2011, Foundation Restoration. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. No reproduction allowed without written permission from Foundation Restoration and/or the author.
Hey. My name is Robyn. I’m a newlywed, of three months, and I’m expecting my first child in July. I have been a Christian my entire life, and know exactly what it means to trust in God in all things. However, since my wedding… I’ve been struggling. With anxiety, doubt, oppression. It’s crazy, because I really do love my husband and he is so good to me. He loves me very much. He is a new Christian, so he is still learning some things. I am so blessed but I can’t seem to shake the attacks off my mind— “You don’t love your husband.” “Your marriage is gonna end in divorce.” “you will never come out of this bondage.” Now I know these are all things that come from the enemy. I had a rough child hood, and a lot of it stems from that. But seriously, I want nothing more than to enjoy my marriage and be fulfilled and happy and not let the enemy torment me anymore. There have been many amazing prophetic words over our marriage so it’s just so horrible and strange to me that I am having these problems. Please pray for me, and give me any advice. Also… I’m 22 and I’ve moved to a different state and away from my family that raised me so it’s different. I’m a firm believer in the covenant of marriage, but it seems that the enemy will just not leave me alone and sometimes I just wanna give up do he will leave me alone. But I really don’t want to give up. I can’t even tell you one thing that’s wrong with my marriage. Also, I’ve heard of pre nuptial depression, but I don’t know. I’m expecting a baby in July so I’m also really emotional… Lol. Any advice?
Robyn, thanks for taking the time to share your story and heart. It sounds like you are really going through a difficult time right now, and my heart aches for you. At the same time, it sounds like you have a good foundation for combating the struggles you are facing. There are obviously several factors in play here including your childhood, spiritual warfare, being a newlywed, pregnancy, and living away from your family. That’s a lot to deal with! My advice to get you started would be to make sure you are filling your mind and heart with God’s word. This is something I’ve found to be invaluable in defeating Satan’s mind games. Find verses that speak truth to the lies floating in your mind, and have those verses easily accessible for when those attacks come. Secondly, I would encourage you to find Christian literature to read that might help you with your specific concerns. One book I would recommend based on what you shared is Joyce Meyer’s book Battlefield of the Mind. Finally, if at all possible, I would recommend you trying to find a Christian professional who could help you talk through and deal with some of this stuff. As I said before, you have a lot of big changes going on, and it could really help to have a professional guide you through these transitions. Your church (or a local church) is usually a good starting point for finding someone to help you. Be patient with yourself, continue to pray to Jesus for help in your times of need, and fill your home, heart, mind, and marriage with God’s Word. I can assure you that I will be praying for you!!
Well, I’ve been doing better. I think it’s just a lot to do with these hue transitions in my life! And the enemy knows what kind of things my husband and I can do for the kingdom so he’s trying to destroy it before it happens. I love my husband dearly… I really do. That’s why I don’t get why I’m having these problems with anxiety and mind games. Weird that you said battle of the mind by Joyce Meyer! My grandmother sent that book to me already. I read it all in one morning awhile back. Might as well read it again. We have a church we go to on a regular basis. We love it. I read the word and pray every single day.
Also, as a newlywed… Is it norm to go through things like this? Adjusting, transition, etc. I’ve heard it is very normal.
Robyn, I’m thrilled to hear you are doing better! I can assure you that you have been in my prayers! It’s definitely normal to go through some of these struggles when undergoing such huge transitions. Definitely extend yourself some grace, and then get back on the horse and fight the good fight. You are so right on – God created marriages as a powerful means of furthering His kingdom, so Satan is constantly trying to destroy marriages. Keep reading God’s word and holding steadfast to your faith in God as well as your love for and commitment to your husband! I believe in you and am praying for you guys!