Food for Marriage: Communication
How many of us have heard the saying “Communication is the key?” If this were a room full of people, the majority of hands would be raised. Communication is the key to what though? Well, communication is definitely the key to marriage.
Communication. Ahhhh, where to begin. Communication is how we convey things (feelings, ideas, facts) to another person. Not only is there verbal communication but there is non-verbal communication: body language – how we position ourselves, eye contact, nodding, facial expressions, etc. In case you haven’t figured it out yet, communicating is important in every single area of our lives. Whether it’s work, family, friends, or church, we have to be able to communicate with people. Marriage is an especially important area to be able to communicate in. Communicating gives us the opportunity to continue to get to know each other, build our relationship, take the temperature of the marriage, and enjoy one another. Not only communicating but knowing how to communicate is essential to a marriage.
Women and men communicate differently. One of the biggest communication stumbling blocks is the general view of what the point of communication is. Men typically feel that communication is meant for conveying facts and necessary information. Women typically feel that communication is meant to build relationship. Women are known for literally using more words than men and are also more detail-oriented. Men are more about the “bottom-line.” Already we have a challenge. A classic situation that arises from these differences is as follows:
The husband gets home from work. Dinner isn’t quite ready and the wife is frazzled. She begins to spew out all the stuff that went wrong during her day – the washer door popped open so I had a puddle to clean up, there was a huge line at the post office so I was late getting to my dentist appointment, I had a thousand phone calls to make, and then I forgot to pick up milk from the grocery store, so I had to make a run to the store, and now dinner is late. The husband looks at her with this almost horrified look and says, “What do you want me to do about it?” A fight erupts between the two of them.
Do you know what just happened here? There was a breakdown in communication branching from the fundamental differences in what communicating is for and how it is done. Women often just need to vent about what is going on. They spew off a laundry list of things that occurred just to feel like someone cares and understands. Men hear this laundry list and think they are responsible for solving each of those problems. Men want to solve problems, and so they miss that women just need to be heard, which in turn upsets women because they feel like their husbands are insensitive. Men – 98% of the time, there is no problem to be fixed! Women just want you to listen, to care, and maybe dialogue a little bit about it so they can let off some stress and steam. Women – men are different from us and want to solve your “problems,” so cut them some slack sometimes and explain what you are needing from the conversation.
That is just one obstacle of communicating, and truthfully there are too many to even mention in one article. The main point I want to emphasize is that communication is important. If there is a breakdown in communication (the big warning sign flashing is when an argument begins to erupt), take a step back and ask if there is a fundamental difference in what the two of you are communicating. Try to be clear about what you need from a conversation. Women, understand that men are different from us. You don’t see little boys on the playground gathered together with their friends talking and playing dolls. No, they are out doing things together like playing baseball. Girls are talkers, and we have to try to be patient with our men. Men, you gotta bust out of your shells and realize communication is an important part of your marriage and relationship with your wife. I know it’s tough, but really try to work on communicating and listening. It builds intimacy and makes your wife feel loved, plus you will probably feel better too. If you are struggling with this – tell her that, and you can work through it together.
One more specific area of communication I wanted to touch on is affirmation. Affirming your spouse is so important! We can build people up with our communication or tear them down. If you want your marriage to thrive, you must always be building when you are communicating. That doesn’t mean you never talk about the tough stuff, but you are always aware of the other person’s feelings when doing so. Affirmation is really important to both men and women, but men especially show a tendency toward needing this. Make sure to not just point out what your husband forgot to do or isn’t good at. Tell him what he did well. Examples: “Honey, thank you for taking the trash out. I really appreciate you taking care of that for me.” “Thanks for how hard you work honey. You are such an amazing provider.” Men, don’t be afraid to do the same for your wife. “Sweetheart, you are the most gorgeous woman.” “Honey, your dinner tonight was spectacular. Thanks for taking care of me.” A little bit goes a long way. Build, build, build your spouse up, and your marriage will follow!
Communication is so important. A lot of things get missed or confused when we don’t communicate effectively with one another. The good news is that over time you learn each other more and more, and it becomes a little easier. The worst thing you can do is to give up and stop communicating! That is a recipe for disaster. You must keep communicating with one another – build that intimacy and relationship, enjoy each others company, learn about each other and what is going on in your lives, and keep your marriage on track. Don’t forget that your body language is communicating right alongside your mouth, so keep that in check. Be honest with one another but always do it in a loving and respectful way.
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Your advice in this is soo encouraging and reminds me that an engagement i broke off was me acting in obedience and its something to give god thanks for instead of letting the enemy cause me to focus on painful memories.
Im so thankful that god always has our back and im thankful that you have our back and that your helping so many people, keep up the good work 🙂
Rebecca, thanks for the kind words of encouragement! It’s always such a blessing to hear that an article I’ve written has spoken to someone. It’s true that God always has our back, and He’s willing to guide us if we all Him too. It can be hard to be obedient at times to His will, but it’s much harder not to be in His will. Again, thank you for being so incredibly kind and encouraging; you made my day!