“What are you most dissatisfied with about our marriage?” she asked. It was a simple question, albeit somewhat out of the blue. Ashley and I were driving home after spending a day at a museum. I sat there partly terrified, thoughts racing through my mind for the right answer.
Difficult conversations are not exactly my thing. While they are extremely important, I have a tendency to shy away from them. I’m a fairly chill guy and like things to go smoothly. It just seems easier to let things go and avoid difficult, emotionally charged topics. Also, oftentimes I feel bad communicating how I really feel. I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, and sometimes it’s just easier to keep my thoughts to myself and deal with them in my own head. However, that is not the path to true intimacy.
Communicating thoughts and feelings is an integral part of deepening your relationship. Discussing issues with your spouse helps you gain a deeper understanding of each other. It gets you beyond the surface and into the really deep, intimate parts of life. However, exposing those thoughts requires a true commitment to discomfort and awkwardness.
With that in mind, I encourage you to start an uncomfortable conversation with your spouse. The goal here is to discuss your feelings with your spouse and work through an issue or something that has been on your mind, but you’ve been afraid to start the conversation. Caution: this is not an opportunity to start a fight. In fact, some couples should stay away from this at the moment if it’s been a tumultuous time for your relationship (you may stop reading now). But for you guys out there (and gals) that have been avoiding uncomfortable conversations to evade awkwardness, embarrassment, tears, and pain, now is the time to get beyond that. Push past awkwardness into sincere exposure. Get comfortable discussing uncomfortable topics. Become an expert at seeking to find common ground on hot button topics.
Here are a couple suggestions to get the conversation started.
- What is something I can do better in our relationship?
- What is your greatest dissatisfaction with our marriage?
- Is there anything I do that annoys you or really turns you off?
- What do you think is my largest blind spot in our marriage?
A couple guidelines:
- Honest communication isn’t a free pass for you or your spouse to unload a double barrel shot of all the frustrations you’ve felt over the past couple of months. Rather, it is an opportunity to openly and honestly converse with your spouse about a topic that can improve your communication, understanding, and openness.
- Allow your spouse to share their true feelings. While this is not an invitation to be mean, it is an open door for honest feedback. Let your spouse express themselves, and continually remind yourself that you are two separate people working together to make your marriage the best it can be for both of you. This is not a personal attack; it is an intimate conversation aimed at developing a deeper level of understanding and communication.
- This is not a recommendation to tear open huge wounds. The goal here is to seek a deeper level of openness and security, not to provide a battle arena. While these conversations may be difficult and emotional, they should not turn into knock-down, drag-out fights. You do want to address potentially sensitive topics, but this might not be the right situation to discuss extremely volatile issues.
- Do not use this feedback as ammo. Using things said in these conversations as ammo in future conversations is a huge no-no. Doing so will crumble the profound level of trust and openness you are working to cultivate. Respect what your spouse communicates, and do not throw it back in his/her face.
- Through it all, remember the goal is to work toward a deeper sense of understanding, vulnerability, and intimacy in your relationship.
This is obviously a delicate situation. Exposing yourself requires introspection, trust, and vulnerability. Expect some discomfort. Expect some tears. Expect some frustration. But through it all you can also look forward to a unique and special level of exposure, intimacy, and understanding of your spouse.
Ashley and I didn’t fix every issue in our marriage that day in the car. I’m not even sure if we fixed the issue we were talking about. But we did achieve a deeper level of intimacy, greater understanding of one another, and pushed the depth of our relationship a little farther. Uncomfortable? A bit. Worth every second of discomfort? You bet.
Copyright © 2011, Foundation Restoration. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. No reproduction allowed without written permission from Foundation Restoration and/or the author.
Great article, Steve! I can identify with the desire to just avoid the direct conflict or difficult situations. I appreciate the insight and agree completely. Sometimes I am guilty of not putting those guidelines into action and when I don’t the relationship severely suffers. I appreciate your suggestions and encouragement! Thanks!
Anonymous, thanks for the encouraging words for Steve. I think we can all identify with wanting to avoid conflict, especially in a relationship. It’s difficult to be honest and open in a respectful and loving way, but that’s what make a relationship grow and develop into the best that it can be.