By Ashley McIlwain
This is a special message to our non-married readers …
Heartbreak is devastating, which is probably why people avoid it like the plague. We would pretty much rather endure anything aside from a heartbreak, which explains why so many of us stay in unhealthy, unsatisfying, demoralizing relationships that we know aren’t what we want, need, or deserve.
I understand … completely.
In college I was in a relationship for nearly four years. I had “fallen in love” and was committed to making it work no matter what. And boy did I go through no matter what. It was an unhealthy relationship that left me daily frustrated, confused, hurt, and all around distraught. Everyone around me begged and pleaded for me to see the light, but I refused. I was going to stick it out if it was the death of me.
To be honest, it really was nearly to the death of me. Physically the stress of the relationship took its toll leading to many health complications, doctor’s visits, and testing. Emotionally I was drained, worn out, and a mess. I didn’t even recognize the person I had become. My joy was gone, and I felt like a shell of a person going through the motions of life.
Despite all of this, I was so stubborn. I didn’t want to let go of my relationship. I argued that I was too invested, things were getting better, and they weren’t all that bad. Yet, I knew it was all a lie. A lie that I wanted so badly to be the truth. I hid the truth from others and, oftentimes, myself. I decided to silently suffer through the pain of my far-from-a-fairytale relationship because that’s all I had known, and it was easier to stay in a relationship I knew than to step out of it into a world unknown.
Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we believe that lie that at some point things will magically get better? Why do we convince ourselves that mediocre, unhealthy, or even horrific relationships are better than none at all?
In my previous relationship I remember the constant, daily heartbreak I faced. Trying to convince someone you love to love you, to value you, to treat you with care, is a nightmare. Enduring the destructive behaviors, the harmful patterns, and the lies in the name of “love.” Begging that person to treat you like a human let alone someone they claim to love. Being humiliated, isolated, and demeaned just so they can go about their business without regard to how it affects you. At one point I was convinced I was crazy because the simplest of wants and needs were denied and considered preposterous and lofty. It made me withdrawal from my friends and family while other times I lashed out in desperation.
I could go on and on, but the point is, many of us stay in these damaging relationships that we know aren’t God’s best simply because the familiar seems better than the unfamiliar. We silence those God-given alarms screaming for our attention and cover-up the red flags that desperately plea and warn us because we just don’t want to face heartbreak. We worry that we won’t find better or maybe anyone at all. Will we be doomed to loneliness and singlehood the rest of our lives? Where do you start in starting over? How do you begin to heal?
The thing is, there is only one thing you need to worry about, and that is simply walking away. That’s the first step and the only one that matters right now. Don’t concern yourself with the destination; just make sure to begin the journey.
If it’s heartbreak that you’re worried about then, consider that if you don’t experience this one-time heartbreak from your break-up, you will be faced with daily heartbreak for the rest of your life. Don’t wait until you’re married and stuck. Don’t allow it to get to the point of marriage where so many then find themselves dealing with the complete devastation of divorce. Now is the time to make the call.
My husband said something to me the other night that was so powerful. He said, “If 1 out of every 2 marriages ends in divorce, then that means 1 out of every 2 engaged couples shouldn’t have gotten married to begin with.” Why do we silence the Holy Spirit’s warnings? Why do we head for the cliff full-speed ahead? We’re more afraid of hitting the breaks than falling off the cliff!
Why I am telling you this is because, by the grace of God, I slammed on the breaks in my previous relationship. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do because what I didn’t mention was that we were engaged. In fact, it was just months before our wedding day that I had the realization that this was not the life I wanted … for either of us. At that point, I prayed a prayer of submission to God asking for His will to be done and the strength to walk away. I knew I needed to, but I also knew I needed God’s help to make it happen. To finally muster up the strength, courage, and willpower to walk away from what I had known for nearly four years into the unknown took divine intervention.
Here is where the message of hope comes in.
