I have heard it said that the three leading causes for divorce among marriages today are financial stresses, poor communication skills, and sexual intimacy, or the lack thereof. I would have to disagree. I have found that the leading cause for divorce today is simply this: couples are not fighting enough.
Now before we go on let me explain what I mean by “fighting”. The type of fighting I am writing about is in reference to the ancient ways warriors would fight for their kings. They fought because they possessed some key character traits. The first being loyalty. Loyalty is two-fold; it protects the king, but it also provides protection for the one being loyal. Loyalty is a character trait that has more to do with the one being loyal than the one they are being loyal to. You being loyal is not about the other person; it’s about your inner strength and discipline. Without this, the integrity of the relationship is lost.
The second trait is sacrifice. Sacrifice occurs when we are free from expectations, requirements, fear, and resentment. The reason it has to be free from expectation is because if we sacrifice only because we expect the other person to notice, care or return the treatment then it’s not really a sacrifice. It’s more of a loan. It’s not pure, therefore, its power is absent. We also must be free of requirements. If in order to sacrifice we are requiring our spouse to be or do certain things, then we will live in a constant state of waiting. Chances are we can find that to be true in other areas of our lives. We will not sacrifice if we are waiting for the right conditions. We must let go of those requirements. Additionally, fear and resentment can inhibit true sacrifice.
They really do go hand in hand. We fear things we do not know, and we often resent things we cannot control. I once read that we as humans “forget things we should remember, and we remember things we should forget.” Said another way, what are you holding on to? What are you gaining from it? You cannot sacrifice for someone you have fear or resentment towards. When we allow forgiveness to reign, we embrace experiencing joy because we aren’t holding on so tightly to fear. Joy is a freeing spirit that we need to chase after and enjoy while fear jumps at the opportunity to take a hold of you. Sacrifice gains its power when it is birthed through a spirit of joy.
The third characteristic to being a good fighter is commitment. Commitment requires a lot of wisdom and patience. Wisdom is knowing what to say, do, and how or when to say and do it. It’s a skill that must be sought after and learned. Your partner will not always do or be what’s best, but what you do about that reflects who you truly are. Same goes for patience. Patience takes a lot of humility and faith. You are laying down your ability (not God given right) to be right. You are trusting and having faith that you will be taken care of, if not by them then by God, even when you don’t know how or when that might occur. This is not an easy thing to do since marriage IS a partnership, but it can be done.
In a marriage these attributes are the key to reflecting commitment. Notice how these character traits build off of each other to form a very strong and grounded being. Also note how emotions or feelings have not been mentioned till now. That is because even on the hardest of days when you are emotionally, physically, and mentally drained, you still have a choice. You can still choose who YOU want to be. Will you fight with loyalty, sacrifice, and commitment instead of with fear, resentment, pride, and un-forgiveness?
After a long day, a day that included an argument, lots of meetings, and deadlines, I was tired. I melted in defeat before God. I was struck with my thoughts as I sat there in a dark room at work, “I’m done with this! I’m done with this! I’m so done!” I got angry, and, as you know, “hell knows no fury like a woman scorned.” Not to mention I’m a Latina, so passion is my middle name. I picked myself up, walked to my office, grabbed my purse, keys, and computer, drove home, and began fighting. I cleaned, cooked, and sang. I was not going to allow my husband or my future children to live in an environment where they were not loved and taken care of regardless of how tired, unappreciated, or defeated I was feeling; it’s not who I am. Choosing to give in to those feelings would be a compromise of my integrity.
Integrity simply refers to being whole, complete, or undivided. If I gave into my feelings, I would be dividing myself. I love my husband. I love myself. I am full of joy. I am a hard worker. I am very smart. I am patient. I am creative. I am forgiving. I am encouraging. I am trustworthy. I am loving. And I am a whole lot of fun. That is my integrity. Those are the things I cannot compromise. So, when my husband got home, I had candles lit everywhere. Near the couch I washed and massaged his feet and told him how much I love and respect him as well as how he drives me crazy, but I wouldn’t want it any other way. You can bet he was confused, but what is the alternative? Think about it. Stay upset? Sometimes we can be right and so wrong at the same time. That night we honored each other, and we did what honored God. We had one of the biggest fights we’ve had so far in our marriage, and it was great. Not easy, but nothing really of value ever is. I’m human. You’re human. It was seriously a miracle that I was able to emotionally compose myself the way I did, but it was also not as hard as I have made it out to be. I firmly believe that the more I fight equipped with the right character traits and the less I give in to my selfish ways, the more natural it will become. We choose the lives we get to live. We also choose the fights we GET to fight.
Brenda Harrell is Co-Founder and Director of Remnant Ministries and Leadership School of Southern California.
Brenda has worked in youth ministry for over 6 years now. She started out in her small home town in Lancaster California. There she quickly embraced a heart to care and nurture the young people in her city. As one of the few female leaders in that ministry Brenda spent most of her time as a full time college student, a full time employee for Wells Fargo while still nurturing her own family and the young girls of Lancaster First Assemblies of God church. There Brenda also met her best friend and now husband Chris Harrell, who is Pastor of Remnant Ministries and Executive Director of the Leadership School of Southern California.
Her desire to really make a change in her city only grew and eventually took her to Atlanta, GA where she interned and studied under Jeanne Mayo, who is known nationwide for her knowledge of youth ministry and her heart to mentor youth pastors. Brenda spent two years in Atlanta mentoring at risk teens. There she was also able to travel with a team and translated on various mission trips to Mexico and Ecuador where her team was able to provide food, education and raise moral. When she returned from Atlanta Brenda became the chaplain at Antelope Valley Christian High School where she continued to grow her passion for young people but was able to gain a new love for teaching.
