By Ashley McIlwain

I feel like everywhere I turn someone is attacking or doubting the validity, significance, benefits, and splendor of marriage. It grieves my heart because marriage rocks. It really does, and I think a lot of why we’ve lost our sense of appreciation for it is because we’ve screwed it up so badly. We’ve morphed it into a watered-down, politically correct relationship that leaves us with a version very far from the real deal.

Ask someone what marriage is, and they will likely give you some variation of “two people in love.” (Insert obnoxious “wrong” buzzer sound.) Wrong answer!

Yes, that is part of it, but that’s really not the heart of it. Marriage is and requires much more than that. This is where we need to take a few steps back … to love. What is love? What does it mean? What does it look like? Our definition of love as a society in general has fundamentally sent our marriages and expectations of marriage whirling in the wrong direction.

Love is not a feeling. Love is not lust. Love is not that warm, tingly sensation you get all over your body when you see someone. Love is not attraction. Love is not fleeting. We do not simply fall in and out of love.

Shocking, right?

That’s what many believe love to be, but that’s the Hollywood version. And that is why so many people find themselves disappointed by, hurt from, and devastated with “love.” That version is a façade … a fake … a phony and fleeting version that has nothing to do with the real deal.

So, what is love then?

Love is a choice. It’s a rock solid, unwavering decision and commitment to do everything and anything in your power to care for, nurture, protect, cultivate, romance, and affirm someone else. Not because it’s self-serving but because it’s selfless and ultimately, other-oriented. It’s choosing someone over and over regardless of feelings, circumstances, or any other variable. It’s timeless and tenacious, and it requires a lot of work and effort.

True love doesn’t just show up on your doorstep, and it also doesn’t just vanish into thin air. It is either maintained through blood, sweat, and tears, or it is neglected and mistreated until it dies. It’s more stable than we think, and yet should be treated as if it’s the most fragile things we’ve encountered because of how precious and valuable it really is.

John 15:12-13 says, “Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.” Did Jesus really just say that loving someone means dying for them? Yes! That was the example He set for us as to just how serious it is when we say that we love someone. It means we’re all in!

Marriage has to have true love. Any other romanticized version is just a smokescreen that will fail you the second you hit a bump in the road. If you are expecting to always feel in love, you’re going to be disappointed.

Yes, marriage is hard, and sometimes it hurts. There are moments of frustration and seasons of drought. There are times where you wonder what you’re doing or what you’ve done. There are valleys that test your vows, and there are trials that will push you to your limits. It’s not always glamorous, romantic, or even happy.

But …

That’s what you signed up for! On your wedding day, you vowed before God, family, and friends to stick it out with your spouse through hell and high water until death do you part. That was a very serious, lifelong, no-escape clause commitment that is more binding than any contract you’ve ever signed.

So, now what? Are you just supposed to be miserable for the rest of your life?

First of all, no one can make you miserable. That’s entirely on you whether you allow yourself to be miserable or not. Secondly, you made that vow for a reason. You love this person. You chose this person. This person is someone you want to do life with no matter what. Thirdly, your marriage is what you make of it. Having a bad attitude about your spouse and marriage is hardly going to set your up for success.

Once we get over the selfish, immature view of love and the idea that our marriage is all about us and how our spouse serves our wants and needs, we give ourselves the freedom to enjoy it. Because marriage is exciting, liberating, and fun. There’s nothing like it, and it is truly one of the greatest joys of this lifetime.

It’s having that partner in crime and co-pilot to navigate through life with. It’s having someone to hug at the end of the day and the perfect snuggle partner on a rainy one. It’s that one person you can truly be yourself around and still be loved and adored … and vice versa. It’s magical and exciting. It’s laughing at the silly things you’ve done together and smiling at the tough things you’ve overcome. It’s going to sleep next to the love of your life and awakening to their handsome/beautiful face in the morning. It makes saying goodbye to them stink but saying hello to them thrilling. It’s having someone to share your brokenness with and relish the joys of life together. It’s a sleepover every night. It’s holding hands with those familiar fingers. It’s completing one another’s sentences and having conversations you’ll remember forever. It’s road trips and date nights. It’s laughter and tears. It’s familiar, intimate, and comforting. It’s a lover that touches your very soul. It’s growing up and growing old together. It’s family vacations and holiday traditions. It’s pillow fights and warm summer nights. It’s looking back on a lifetime of memories and smiling contently that you made it, against all the odds, you made it … together.

Marriage Rocks

In life we face so many issues, struggles, and stresses. It seems we are in a constant battle for our lives, and I think that’s why God gave us marriage. He knew that we needed that one person who would always have our back, strengthening, encouraging, praying, and loving us amidst the storms of life. He knew that we needed the refinement that comes from two lives trying to work in tandem as well as the companionship of someone who would always stick it out with us. He knew that we needed a tangible reminder that there is an all-powerful, gracious, loving God who indeed cares for, guides, and protects us.

Is it always perfect? No! Marriage isn’t always perfect, but it’s always worth it. And honestly, it’s way better than any movie, novel, or Hollywood notion. And to all of those nay-sayers out there? They don’s know what they’re talking about. Marriage is the most rewarding, unique, transformative, and joy-giving relationship, but you’ve got to do your part. A good start? Realizing that marriage rocks!

Copyright © 2013, Foundation Restoration.  ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. No reproduction allowed without written permission from Foundation Restoration and/or the author.