You want to know what’s on the other side of heartbreak? Hope and healing. A new day. A new chapter.
It’s not that you won’t go through pain and hurt. Of course you’ll have moments of fear and doubt. There will be times you miss that person and wonder about your future without them. It’s not that the days ahead are easy, but they are worthwhile. They are days far better than staying in an unsatisfying, mediocre, poorly suited, or even abusive relationship.
After my break-up, I realized the importance of selecting a spouse not just allowing my emotions and attraction to cloud my judgment. Love is a choice not a feeling, and that’s important to realize. I began to contemplate the qualities I wanted and needed in a husband and partner. I gave thought to what I wanted my relationship to look like, and where I wanted out of life. As I thought about those things and went about my business, God blessed my obedience.
Steve.
Into my life came the love of my life. My knight in shining armor. The man I wanted and needed but didn’t think existed. I had such peace in my spirit and knew that this was the man God intended for me to go through this life with.
We have been married now for nearly four and a half years, and every day I find another reason why I love my husband. He adores me. He loves me. He protects and leads me. He gives me courage and inspires me to be all that God’s called me to be. He lives his life in a way that honors God and protects our marriage. I trust his judgment and cherish his integrity. I look at him every day and think, “I have the best husband in the world.” Honestly, I have asked God how I ever deserved such an amazing man, and I know it’s because I trusted Him. I allowed Him to write my love story instead of me taking the reins and bulldozing His delicate and intricate plan.
Don’t get me wrong; Steve and I have our issues and arguments. We’re far from perfect, but we’re a beautiful mess. We work hard at our relationship, and as a result, we reap the rewards. The thing isn’t to find a perfect person or a perfect relationship but one that has all the makings to be amazing. One that is worth the work. One that makes this life bearable and beautiful on the darkest of days. One that you look at and see God’s goodness and love for you.
What’s on the other side of heartbreak? God’s best. Take it from someone who has gone through it. When you know that the relationship you’re in is not the right one (and if you dig deep and get honest with yourself, you know), it is far better to call it off before the “I dos” then after. When I look at my husband and our marriage, I would take a million heartbreaks just to be with him for one single day.
Don’t allow fear of the unknown to keep you in a desolate known. Just like tearing off a Band-Aid hurts for a moment, so will your break-up. But better a moment of pain than a lifetime of it. A moment of pain can lead to a lifetime of love. On the other side of heartbreak is a horizon with a beautiful sunrise marking a new day.
Copyright © 2013, Foundation Restoration. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. No reproduction allowed without written permission from Foundation Restoration and/or the author.
Wow. Well crafted.Needed.Both the article and the hope.
Thanks GR! I appreciate the feedback!
Thank you for this amazing article. It hits home. I went through this exact same situaton without the being engaged part, but God made it clear that he did not want me in a relationship where I had to beg for love, time and faithfulness.
Being obedient and trusting God can be very difficult but SO worth it.
Again, thank you Ashley for contributing to my healing process.
Vianney, thank you so much for sharing and for your kind words of encouragement! Submitting our love life to God can be so much easier said than done, but it’s definitely worth it. He is faithful and wants the very best for each of us! One of our other readers said it brought to mind – “Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life” Proverbs 4:23. So true! It’s wonderful to hear from you; thank you for sharing!
Thank you for sharing this very personal story. I went through something VERY similar in college, and it nearly destroyed my health and, truly, my future. The relationship alienated me from friends and family, undermined my confidence in myself and in my faith, and many other awful things. Yet I was determined to make it work. Once I finally tore myself away from it — it was hard because he was my first love, and there was enough good for me to overlook the bad for almost 3 years — I finally realized just how dysfunctional the whole thing was. Though it took awhile for the dust to settle, the actual healing began almost immediately. Though it was painful and scary at the time, I am so thankful to God that He gave me the wisdom to end that relationship before it progressed to marriage. Awhile later I fell in love and married someone else, and though we too have our issues and arguments like almost every couple, I know that we have a solid foundation — not one built on manipulation, jealousy, or other harmful things that are not of God. I have a theory that as Christian women we are often taught that dating is a kind of practice for marriage, so we feel we must hang on even when it’s just not working. Thank you for pointing out that this isn’t healthy, and that God has a better plan!
