I flipped down the passenger side visor to glance at myself in the mirror. Ugh. How could I forget to put on a stitch of make-up? I looked over at my husband and apologized for my ragged appearance. He just laughed and reassured me saying, “You know I think you are most beautiful when you aren’t trying.” Rolling my eyes in disbelief, I went back to focusing on my reflection in the mirror with hopeless dismay.
We were headed to our friends’ house for our weekly small group Bible study. Most of the group had seen me in raw form without make-up on or my hair done before, but I still didn’t like the idea of absolutely no make-up. Despite my husband’s best efforts, I couldn’t help but feel doubtful about his claims of my natural beauty. For some reason I just felt insecure about people seeing my blemishes and flaws.
That’s when the notion struck me that most of us mask our flaws and blemishes hoping that no one will see the real us. After all, if someone saw us for who we really are, they would scream bloody murder and run in horror in the opposite direction. Right?
Why wouldn’t we think that? There are a million messages surrounding us filling our minds with all the things we’re not. If we don’t have the right clothes, make-up, toys, or products, then we are just an atrocity walking around polluting the world with our inadequacies. Magazine covers edit their featured images to unrealistic body proportions leaving us with impossible expectations to live up to. It’s no wonder so many people are walking around feeling completely dissatisfied with their appearance.
We are bombarded with messages encouraging us to pretend to be someone we’re not because who we really are is just not good enough.
This superficial focus on the outward appearance is contributing to the deterioration of relationships in several ways.
Insecurity
Insecurity in oneself leads to insecurity in a relationship; it’s a domino effect. Obviously everyone has something that he or she is insecure about. There isn’t a human alive that doesn’t have at least one thing he or she is insecure about. What I am saying is not that there needs to be a complete lack of insecurity, especially to the degree where arrogance and self-centeredness take over. What I am saying is that we cannot allow personal insecurities to define or overtake us.
When you don’t see the value in yourself, you have a hard time believing someone else could see value in you. This is evident in a lot of unhealthy dating relationships, particularly abusive ones. One individual fails to see their value, and it leads them down a path of being mistreated by someone who preys on that self-doubt and uncertainty. Other times that lack of self-worth can lead someone to miss out on a really great prospect because he or she simply couldn’t believe that they were worthy of that caliber of person. Not having confidence in who you are as a child of God – hand-crafted and uniquely you – can be the very thing that lands you in an unhealthy relationship or to miss out on a spectacular one.
For those who are married, insecurity can lead a person to adopt unhealthy relational patterns that can cause a lot of marital difficulties. Poor self-worth can lead to avoidance, a lack of intimacy, isolation, unfounded suspicion, and estrangement, among other things. There is no doubt that it can be tough to sort through and lay to rest insecurities, but that is simply what must be done for the sake of the relationship. This may take the assistance of a professional to help you dig deep and find out the source of your insecurities to then work through dealing with them appropriately. It might just be as simple as a little prayer and occasional reassurances from your spouse. Regardless, being confident in your value and worth, outside of superficial expectations, directly affects the quality of your relationship.
The Other Extreme
On the other extreme, the obsession with being “good enough” or acceptable as described by society can be equally, if not more, problematic for relationships. This typically entails a self-centered mentality that undermines the necessary serve-one-another approach to relationships as mentioned in 1 Peter 4:10. Selfishness is deadly to a marriage.
Now some of you may be getting all worked up thinking that I am promoting the doormat philosophy, but that is not what I am talking about here. Marriage is about serving one another, which means both people are participating. At the same time, true love is a completely selfless, other-oriented approach that forgives, cares for, and seeks out the best for your spouse. As described in Corinthians 13:4-8, love is a powerful, tenacious, and not self-seeking.
If you are focused on yourself constantly, that means you aren’t focusing on your spouse. It means that you are self-absorbed and only looking out for what is best for you instead of your spouse and marriage. That approach to relationships is a one-way ticket to failure. You cannot obsess over your own needs, neglect those of your spouse, and hope for a thriving marriage. Marriage is about meeting the needs of your spouse, treasuring him or her, and working hard at being the best spouse possible day in and day out. If both people have that mentality, you are going to have an incredibly fulfilling marriage.
