By Ashley McIlwain
We are all motivated to do things for various reasons. Money, success, fitness, status, stuff, popularity. Whatever the motivation, we all find some purpose to fuel our day-to-day behaviors and choices. What about in your relationship or marriage? What fuels your actions there?
Your spouse asks you to take out the trash or wash the dishes, what is your reaction? How about when he asks you to run an errand, or she asks you to pick up the kids from school today? Do you joyfully accept, or grumble and complain? Do you put up a fight, angrily comply, or ignore the request completely?
It astounds me how many hoops we will jump through for our jobs, friends, or a hobby. Perhaps it’s the feeling that we have no choice when a boss asks something of us. Maybe it’s just that we want to do it for our friend. It could be that when it’s something that serves our own personal interests, it’s easy to muster up the energy and vigor to tackle a task. Yet, when it comes to our marriage or our spouse, somehow our energy and willingness gets sapped.
This isn’t anything foreign to me personally. There are times where Steve asks me to do something, and I make it clear either with my words or body language that it’s something I don’t want to do whatsoever. It may be because I’m exhausted and just sat down to relax, or I’m just in an irritable mood. But whatever excuse I choose, I begrudgingly meet his request.
When we choose to respond this way, without love or a willing heart, we destroy the blessing of that action. Requests made by our spouse are invitations to love them. When we accept that invitation gladly, we bless them with love. Contrarily, when we do so unwillingly, we steal the blessing and rob them of love.
There are times where you don’t feel like doing something. You’re tired, you’ve had a long day at work, you’ve been burning the candle from both ends, you’re exhausted, and it’s the last thing you feel like doing. We all can relate to those feelings, but we can’t allow our feelings to determine what we do and don’t do. If that’s the case, we will probably do absolutely nothing.
Our culture holds feelings in too high esteem. We say things like, “If it feels good, do it.” Or, “You deserve to be happy.” These selfish motives ultimately lead to dead ends in life. Feelings are like the ocean’s waves; they come and go constantly. They are not a firm foundation to build our decisions upon. Our motivation must be something more stable. If you only went to work when you felt like it, you would be jobless. If you only cooked when you felt like it, you would die. If you only cleaned your home when you felt like it, you’d live in a disaster zone. We cannot love or serve our spouse only when we feel like it, or that too will end tragically.
Doing things around our home, for our spouse, and for our family is a choice and a responsibility. It’s a choice that comes frequently, and it cannot be contingent on whether we feel like it or not. The motivation must run deeper and stronger than that. The motivation must be found in our love and commitment to our spouse and our family. Remember, this an opportunity to love and bless them. And when we bless them, we bless ourselves in the process.
When we are motivated to meet requests from our spouse out of love, the relationship changes for the better. Nagging and complaining will subside, and appreciation and gladness will develop. Instead of feeling miserable and dreading the requests of our spouse, we will discover a newfound joy in seizing those opportunities to communicate our love to him/her. After all, why be miserable doing something that ultimately needs to be done anyway? We make ourselves and our spouse miserable when we approach these tasks so resentfully.
We are all motivated by something. Motivation is what gets us out of bed and on the go. It’s what gets things done and makes things happen. The question is: what is your motivation, and who is reaping the rewards of it?
There are few causes so worthwhile or investments so rewarding as being motivated out of love to bless your spouse in both big and small ways. Whether it’s gladly taking the trash out, picking the kids up from soccer practice, cleaning the house, making a meal, or running an errand, don’t miss the potential that lies within these small but significant opportunities. Grab hold of these blessings by gladly doing them out of love and with love to grow the love in your marriage and home.
Do everything in love. –1 Corinthians 16:14
Copyright © 2013, Foundation Restoration. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. No reproduction allowed without written permission from Foundation Restoration and/or the author.
I love this article. When my boyfriend asks me to do something for him, I know he is not trying to take advantage or be lazy, that his request is coming from a place of love and a placed of needing assitance or needing/wanting love from me in the form of an act of service (side note: his love language!). Because of the mutual respect established between us, it makes me WANT to help him, to meet his need/request because I know it shows him that I love him. In return I know that I can count on him when I need help/love through service.
Delta, how nice that both of you are able to do things for one another out of that mutual respect for each other. It’s nice to want to help one another to communicate that love! Thanks for sharing!