By Ashley McIlwain
Our society is obsessed with the concept of happiness. We are motivated to make decisions based purely on having an emotional status of happy. People promote this message and encourage others to chase after the unrealistic and impossible expectation that life should always be filled with happiness, and if it isn’t then something is wrong.
The Problem
It’s not that being happy is a bad thing or a poor aspiration. It’s that we have become so consumed with it to the point that it has become our idol. We are making lifelong decisions based on this pursuit of happiness. What we are forgetting is that happiness is an emotion, and emotions are fleeting. Think about how many emotions you experience in one day alone. Emotions are affected by everything from the weather to how well we slept the night before. We can’t base our lives on something so fickle and temporary, especially when we are making decisions centered on these momentary sensations that can impact the rest of our lives in significant ways.
I’ve been especially distressed with this happiness-should-dictate-your-life mantra and how it’s impacting marriages. More and more I’m hearing phrases like:
“You don’t seem happy in your marriage.”
“You deserve to be happy.”
“If you aren’t happy, then you shouldn’t stay in this marriage. You deserve better than that.”
Granted, I understand that we all wish to be happy, but the lack of happiness is hardly grounds for a divorce. Since when did we become so selfish and self-seeking as to throw away something we vowed our commitment and lives to just because of a brief emotional high or low. Happiness certainly should not dictate whether or not someone leaves their marriage. Again, happiness is merely a feeling that comes and goes with each passing moment. It can’t be our compass for navigating through life, or we are going to end up way off the map entirely.
Joy versus Happiness
There is nothing and no one in this world that can achieve constant happiness. It simply doesn’t exist. That means there is no one and nothing that can make you happy all of the time. To expect that from anyone or anything is to be completely out of touch with reality.
Happiness is like a drug. You have a hit of it, and it feels great. Then it fades, and you find that you need another hit, so you try to find something else that will give you that same high. Only this time, it takes something a little more to achieve that same sensation. Pretty soon, you are a slave to this pursuit of a “happiness high.” It ends up stealing your joy and destroying those blessings you’ve been given but that you no longer notice or appreciate. You get caught up in chasing after something that doesn’t exist that you miss out on those things that do exist. It’s in insatiable desire that often leads to despair, isolation, and loneliness. It’s a dead-end.
I believe what we are truly craving and should be pursuing is joy. The difference between joy and happiness is one is an emotion while the other is a gift, an attitude. Joy isn’t some fabricated feeling we experience because we just bought a new toy or product that elicits a temporary (and often quickly fading) emotional high. Joy is much more substantial and stable than a feeling.
Joy is the result of a spirit of gratitude. Realizing all that we’ve been blessed with by God can’t help but fill us with joy. God is our joy (Psalm 43:4). It’s more than a brief tingly feeling that is gone as quickly as it arrived. It’s part of the character of Christ that Christians are to possess (Galatians 5:22). In Isaiah 55:12, the Lord declares, “You will go out in joy and be led forth in peace.” Joy is something that dwells in us. It gives us strength, hope, and courage. It’s realizing that we have been given the gift of salvation through Christ and finding our contentment and purpose in that. Everything else is an added bonus.
When we grasp the significance of our salvation, we can’t help but be fulfilled and joyful. We are no longer consumed with this frenzied and impossible quest for some short-lived happiness. Joy wells up deep within our souls as a result of our appreciation and gratitude for all that we’ve been given and blessed with – like our spouse.
The Real Pursuit
The realization that happiness is not the purpose of life – or marriage – gives a different approach to our pursuits. We don’t get married to be happy, although that’s a nice part that often accompanies it. In fact, I’ve yet to hear any vows that say, “Until happiness ends.” That’s ridiculous! Somehow though, there are hordes of people bailing on their marriages because they “aren’t happy.”
Get over your selfish self. Marriage is about a commitment. A commitment to love your spouse come hell or high water. It means cherishing them for all that they are and all that they try to be. It entails valuing and appreciating them for the person they are – the good, the bad, and the ugly. You chose this person to spend the rest of your life with, and that’s exactly what you vowed to do. So, suck it up and follow through with your word … with your covenant.
Marriage isn’t always going to be easy, fun, or fantastic. It may get downright painful and desperate. Guess what? Tough! You need to get tough, and do what you need to do. Love isn’t love until it’s tested. Real love is shown in those times where nothing in you feels like loving. Only then is love evident and found shining like a beacon of hope to you, your spouse, and your marriage. Anyone can love when it’s easy and they feel like it. What makes someone truly special and their marriage exceptional is the person who can love when it’s anything but easy.
We have to let go of this concept that life is about non-stop happiness. You are truly setting yourself up for the greatest unhappiness possible because that life doesn’t exist. What does exist is a commitment that you made to your spouse to be with them until death do you part. If you want to truly feel fulfilled then live out those vows you made. Appreciate all that you have been blessed with and given, and you will find something much greater than a temporary high leading nowhere. You will find joy, hope, purpose, and most likely, a blessed marriage.
Copyright © 2011, Foundation Restoration. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. No reproduction allowed without written permission from Foundation Restoration and/or the author.
“Real love is shown in those times where nothing in you feels like loving.” That pretty much sums it all up.
Anonymous, thank you for your comment! I really believe that statement with all of my heart.
Anonymous #2, I’m so thrilled that you loved this article! Love is definitely a choice and an act. It’s continuous, unending, and tenacious. I too am so grieved by how quickly and frequently people walk away from a truly great marriage because they don’t “feel” like staying in it for one reason or another. Marriage is a vow (as you mentioned) to stick it out come what may for the rest of life. Everyone’s saying it, but people aren’t doing it. It breaks my heart, which is why I am fighting so hard for people to start putting their hearts back into their marriages whether they feel like it or not. Thanks for sharing your encouraging thoughts!
WOW! I love this article! Great points! It’s so true! People chase emotion all the time. True love is not a feeling. Love is an attitude and an action. It’s a choice. When the going gets tough…. . I am so disappointed in the amount of people that bail at the first sign of trouble. Does anyone understand what the word vow means anymore? I really enjoyed this article! Keep writing your convictions through God’s word.