Emily, I had no idea you had gone through something so similar. I think you are right about the “practice for marriage.” In one sense dating is practice for marriage in that we shouldn’t be reckless in our choices and behaviors, but on the other hand, we AREN’T married, so we shouldn’t feel obligated to a dating relationship in the same way we are when we’re married. It’s definitely so hard to tear yourself away from someone you love, but when you know it’s unhealthy, dysfunctional, or just not the right fit, you have to do it. As we both learned, it’s well worth it! Thank you SO much for sharing your story! It just further shows God’s goodness and faithfulness when we pursue His plan and not ours!
Wow, such a powerful post. I too remember the day when I hit the breaks to my dysfunctional relationship. It was difficult, but I thank God for the strength to do so. I was blessed by my obedience and patients and met my spouse God picked just for me. Now almost 5 1/2 years later we are still loving, learning, laughing, and forgiving.
Lauren, thank you so much for sharing! How encouraging to hear of another amazing success story that came out of heartbreak! God really does give beauty to ashes if we just allow Him to. What a blessing! Thank you!
Hi I found this sooo encouraging and great I can relate 100% it was nice reading something that I pondered myself ” just be obedient and leave this relationship Rebecca (I told myself) better to hurt a little while than for a lifetime”
Thanks so much for posting this 🙂 x
Rebecca, I am so glad that you found encouragement in this article! I have never regretted submitting my relationship to God. When I laid it at His feet, He gave me the strength to walk away from it and to His very best for me! You’re right on — “it’s better to hurt a little while than for a lifetime!” Thanks for sharing!
Your welcome! ps: don’t know if you remember I’m the one you was helping in terms of Christian friends, then I started having suicidal thoughts, I’m happy to say god has planted me in a great church and Im healed form those thoughts thanks to his grace 🙂
Thanks for all your help in the past.
🙂
Rebecca, I do remember, and I literally have tears streaming down my face at your praise report! You have been on my heart and in my prayers on many occasions since you first reached out in despair, and I am rejoicing that God has orchestrated your healing and community!!! Thank you so much for the update — what an amazing source of encouragement and gratitude! May God continue to walk beside you in the days ahead!
Thank you, godbless 🙂
And thanks for praying! lots of love Becca X
Thank you for this post. Your testimony is very encouraging! I’m in the full on process of a breakup after 3.5 years of a relationship. The pain feels fresh, even if its been 2 months since calling it quits. As you pointed out, I also didn’t leave that relationship earlier because I felt too invested. Due to that decision, my health suffered consequences too. He started being meaner toward me the longer we stayed in this unfruitful relationship. Everything I did or suggestion I offered irritated him. Very short tempered. I realized then that this is not the kind of person I want to spend my life with. I remember i asked my mother if his attitude and irritation was normal in a relationship. I was so confused. Many times I tried rescuing the relationship, but all the efforts were one sided. It’s so cliché to say, but I finally understand you can’t change or what I thought “influence” someone to change to be the best they could be, unless that will comes directly from the person. I swear, God has our best interest in mind. This recent breakup was like no other. I broke up with him before, but I was so weak that I’d reach out to him within a week. This time I felt was different. Now the icing of the cake & God’s power: I left him and stated I couldn’t take the mistreatment, and he was absolutely okay with that decision. Ge even suggested to help me find a place to move out. I was surprised he didn’t have any sympathy. The day I left, I didn’t tell him. Right before I left with things already packed in car, I discovered he was emotionally vested with a coworker for months. That right there was the reality check, slap in the face, wake up call I needed to close that book. I discovered this truth right before I drove off to my new destination. That truth has given me the strength not to fall back into old, unhealthy habits of getting back together after a few weeks. It hurts a lot and he’s not sorry for anything. I’ve also had malicious thoughts of revenge since it turns out woman may be legally married, but I’m praying to God to help me because that is not what our Lord would do. I’m truly understanding the meaning of turning the other cheek.