Take off the Make-Up
I would be lying to you if I said that I don’t have bouts of insecure moments (as demonstrated in the above example). There are days where I am overwhelmed by my flaws, failures, and shortcomings. Lord knows, I have plenty of them. When I allow myself to think about them for too long, they begin gaining momentum, growing larger and more consuming, and pretty soon, I feel completely worthless.
Then I take a deep breath, let it out, and say a prayer something like this:
Dear Lord,
Help me to somehow see my worth and value as Your child. You created me, love me, and chose me. Help me to see myself through Your eyes and silence the lies that Satan wants me to believe about myself. May I know that my worth isn’t measured by things of this world but by the truths of Your Word. At the same time, help me to be the best version of me possible. Give me the motivation necessary to care for myself in a way that is pleasing to You and my husband. Wrap Your loving arms around me, and help me through these moments of insecurity.
In Your precious name, Jesus, amen.
It’s easy to think that the best way to go through life is with a bunch of make-up covering up every flaw. Perfection may be our goal, but it is an unrealistic and unattainable one. Life is about the journey, and while it can be a painful and difficult one at times, going through it with a mask on will only lead us to more sadness, isolation, disappointment, and insecurities.
Trust me when I say that I have been hurt more than once by allowing my flaws and failures to be visible to someone. It hurts when you think you can trust someone with the real you, and they throw it in your face, break your heart, mistreat you, or don’t love you in spite of your shortcomings. At the same time that is a risk that has to be taken if you want to build relationships.
Of course, you can’t be reckless with who you trust, but when you’ve come to a point with someone that you know to move forward in the relationship you need to get real, then I would encourage you to take your make-up off. Stop pretending to be someone you aren’t or that you think your friends or loved ones want you to be. Especially in dating relationships, it is absolutely imperative to be real with one another to be able to make a wise, educated decision as to if the two of you are a good match for one another. Realize the source of your worth, and grab hold of your true value.
Relationships, especially marriages, require vulnerability, transparency, and honesty. It doesn’t mean you stop working hard at being the best you possible, but it means that you allow your spouse to see the real you. It means taking off the make-up and feeling the unconditional love and intimacy that comes from that openness. No make-up, no pretending, just you … the good, the bad, the ugly, and the beautiful.
Copyright © 2011, Foundation Restoration. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. No reproduction allowed without written permission from Foundation Restoration and/or the author.
This is perfect Ashley! I woke up this morning 10 minutes before I had to leave for the office and looked (felt) like a wreck. Thank you for the insight and encouragement.
Thanks Ashlee for your kind words of encouragement! And I seriously doubt you looked a mess 🙂
This article speaks to me personally because so often I feel the insecurity that comes with weight. It is definitely something that I have struggled with and can drastically affect my countenance and confidence.I have been working so hard to take control of that weakness that is discipline with food and am trying to restructure what I have come to believe about my ability to relearn and lose weight being the person I feel I should be on the inside and the out. This article pretty much spoke directly to my heart in more ways than one. Thanks so much for sharing! It really encouraged me!
Anonymous, I really appreciate your honesty in your response. It’s refreshing to have someone be so candid with their struggles and perspective. It can be extremely difficult to exude confidence on the outside and feel it on the inside if we are unhappy or insecure with our appearance. Beauty and confidence definitely start on the inside, but living in a way that cares for your body is helpful and important too. Food and exercise is a challenging discipline to learn; I know I am constantly working hard to try and live a healthy lifestyle because it is important for myself, my husband, and because my body is the temple of God. I would encourage you to keep up the great work! It sounds like you are on track with caring for yourself in a sincere and appropriate way. Remember that you are handcrafted by God; that always helps give me a boost of confidence when I am struggling a bit. Again, thank you so much for your candid, honest, and sincere comment; I really appreciated it and enjoyed hearing from you!