Two Lists

By Steve McIlwain

Hubs here.

I keep lists for pretty much everything.  I have multiple to-do lists for work.  I have a list of to-dos around our place.  A list of things I want to buy, restaurants I’d like to eat at, places I’d like to visit, movies I wanna see.  It goes on and on.  I’m constantly updating my lists: adding items, crossing off things I’ve done, and re-arranging priorities.

There’s another list I keep.  It’s not official or written down anywhere.  Most of the time I’m not even sure that I consciously think about it … but I definitely have it.  It’s a list of my wife’s good stuff and a list of her bad stuff.

Everyone has strengths and growth areas.  There are things you are naturally gifted at that come almost effortlessly.  Then there are things that you constantly struggle with; sometimes for your entire life.  As a spouse, you have a front row seat to all of those aspects of your significant other.  You see the exciting events and successes.  You also see the devastating failures, annoying habits, and flat out train-wreck days.  There it is: the good and the bad, fully exposed for you to see and interact with daily.  As a result, these two lists are constantly being updated, prioritized, re-prioritized, and scrutinized.

During the early stages of your relationship, chances are that your list was very one-sided.  The good list was endless, and the bad list was non-existent or extremely short.  Even the somewhat annoying and iffy stuff got the benefit of the doubt.  Potentially annoying habits were categorized as “cute & quirky” on your list, therefore making the positive checklist.  Your view of your significant other was bright, optimistic, and positive.

As the years go by, the bad list starts to fill out.  Traits are discovered like landmines that shift off of the good list and onto the bad one.  Over time items slowly shift from the positive side to the negative.  Things that were once fun, cute, or attractive gradually morph into annoying, frustrating, or infuriating.  Monotony takes hold, converting the appealing into unattractive.  As time marches on, your knight in shining armor or damsel in distress transforms into a fire breathing dragon.

Before you know it, her chronic issues are all hers to figure out on her own; his lack of motivation or anger issues are his to work out.  Married couples that once acted as a cohesive team, shouldering each other’s burdens together, become solo artists struggling through their issues in solitude.  Instead of focusing on the positive and trying to encourage the negative to improve, the undesirable portion of your spouse takes center stage.  This negative cycle perpetuates itself in a downward spiral.

With that in mind: which list do you fixate on?  Do your spouse’s negative traits drive you crazy?  Are you absorbed with all the things they do wrong?  Is each mistake they make further confirmation that you married a stoic jerk or overly emotional basket case?   If you’ve found yourself in a place of focusing on the negative, rest assured, you’re certainly not alone.  However, that is probably a signal that it’s time to begin an upward trend.

If you’ve found yourself in a pessimistic spiral, I encourage you to make one list: all the good stuff about your spouse.  Sit down and write down all the great qualities and attributes of your other half.  Keep it with you, and refer to it in times of frustration.  Add to it when you discover something new.  Let it serve as a lighthouse to you during difficult times with your spouse.  The more you focus on the amazing qualities of them, the happier you’ll be and the more you can speak into their life to help them improve the bad.

The point of this isn’t to solely concentrate on the good and literally ignore the rest.  Every single one of us has areas in our lives to improve, and you have a unique opportunity as a spouse to help your husband/wife work through their issues.  When you positively support, encourage, and appreciate their strengths, you open the door to also be able to have honest conversations about growth areas, and you should definitely have honest conversations about growth areas.  The key is to ensure that these growth areas don’t become the central viewpoint you have of your spouse.

Marriage is all about give and take; you give grace and you take grace.  Don’t fall into the trap of thinking of that you’re the only one that does that.  Focus on giving grace, showing love, and appreciating the phenomenal stuff your spouse does.  Make a list of what makes them amazing, and spend the rest of your life adding to that list.

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