By Ashley McIlwain

Inevitably, as a couple, you will make many big decisions during the course of your relationship. From whether to get married, what kind of wedding you’ll have, kids or no kids, how many kids, where to live, when to buy a house, what kind of house to buy, how to handle finances, to how you will celebrate the holidays, the list of big decisions is endless. That can be a bit overwhelming at times to know where to begin in making the best decision possible for the two of you and your family.

My husband, Steve, and I have had plenty of experience in the big decision making process. The latest being where to live long term, which led to a cross country move. I’m a small town, country girl from Central Pennsylvania, and Steve’s a big city boy from Northern California. Our families are split between the two coasts, and from day one of our dating relationship, the question of where we would end up living long-term loomed over us like a ton of bricks waiting to topple us over.

The amount of conversations we had about where we would ultimately settle down was innumerable. My heart was still always on the East Coast even though I had moved to Southern California, and Steve loved the West Coast. The longer I lived in the hectic city, the more I felt my roots tugging at me. I craved community, simplicity, innocence, charm, and an overall slower pace of life. Steve on the other hand loved the fast-paced, action packed lifestyle that Southern California touted. So, we constantly went back and forth as we tried to tackle the issue of finding a happy medium.

I wish I could say the process was an easy one, but it wasn’t. There were tears and frustrations, debates and concerns, and at times it seemed as though we’d never find a place that we both loved that would accommodate all of our individual and couple needs. But, after years and years of discussions, prayer, and searching, we did ultimately make a decision and went for it.

The question isn’t whether or not you will be faced with big decisions as a couple. The answer to that is a resounding, “Most definitely you will face many big decisions!” Big decisions are a good thing though. While at times frustrating and even angering, they are also wonderful opportunities for your relationship. They develop your communication skills, conflict resolution skills, and ultimately bring you closer as a couple when you tackle them together. The trick is to face the decision making process together as a team.

How? Here is a basic outline to get you off and running with the process. Try to look at it as an adventure you’re embarking on, and you just need to develop a road map for it.

Identify the Decision – First things first. Before you can answer a question, you have to know what the actual question is. Before you can tackle a problem, you need to know what the problem is. The same is true in making a decision. Before you can make a decision, you have to identify the decision to be made. Sounds kind of obvious, but you’d be surprised how many people have a different idea of what the actual decision is they are trying to make.

As a couple, you want to make sure you’re both clear on what the decision is that you’re trying to sort out. So take a second to ask each other: What decision is it that you think we are ultimately making here? Then make sure that, through the course of this conversation, you identify the one main decision you collaboratively need to make. This will help you in the steps to follow … it’s like your due North.

Discuss the Options – Now that you have a main decision identified, you can begin the process of making it. That starts with discussing the options. What are some of the possible outcomes? For example, in Steve’s and my decision on where to live, here were some of our options:

  1. Stay put. Remain in Southern California, and figure out how to make it home.
  2. Move closer to where one of our family members lived just to be close to family but not necessarily in a location we loved.
  3. Figure out a place that appealed to both of us and move there.

You could have a list of a dozen options or just two, but sit down together and make that list. One common problem to decision making is just the enormity of it, so we put off making a decision. Making this list helps focus you and remind you that a decision does need to be made at some point. This step can also make the right option pretty apparent, which brings me to the next step.

Each Weigh the Options – Most likely when you look at your list of options, some will jump out at you as not really an option. For Steve and I, when we looked at our options, we knew that options 1 and 2 weren’t really good options. We needed to figure out a place where both of us wanted to be even if that meant big changes.

As you look at your list of options as a couple, take time to each share how you feel about your possibilities. Do any of them scare you? Jump out to you? Appeal to you? Begin narrowing down your options and try to select just one. This may take several conversations and some time. You both may need to digest the obvious or not so obvious ones and what that could mean long term. This is where I would encourage you to pray over your options together that the Lord would make His perfect will for your lives known. Be patient with this step and sensitive to one another’s opinions and feelings. Remember, it’s a big decision which can entail a lot of emotion. Being sensitive yet honest will make the process go a lot more smoothly.

Make a Decision – Once you have both had the opportunity to discuss the options, express your honest thoughts and feelings, and ultimately narrow them down, it’s time to make a decision. Prolonging or ignoring a decision doesn’t make it any easier. In fact, delaying making a decision often complicates it. Have faith in your decision-making skills and the process you’ve just gone through, and make the decision you need to make. Ask the Lord to give you the strength, wisdom, favor, and unity to proceed with your decision.

Take Action – Making the decision is one thing, but now it’s time to give life to that choice. What are the steps you need to take to actually do what you’ve decided to do? Come up with that plan of attack together including a potential timeline. There’s obviously flexibility here because God’s timing is not always ours, but try to at least have a framework for putting your decision into action.

For us, our plan of action included steps like:

  1. Make a list of places that appeal to each of us.
  2. Research those places.
  3. Begin visiting those locations to figure out which is actually a good fit for us.
  4. Do job searching in that area and apply.
  5. Plan the move.

Making a decision isn’t the only objective. That’s just the start line with an end goal. You’ve got to actually put that decision into action or making the decision is pointless

Throughout your relationship, you will inevitably face many big decisions. Try not to look at them as the elephant in the room, and don’t allow them to become the stumbling block in your relationship. Instead, look at them as a puzzle for you and your spouse to work on together. It’s an adventure, opportunity, and ultimately, a victory for your relationship.

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