Since then Brenda recently got married on October 17th 2009 and lives in the beautiful city of Corona where her and her husband pastor a ministry of 300. She mentors and oversees the 9th and 10th grade girls’ small group as well as Discipleship on Sunday mornings. She is very excited about the new school they launched called Leadership School of Southern California which began late August 2010. Brenda is very passionate about bringing hope and development to young people and families both emotionally and spiritually.
Foundation Restoration Treat Pack including a multi-use canvas tote, notebook, and sticky notes paired with two books: Fight Fair: Winning at Conflict Without Losing at Love and One of Us Must Be Crazy … and I’m Pretty Sure It’s You: Making Sense of the Differences That Divide Us by Tim & Joy Downs
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Hey everyone! Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts, encouragement, and kindness! We appreciate you stopping by and supporting us! Make sure to “like” Foundation Restoration on Facebook (www.facebook.com/FoundationRestoration) and follow us on Twitter (@FndRestoration)! Thank you!!! Congratulations to our winner of this canvas tote, notebook, goodie bag, and 2 books on handling conflict … Megan!!
Amy, awesome! Thank you!
Lauren, thank you so much! We appreciate it!
Jodi, thank you once again for your kind and encouraging words! It really means so much to us!
Christina, I agree, Brenda did a great job on this article! Thanks for stopping by!
Chris, thanks for stopping by and sharing your encouragement for Brenda!
Miranda, that’s really cool!
Rebecca, love hearing when an article hits home for someone; thanks for sharing!
Andrew, thanks for sharing your thoughts. In the heat of a fight, it can definitely be a challenge to remember that a fight isn’t about winning. It’s all about resolving!
Tamee, you really had some great thoughts and points to share; thank you! Life together is really the blessing, and it’s so important to cultivate that other-oriented focus. That’s what marriage is all about – having a servant’s heart. Our culture would definitely be very different if this approach was taken more often. Thanks for sharing!
Jolene, thanks for stopping by and sharing your words of encouragement for Brenda!
Sean, I am so sorry to hear about your brother’s divorce. Marriage definitely cannot be defined or run on emotions. Emotions are fleeting feelings that will never sustain a marriage. It’s commitment to stick it out with your spouse and make the marriage the best it can be that keeps it going. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and story! I will be praying for your brother and his wife!
Tawny, I agree, that’s a great line! Thanks for stopping by our new site!
Sara, thanks for stopping by! Those are all really great points that Brenda makes in this piece. We all fight, but it’s how we fight that makes the difference.
Megan, fighting is definitely something that can be scary. Fights often get out of hand because emotions start flying high, and people often focus on winning. Fights are actually and opportunity for two people to come together and work as a team to resolve an issue. They are an amazing bonding experience if handled respectfully. Thanks for sharing … and congratulations because you are our giveaway winner! I sent you an email, make sure to get back to me within 5 business days with the requested information so we can send it to you!
Nicole, thanks for another sweet comment! I appreciate you!
I follow on Twitter and shared the link 🙂
i love ur website. it has so much good information. very well done.
Such an incredible piece by Mrs. Harrell. This article is so refreshing, passionate, and truly applicable to us all. Thank you for sharing your thoughts on “fighting” for our relationships.
YAY Brenda!! Thank you sooo much for writing this! Me going into a relationship, it’s amazing reading this.
Love, Chris V.
Brenda’s compassion has definitely left a positive change in my life. I’m so blessed to have met her.
So needed this!!! Thank you!!!
Brenda – Phenomenal thoughts. “You cannot sacrifice for someone you have fear or resentment toward.” I realize to some that’s a no brainer, but in the moment of a fight, that’s the last thing we think about. We’re too concerned with winning!
Good point!
In a culture that celebrates independence & looking out for #1, you’ve discovered the simple yet powerful truth that we need each other. And as we focus on the other, our lives become richer & full of meaning. While this is especially true in a marriage, the power of this truth permeates throughout every relationship we have. Can you imagine how different our culture would look & feel if everyone embraced the wisdom you’ve laid out? You are a wonderful example of the joy that is produced by living a “It’s not about me” life. Thank you Brenda for a depth of understanding & grace that enriches us all.
Such a different and beautiful perspective! Thank you for your heartfelt words and the inspiration to challenge the norm. Love you!
Greatness!!!
my older brother and his wife Going threw a Divorce, ive spent a lot of time consoling both to my best and every point you went over in this i spoke on. Marriage is a bond and once the decision is made to get married it need to more for a mind set then emotion driven force. when Satan see people lack communication in a relationship he attacks emotions witch cause people to just give up or build a ego against each other.
love it ima forward it to my bro!
This is amazing Brenda! “If I gave into my feelings, I would be dividing myself” So good, and so true. One of my favorite parts of this!
Thanks for sharing such empowering words.”If I gave into my feelings, I would be dividing myself….We choose the lives we get to live. We also choose the fights we GET to fight.” Wisdom I will definitely carry with me into the next “fight.”
What a great word. I think so often people are scared of fighting, including myself. It is all about how we approach those issues we have. However, how freeing it is to be open and honest with each other and work through our differences together. it only allows opportunity for us to love one another at an even deeper level. What a continuous process it is!
Wonderful post and a lot to think about. Great!