I wanted to ask you, when you were dealing with your heartbreak, how do you deal with kn knowing that the person you once loved would be with someone else? I understand the importance of realizing there is hope on the other side of the heartbreak. But how do you truly let go of that illusion or bitterness that they’ve moved on with someone else?
Jackie, thanks for taking the time to share so openly about your own situation and heartbreak. You’ve overcome a lot, and I am proud of your strength to walk away from a long-term relationship with someone who did not cherish and value you as he should have. It’s amazing how long it can take us to fully see, realize, and accept that we are in an unhealthy relationship that isn’t God’s perfect will for us. I’m thankful He gave you the strength to wake up and walk away. The important thing now is to not along that bitter seed of anger, resentment, and revenge to take root in your heart. That only hurts you and keeps you from being able to heal and move forward in your life. If Satan can’t kill, steal, or destroy us one way, he will try another. Slam that door in his face, and offer up forgiveness to your ex for his sake, but more for your sake! Forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves really.
As for your question on how do you let go of that person emotionally and mentally. This is a process. Unfortunately, the more involved we are with someone, the more challenging it is to just move on and forget about them. For me, every time I would think of my ex, I would just invite the Lord into those moments. I would ask Him to open my eyes, close my heart, and give me the strength to continue to move forward into the future He had for me. It was an incredible time of developing my faith and relationship with Christ as I realized how deep my dependence was on Him. Don’t torture yourself with seeking out information on him, get rid of memorabilia that can hearken up the past, and speak truth to yourself about the relationship (i.e., The Lord made a way of escape for me. I long for a man who will cherish and treasure me. He cheated on and hurt me, and that is not what I want in my life.). Don’t allow yourself to continue in those thought patterns of him … say a prayer, read the Bible, go for a run, call a friend … but refuse to go back to that slavery, even if it’s just in your mind!
Praying the Lord heals your heart and mind as you latch on to the good plans He has in store for you!
Ashley,
God bless you! Your response was so genuine and your words were so filling. This beautiful interaction is a clear manifestation as to how God uses His sons and daughters as messengers to help others.
My healing process has been a bumpy ride emotionally, but I feel that Jesus hasn’t abandoned me in this process. Since I wrote to you, I have seen such a drastic improvement. Christ has been so patient and loving, even when I’m being tormented by Satan. Like you said, it’s definitely a process. I also agree with you regarding spirituality/faith growth–mine has become stronger and I realized my dependence on Him too. Great advice about seeking refuge in God’s word, especially in weak moments. That’s been my #1 method! My spirituality along with other aspects in my life has flourished. I read somewhere something like: how can a flower blossom/flourish in such rigid/harsh conditions? We are the flowers and capable of blooming–all of us, we just have to take care of ourselves!
Thank you for helping so many people with different aspects of their romantic relationships through your organization and field of study. I’ve now subscribed to your FB page and will follow your work (hey, perhaps down the road I’ll be reading about marriage advice since I hope God will bless me with an awesome husband someday!) Knowledge is power. At least for me, I’d never experienced anything like this before, having been so vulnerable, honest, open, in love and to ultimately be betrayed. People like you help people like me understand their feelings a little better and comfort them by letting them know that we’re not alone.
Thank you, thank you, thank you!
Jackie, thank you for sharing your heart! You have some beautiful thoughts, and I was encouraged in many ways by your words! Christ does have something for you; He loves and cherishes you more than you could ever comprehend! Praying that you have continued to see His hand, provision, and love in your life! I’m grateful for your openness and honesty as well as your sweet encouragement!