By Ashley McIlwain
From across the room I watch him. There’s a gentleness in his eyes and an ease in his movements that bring me comfort. The concentration on his handsome face puts a smile on mine. Somehow he embodies strength and tenderness all at the same time. As he strums away at his guitar, I can’t help but admire this incredible man … the man that I married.
What I’ve come to realize in my time with my husband, Steve, is that the greatest joy of this world is getting to love someone.
It’s been nearly six years since he asked me to be his girlfriend, nearly five since he asked me to marry him, and we will be celebrating four years of marriage in just a few months. I can truly say that these years with him have been the best of my life. Each moment with him seems to gain momentum carrying with it more joy, happiness, and excitement than the one preceding it. With each passing day, I find another reason why I admire and respect him as a husband, man, and friend.
Sure we have our ups and downs, but there is not one person I would rather work through those hills and valleys with than him. He makes it all worthwhile, and I know that no matter what we face, we will face it together. He is always by my side, and I thank God for the strength and encouragement that reality constantly brings with it. To know that there is nothing in this world I have to face without him is a reminder of God’s goodness in my life.
When I look at him, my heart wells up with admiration and love. And though I think to myself, “It’s impossible to love someone any more than I love this man,” the next day brings with it an even deeper love for him. Honestly, there are times I think my heart might burst with the love that I have for him. It’s a love that runs more deeply than I could have ever imagined possible.
Getting married to Steve wasn’t just an act of passion and emotion. Although I was definitely overwhelmed with emotions for him, I was making an intentional commitment and vow to stand by his side no matter what for the rest of our lives. It was a vow I made to him, myself, our friends and family, and to God. I took it very seriously, and I work very hard at intentionally living that out daily.
It’s easy in time to get comfortable and complacent in a marriage, but I don’t ever want to allow that to happen. I want to choose daily to be thankful for him and show him that I love him. Sometimes that means simply making him dinner, and other times it means planning something special and spectacular for him. Each day is a new opportunity to see him as the blessing that he is and act accordingly.
The thing that I’ve come to realize over the years, not just intellectually but in the depths of my very soul, is that a successful marriage is a choice. It’s a choice to love when you don’t feel it. It’s a choice to express gratitude when the opportunity presents itself. It’s a choice to deliberately make your spouse feel special and adored. It’s a choice to forsake all others for him in every way. It’s a choice to esteem him higher than myself. It’s a series of choices made daily and consistently to treasure your spouse and work hard at your marriage.
When I chose Steve out of the nearly 3.4 billion men of this world, I did so because I knew in my heart and head that he was the absolute best. Since then I have come to learn that I underestimated him. He is better than I imagined, hoped for, or thought possible. I don’t want to be and can’t afford to be careless with him – his heart, his life, and his aspirations.
Sometimes I think that people forget why they married someone. They stop seeing their spouse as a prized and precious treasure, and start viewing him/her as a burden or aggravation. Instead of focusing on the positives, they can only see the negatives. When we can’t mold our spouse into the person we want him/her to be or to do the things we want them to do, we throw our hands up in disgust. We are willing to walk away saying, “I’m not happy anymore. I deserve to be happy.”
This always breaks my heart because those are the people that will most likely chase “happiness” unsuccessfully to the end of their life. Marriage isn’t perfect. Our spouse isn’t perfect. We aren’t perfect. That’s not the goal though – perfection or happiness. Marriage is supposed to be this lifelong, binding commitment that we make and keep. Therein lies the joy and fulfillment.
A successful marriage comes from living out the commitment you made to honor, love, and cherish your spouse.
As I look at Steve, I see everything good in this world. Not because we are perfect or our marriage is perfect but because we will never stop trying. We are in this for life, and there is an intimacy and depth of friendship, love, and fulfillment that comes with that and is incomparable to any other relationship that exists. It’s an indescribably comforting and exhilarating sensation.
While there are times in marriage that you feel exasperated, frustrated, or perplexed, there is one thing I know beyond a shadow of a doubt: it’s worth it. I will take the bad any day because the good ones are so much better. Married life is as good as it gets; I truly believe that.
Wrapping my arms around Steve and feeling his around me, I experience the joy of loving. Looking into his eyes and him looking into mine, there is the immeasurable joy. Holding his hand, being in his company, laughing with him, making his smile … therein lays the joy. Making him feel like the world’s most amazing, adored, and loved man … that’s the true joy of loving.
Copyright © 2012, Foundation Restoration. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. No reproduction allowed without written permission from Foundation Restoration and/or the author.
I appreciate this post for many interesting points. However, the one that sticks out from the crowd is that “The Joy of Loving” is about a choice made.
There’s no perfection here on Earth, otherwise, what are we doing still here. Ruth and I find ourselves in the thirteenth year of our marriage, and considering both the achievements, as well as the struggles, we’ve experienced, we made the choice that we would be the team to experience them.
I have many single friends who are happy, and I have separated/divorced friends who are happier now. I do not discount their lives, especially as I sometimes live off of the high energy levels of their beaming personalities.
I can state for a fact that the relationships of people I connect with who become engaged and enter a marriage that they later share with me a “new level” they experience in their relationship… not just the “I’m in Cloud 9 with my true love,” but also the “Given what just happened in our marriage, I would not want to help rebuild what we almost lost, with my husband/wife.”
It took a leap of faith to make the choice to love Ruth, choosing her from other females I’ve met, or had not yet met. Ruth reciprocated with her choice (and, yes, unfortunately she chose the one dude who can’t dance, has a crazy sense of humor, etc.). However, I have faith that my choice was the correct one…the choice that I look forward to protect us from too much sorry to bear alone…the choice that I look forward to experiencing many lessons in life.
Reggie, thanks so much for joining the conversation! It’s great to hear your thoughts. I agree that perfection doesn’t exist on Earth; it’s a journey of growth and development in so many areas of our lives. And yes, marriage isn’t just a euphoric, “Cloud 9” emotion, but in time, through all of the ups and downs of life, it is an deeper, more intimate love that is tough to describe. I particularly like that you said “the choice that I look forward to protect us.” That really stood out to me because our marriages are definitely something we have to protect. Congratulations on 13 years of marriage to your wife Ruth!
My pleasure, Ashley … and thank you for the kind words!
Great article!! But actually, I’m the LUCKY one!! You are an amazing wife and each day with you just keeps getting better!!!!
Hubs, how did I get to be so blessed?! Through you, I see God’s goodness, and I am so very thankful! xox