By Ashley McIlwain


Marriages are boring, affairs are fun!

That’s what the spam email said that was sitting in my inbox staring at me candidly and shamelessly. My heart ached as I saw the words beseeching me to believe their ridiculous claim. Unapologetically this lie dared to even show its ugly face. Unfortunately, I’ve witnessed too many marriages where one spouse actually believed that lie though. They fell for the enticing words dripping with promises that they would never fulfill. Like a poisoned candy apple, they’re shiny appearance lures you in, but death and destruction await you underneath the pretty sheen.

Too many clients have come into my office devastated by affairs. Too many people have emailed me reeling from their spouse straying outside the marriage. Friends have reached out in despair clueless as to how to take their next breath. Tears are shed. Hearts are shattered. Lives are ravaged.

When we give ourselves to our spouse in marriage, we give ourselves completely. That’s the only way it works; to be completely vulnerable, transparent, and committed to one another. We vow that we will cherish, love, be faithful to, and honor our spouse until our dying day, and within that, we open ourselves up completely to one another.

Those vows are supposed to mean something. They are supposed to be a forever thing. They are intended to be unbreakable and unchangeable no matter what comes our way in marriage.

Unfortunately though, marriages don’t always go the way they are meant to. Promises aren’t always kept. Wisdom isn’t always used. Family of origin issues and deep wounds lend their influence. Past experiences taint our perceptions. Unmet expectations, disappointments, frustrations, busyness, and routine can creep in and begin to push spouses apart from one another. Slowly but surely we lose sight of the blessing of marriage, and a chasm separates us from the other half of our whole. What was joined together as one becomes two halves. We forget why we chose our spouse. We lose sight of the problems tackled, memories made, laughter shared, and dreams realized together. Somehow we lose sight of the excitement and thrill of knowing someone and being known so completely and intimately for the entirety of our lives.

Usually in those moments of frustration, disappointment, loneliness, or hurt, that is when the temptation to seek out “easy,” “fun,” and “feel-good” appears on the scene. Rarely is it a super obvious, all-at-once opportunity that arises but rather a subtle, seemingly harmless gesture that captures our attention and only softly alerts our conscience. “This makes me feel good, and I deserve that! Don’t I?” “It’s just a harmless conversation (flirtation, meeting, etc.).” Instead of being a blatant thief storming down the front door to our marriage and obviously plundering it of its precious treasures. It’s a simpler carrot that is dangled in front of us that we can easily justify.

Before you know it, like quick sand, you are sucked into an affair. The temporary high numbs your conscience, and you easily chase the high for their moments of intoxicating reprieve from your otherwise unhappy marriage. But much like a speeding car; the biggest exhilaration comes just before the head-on collision.

In an instant, the rush of the high is gone, and all that is left is complete and utter destruction. To the marriage. To the spouse. To yourself. And while marriages can recover from infidelity, they are never quite the same. Just like a shattered vase can be glued together, it’s forever changed.

The broken promise of an affair being fun and the lie that marriage is boring becomes all too real when we cross that line. An unfortunate reality that crashes down like a ton of bricks sucking the air out of the room and our lungs. When we convince ourselves that our needs are more important than our vows and marriage covenant, we forever change the course of our life, our spouse’s life, and our children’s lives.

When the high wears off, we realize that it was all a lie, and what we really wanted and needed was to roll up our sleeves and work on our marriage. There’s a saying that the grass isn’t greener on the other side of the fence; it’s greener where it’s cared for. Affairs are often a symptom of an already struggling marriage, where one spouse looks outside the marriage for fulfillment they feel they aren’t receiving inside the marriage. Therein lies where the healing can begin in a marriage recovering from infidelity.

What went wrong? What was going right? What did both of you contribute to the good and failing parts? What would you like to see be different in your marriage going forward?

As Dave Carder puts it in his book Torn Asunder, “What’s done is done, and now you must spend your energy on processing the past and building for the future. It is necessary to acknowledge a shared responsibility so that each spouse has equal influence to share the marital outcome … Do not let your spouse either blame you completely for the affair or, conversely, assume total responsibility for it.”

Extramarital affairs are no doubt devastating, but the marriage can not only survive but become better than ever. It’s a process though, and it takes time. The affair must end, and both partners must be involved in the healing process. It’s vital to get professional help to navigate the process. It’s a time where patience, grace, forgiveness, honesty, God’s supernatural help, and growth are all imperative.

There’s no quick fix to a broken marriage, especially when an affair is involved, but there is still hope. With God’s help, your openness and willingness to fight for your marriage, and some professional guidance, you can begin to tackle the road to healing and restoration.

Marriages are boring, affairs are fun!

My stomach turns when I read those words because they could not be farther from the truth. Affairs are a nightmare that destroy, disrupt, and devastate. They breed disease, resentment, anger, and destruction. On the other hand, marriage is the adventure of a lifetime. There are valleys to trudge through and mountaintops to savor; moments that take your breath away and ones that test your patience, strength, and integrity; enemies to defeat and victories to celebrate; laughter to be heard and tears to be shed; joy to be experienced and frustrations to overcome. What a privilege and honor marriage is! What a blessing and incredible opportunity to grow old with someone, to have experienced all that life has to offer with the same person! To grow old and gray together and reflect back on it all saying, “We did it! We made it! And it was the ride of my life!” That’s a high worth chasing, a carrot worth pursuing, and a life worth living.

Affairs are lies, marriages are as good as it gets!

I’ll leave you with this truth of Proverbs 5:3-22:
For the lips of an adulteress drip honey, and her speech is smoother than oil;  but in the end she is bitter as gall, sharp as a double-edged sword. Her feet go down to death; her steps lead straight to the grave. She gives no thought to the way of life; her paths are crooked, but she knows it not. Now then, my sons, listen to me; do not turn aside from what I say. Keep to a path far from her, do not go near the door of her house, lest you give your best strength to others and your years to one who is cruel, lest strangers feast on your wealth and your toil enrich another man’s house. At the end of your life you will groan, when your flesh and body are spent. You will say, “How I hated discipline! How my heart spurned correction! I would not obey my teachers or listen to my instructors. I have come to the brink of utter ruin in the midst of the whole assembly.” Drink water from your own cistern, running water from your own well. Should your springs overflow in the streets, your streams of water in the public squares? Let them be yours alone, never to be shared with strangers. May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer– may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be captivated by her love. Why be captivated, my son, by an adulteress? Why embrace the bosom of another man’s wife? For a man’s ways are in full view of the LORD, and he examines all his paths. The evil deeds of a wicked man ensnare him; the cords of his sin hold him fast.

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