By Ashley McIlwain

As human beings we gravitate toward routine. Toward comfort. We like to be in control, and we like to have things figured out. Most of us avoid change like the plague and find safety within the boundaries of regular and familiar.

It’s not that this is a bad thing. Routine creates efficiency. It can produce better results with challenging situations such as with a child’s sleeping and eating schedule. It makes things easier at times, and it helps provide a sense of sanity and order to the chaotic lives we lead. Routine is not the enemy in and of itself.

Routine becomes an enemy when we allow it to take over our lives, especially our marriages. Routines tend to create ruts that we struggle to navigate out of.

When my husband, Steve, and I went to Rome last September, we took a tour to learn more about the ancient city rich with history. One of the most surprising things we learned was that many of the roads we walked on were the original ones! The big stones under our feet had been walked upon by countless people from the span of 3,000 years! What was so interesting though were the ruts chiseled out from the chariots that repeatedly ran over them. Even 3,000 years could not remove the ruts permanently carved out by routine wear and tear.

The same thing can happen in our marriage (and in life in general). When we allow our routines to take over, we begin to carve out ruts that can be very hard to get out of. And that is when monotony, disappointment, resentment, unhappiness, and discontentment creep in. We begin to question who we married and why. Often times people then turn away from their marriage and either get divorced or merely exist within their marriage finding no joy or fulfillment in it. Or as some say, become “two ships passing in the night.”

The only way to get out of a rut it to forge a new path.

How do you do that? Here are a few tips:

  1. Be spontaneous. We all have sudden urges once in a while to break from our routines and do something fun, interesting, or adventurous. Instead of just thinking about it and then talking yourself out of it for one reason or another, talk yourself into it. Just go for it! Big or small, being spontaneous immediately breathes life into a marriage. Go for that late night run for ice cream. Plan that weekend getaway you always wanted to go on. Go dancing together. Head to an amusement park, and go on those rides you think you’re too old for. Give yourselves permission to get a little whimsical … even a little crazy.
  2. Get out of your comfort zone. We all like to feel in control, but sometimes we need to be a little out of control. Do something with your spouse that you normally wouldn’t do. Maybe it’s a sporting event or concert. Perhaps it’s skydiving together or going for a hike. Think of something that gets your heart racing with a bit of anxious fear, and then go do it! Comfortable is rarely exciting, so if you want to add some excitement to your marriage, then you’ve got to do something that will excite you!
  3. Channel your youthful side. When we’re young, we’re often less inhibited. We’re not bogged down by responsibilities, stress, or worries. Have you ever seen pure joy on a child’s face? Perhaps as you toss them into the air and catch them, or when they jump off the diving board for the first time? Children and young adults, while sometimes oblivious to danger, have a certain uninhibited freedom that we all could use a dose of. So, forget about the to do list or what happened at work, and do something fun together just because! Perhaps go to a park and swing side by side seeing who can go the highest. Worry will always be waiting for you, but take the time to just savor one another by doing something that you genuinely enjoy.
  4. Be romantic. Usually the longer we’re married the less romantic and thoughtful we become. We assume our spouse knows how we feel about them and no longer feel the need to woo them. That’s not true though! We can never stop communicating our love and appreciation to our spouse. The longer we’re together; the more reasons there are to do it and the more ways we know how!  So dust off the candles, buy that bouquet of flowers, plan that massage, cook that favorite meal, write that love note, and watch for the deep appreciation on your spouse’s face.
  5. Get away. One of the best ways to get out of a rut and break up the routine is to literally get away. Even if it’s just for a night in your own hometown, take a timeout together. Leave all of the day to day stress behind, and go have fun. Talk. Relax. Reconnect! When we leave our normal environment, we’re reminded of what really matters … each other!
  6. Reminisce. One (of many) advantages that couples that have been married for a long time have is their rich history together. You’ve been through so much. You’ve overcome … together! Take time to reminisce. Pull out your wedding album and/or video. Dust off the photos from your dating years. Talk about your favorite moments together. Best trips. Silly traditions. Hardest times. You have been building a life together, and it’s beautiful and amazing! Take time to step back and enjoy the view as a couple knowing that you’ve been doing a great job at it! It will remind you of all that you’ve invested into this marriage and your family, and why it’s worth pressing on.
  7. Dream . When we’re young we’re constantly envisioning our future. What do we want to do with our lives? What are our passions and goals? Where do we want to be in 5, 10, 15 years? We plan, dream, and hope. Then we get older, and we “settle in” to our lives. We slowly stop dreaming, hoping, and planning for a future, but we shouldn’t. Sit down with your spouse, and talk about what you want to accomplish in 5, 10, 15 years. What dreams, passions, and hopes have been left deserted and unrealized? Make plans to accomplish them together! We can never stopping dreaming because when we do, we lose our motivation and our inspiration for the future. Dream big together; it’s far from too late!

Monotony

It’s so easy to get sucked into monotony. We stop wanting more. We stop striving for better. We build walls and shut down emotions. Damage accrues, and we accept that this is just the way it’s going to be. We allow our marriage to get rusty. But it doesn’t have to be that way. We don’t have to let our marriages coast until they eventually just break down.

No, with a little tender love and care, we can sand down the rust, and get things back up and running! You have this incredible foundation built brick by brick with each memory and moment shared together. Sure it’s not always been easy, prefect, or even ideal, but you’ve made it this far! Don’t stop trying now. Don’t get stuck in a rut that slowly sucks the life out of your marriage.

Break free from the routine and monotony. Forge a new path together, hand-in-hand. Reconnect. Rekindle the love that you’ve shared for all of these years! It’s there; you just need to fan the flames!

Copyright © 2013, Foundation Restoration.  ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. No reproduction allowed without written permission from Foundation Restoration and/or the author.