By Ashley McIlwain

Foreword: A Letter to Newlyweds was inspired by my sister’s recent marriage. As I began thinking about the things I wanted to say to her and her husband about marriage, I found myself frantically writing. Nowadays marriage seems to be entered into lightly, ignorantly, and with little preparation, and as a result, we are seeing devastating effects. While it’s impossible to share all of my thoughts, prayers, and aspirations regarding marriage, I took the time to pen what I could in hopes that it would help my sister and her husband on this amazing and blessed journey of marriage. Written from my heart, I have decided to share this special letter with all of you in hopes that it would encourage, inspire, and light a fire within each of you to fulfill the full potential of your marriage.

 

Always assume the best about your spouse and give them the benefit of the doubt. It’s easy to allow ourselves to assume the worst. Often times we create a scenario and reason for our spouse’s behavior and react without confirmation. Then we get upset when they do the same to us. Why? Because we assume the best about ourselves but the worst about others, and it’s a recipe for disaster and heartache in a marriage. Extend the same grace and way of thinking you allot yourself to your spouse. Be patient, loving, and exhibit self-control long enough to give your him/her a sincere opportunity to explain themselves. Don’t attack but rather listen earnestly and keep grace nearby. You love one another, and just like you don’t intend to hurt your spouse but occasionally do, they most likely feel the same way. Satan is amazing at creating confusion, so don’t allow him to go there; assume the best and create a loving, earnest opportunity for your spouse to communicate with you. Remember: “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires” (James 1:19-20). Proverbs 14:29 says, “A patient man has great understanding, but a quick-tempered man displays folly.”

In today’s society, everything is about “me, me, me.” How can that help me? How does that make me happy? What do I get out of it? This selfish mindset has no place in a marriage. If you want to make your marriage work, then you have to be other-oriented. It’s about adopting a servant’s heart toward your spouse and working to serve the needs of him/her. This doesn’t mean you become a human punching bag, but it does mean that your life is outward focused where you are striving to fulfill the needs of your spouse. You are putting their best interest above your own. When both people do this, you end up with a mutually fulfilling relationship that embodies the blueprint Christ gave us.

You are responsible for you. Marriage can’t function on the blame game. Pointing fingers is a waste of time and counterproductive. Instead of making your spouse out to be the culprit, ask yourself what your part is in the situation at hand. Even if your spouse is in the wrong 99.9% of the time, there is still .1% that is your part. Accepting personal responsibility not only helps a situation, but it alleviates a lot of the bitterness and frustration that so many couples experience during conflict. Every difficulty or dispute is an opportunity to learn and grow as an individual and a couple. Take responsibility for your portion no matter how big or small it is, and I guarantee it will put you on the road to intimacy and resolution.

Remember that the goal of disputes is not to win. When you have a winner’s mentality, the marriage loses. All conflicts are about resolution. It’s about developing an understanding of where your spouse is coming from while articulating your point of view. Collectively identify where the issue is and work together to come up with a solution that works for both of you. The problem isn’t your spouse; it’s an extraneous variable that needs to be identified and tackled together. Instead of butting heads, join them and come up with a resolution that satisfies the needs of each of you. When you handle problems in a constructive manner like this, you not only avoid creating a whole plethora of new problems left in the wake of a knock-down-drag-out-fight, but you build intimacy, love, and your conflict-resolution skills.

To read A Letter to Newlyweds: The Purpose of Marriage, click here.

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