By Steve McIlwain
Hubs here.
This article is not about fighting between spouses, well, I guess it kind of is. But more than that, it is about the things we fight for in life. What do we defend? Where do we devote our time? What do we fight for?
A fight is a battle or struggle. It is a bout that you try to win. We fight for things all the time. Maybe fight is too strong of a word in some cases, but a fight nonetheless. We fight for the things we believe in and the things we want. Some are more aggressive. Some are more passive. Some fight for a job. Some fight for family. Some fight for a house. Some fight for friends. Some fight for hobbies. Regardless, whether consciously or not, we all stand and fight for something.
What do you fight for? What is important to you? What are your deeply held beliefs and desires that you battle to defend? If you are married you’ve likely said the words, “…for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do us part;” a powerful assertion of a deeply held belief. Yet, do we really fight to make our marriages thrive under such rough conditions as worse, poorer, or sickness? When our lives are examined more closely, are we truly fighting to uphold this declaration?
I have seen countless instances (I’m sure you have too) where spouses fight for just about everything except for their marriage. Time and time again spouses turn into enemies and wage a brutal battle where nobody wins. Wives are accused of nagging. Husbands are accused of not caring. Frustration turns to insult turns to anger turns to bitterness turns to resentment, and before you know it, two love birds have transformed into marriage assassins.
It’s quite alright for spouses to fight. In fact, in a lot of ways it is encouraged. The question is whether that struggle is aimed at bettering the marriage or tearing it down. Constructive dialogue and heated debates (i.e. fights) are often necessary components of a healthy relationship. But are you and your spouse on the same team, fighting for the same goal? Do you work to make your spouse a priority? Are you striving to constructively push through difficult situations together? Or do you find yourself on the other end of the spectrum: sworn enemies on opposing sides of an irreconcilable feud?
The thing about irreconcilable feuds is that they’re usually not irreconcilable. They are difficult. They are extremely tough. The may seem impossible … but they’re not. All great things are worth battling for. The question remains, are you willing to fight to make your marriage work or have you given up?
Bridging the gap takes both sides fighting for each other and the relationship. Make your marriage the top thing you fight for. Change bad habits. Spend less time with your buddies. Spend less time shopping with the girls. Spend more time expressing love to your wife. Spend less time insulting your husband. See the good in your spouse. Do things with your spouse that they love. Spend less time focusing on your needs, and spend more time focusing on their needs. Adapt, change, and conform to become the loving husband/wife your spouse needs you to be. This is not to say that you should completely lose your own sense of self identity. But marriage is two individuals joining to become one; a brand new entity. To truly make that succeed and have your marriage thrive, you must be willing to compromise and fight for your marriage.
Your life will stand for something. Day in and day out you will fight for your desires. You will defend and uphold what you deem worthy. Your marriage is worthy. Fight passionately for your spouse. Struggle heroically for your marriage. Don’t ever give up on the most awe-inspiring battle you’ve ever waged, “till death do us part.”
Copyright © 2011, Foundation Restoration. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. No reproduction allowed without written permission from Foundation Restoration and/or the author.
Great article. I especially like the part where you say “spend less time insulting your husband.” Well put.
Peter Brady, thanks for taking the time to comment! Unfortunately so many women allow themselves to degrade their husbands rather than edify and affirm. As a wife, I know it can be frustrating and difficult to watch what we say, but I know that God’s Word tells us how important respect is to our husbands, so that’s the goal all women need to strive toward. Men on the other hand need to work on listening and loving their wives in a servant-leader way. Thanks again for sharing!
Anonymous, I too found Steve’s article to be a great reminder that marriage and love are about putting your spouse first. All relationships encounter struggles, but tackling those issues together rather than fighting each other is not only wise but a tremendous means for strengthening a marriage. Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
Great article, Steve! You’re right on! It is so easy to tear your spouse down. Society thrives on bad news, and getting even or the upper hand. It’s difficult to sacrifice and be selfless enough to always put your spouse first. It’s a great reminder and encouragement for me to focus on him and push through the controversies fairly between us. Thanks for the encouraging article!