Listen Up
My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry. –James 1:19
Listening doesn’t come easily for most people. It is a skill that must be cultivated, and it takes time, self-control, and a genuine desire to seek understanding to be proficient listeners. Quite honestly, the inability and unwillingness to listen is one of, if not THE culprit, of most discord in our marriage, family, life, community, and world.
Proverbs 1:5 and 12:15 both speak of the wisdom of listening.
Let the wise listen and add to their learning, and let the discerning get guidance –Proverbs 1:5
The way of fools seems right to them, but the wise listen to advice. –Proverbs 12:15
Human nature is to talk. We want to be heard. We want to be understood. We want to have someone’s undivided attention. We want to be on the receiving end of a listening ear, but we often fail at providing that very same gift to others.
Being a Marriage and Family Therapist, I see the deep desire humans have for connection. The therapeutic relationship is a unique one-way relationship where someone listens intently to all that is on your heart and mind with a posture of empathy, care, inquiry, and a desire to understand. Without understanding our clients, we will miss them, mislead them, perhaps even damage them. Listening is the first and primary skill we are taught and must learn.
Yet, this is so unnatural to the average person.
When someone opens their mouth to share, they are often opening their heart right alongside of it. They are giving you a glimpse into who they are, the way they think, what’s important to them, and what their needs or wants are. Especially in an intimate relationship like with our spouse, communication is and must be more than an exchange of facts and information. To cultivate intimacy (spiritual, emotional, and physical), there must be an intentional pursuit of deeper level conversation with your spouse. This means an exchange of hopes, dreams, fears, faith, struggles, and passions.
As our spouse shares, let’s pause and realize that he/she is opening up a window into who they are. They are communicating that they long to connect with you in a way they aren’t willing or able to connect with just anyone. Each time we have meaningful conversation with our spouse, we are exchanging a piece of the puzzle to our hearts and minds. We are furthering our oneness (Mark 10:8) as husband and wife.
Perhaps that is why the enemy loves to cause confusion and create deception (see John 8:44, 1 Corinthians 14:33, 1 Peter 5:8, 2 Corinthians 2:11). He knows that if he can manipulate, confuse, and deceive, then he can divide and conquer. So why would he not try to destroy the precious, life-giving, unifying, and necessary communication between a husband and wife? I believe more times than not, a breakdown in communication is the enemy of our souls trying to devour our marriage, our mind, and ultimately, our relationship with the Lord.
When we realize that communication is more than words spoken but rather opportunities for connecting with the Creator of the Universe, tethering our hearts to our spouse, and bearing one another’s burdens, it becomes clear that we must do more to cultivate this ability. We must do more to protect it. We must develop our ability to listen: not for our rebuttal but for gaining understanding, insight, connection, and wisdom.
Listening is the language of love! Where there is someone who can genuinely listen, there is love. We all need to ask the Lord and His Holy Spirit to help us in this area because it does not come naturally!
Heavenly Father, You have gifted us with the ability to communicate and grow in understanding. Help us Lord to first and foremost learn to listen to You through Your Word, the quieting of our minds, and the stillness of spending time in Your presence. We bind up a spirit of confusion, and we render the enemy of our souls, marriage, and family powerless through the Name of Jesus. Protect our communication with our spouse and loved ones. Give us a fresh perspective on the gift that communication is. Holy Spirit, enable us to listen wholeheartedly for understanding and insight to those You give us an audience with. May we treasure the hearts of those You’ve entrusted into our care and carefully handle what they share with us. Lord, help us to be better listeners and to ultimately be more like You. Open our ears to hear what You are speaking to us at all times and in all situations. In the Name of Jesus, I pray, Amen!
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A very timely and encouraging article, Ashley. Even after nearly 44 years of marriage, your article speaks to me on a number of levels, but most importantly causes me to be introspective and objective about how I speak to my wife. I’m also reminded by your scriptures that God already wrote The Book on the subject and reading it through the inspiration of the Holy Spirit will give us wisdom and direction in how we speak to others, our family and especially our spouses. Thank you for the enlightenment and obvious heart you have for others and doing God’s will through your life.