By Ashley McIlwain
Whether you have been married for one day or for a century, there is one universal truth. You will always and forever have to continue to work at your marriage.
Often times we assume that there is a point and time in the life of a marriage where you are “over the hump.” A moment when you can turn on cruise control and coast through the remainder of your life with ease, comfort, and little to no effort. Surely after five, ten, twenty, or fifty years, the need to fight for your marriage diminishes, right?
Wrong!
Yes, there are seasons of marriage that run more smoothly than others, but there is never a season where it is self-propelled. In fact, it is that very concept that lands many couples in my office for therapy. That’s also where the “we just grew apart” myth is birthed.
Think of it this way … if you simply showed up to work and sat there doing nothing, would you still have a job? Sure, you were physically present, but you contributed nothing. It wouldn’t be long before you and your career “grew apart.” It’s not just about physically being somewhere; it’s about what we do once we get there. A car left in neutral will go nowhere. We must engage the car and push the gas pedal to go places. Marriage is no different.
If we want our marriage to go somewhere, if we want to head in the same direction as our spouse, if we want to grow together, then we must engage. We have to invest in it, work at it, and contribute something. We can’t just physically show up but be emotionally and mentally checked out. A tremendous amount of energy, effort, and intentionality must consistently and constantly be poured into a marriage if it’s to both survive and thrive.
Here are a few simple ways to engage with your spouse regardless of how long you have been married:
- Make eye contact
Oftentimes when we are talking or even just sitting together with our spouse, we fail to make eye contact. It may be that we are looking around observing our surroundings, on our phone multi-tasking, or glancing back and forth from the TV screen. Eye contact is one of the best and easiest ways to engage with our spouse and focus our attention on him/her. It also ensures that we are actually listening to him/her. Don’t be distracted and miss out on what your spouse is saying. Being the one our spouse wants to share with is an honor and a privilege! We only need to see it as such. Conversation with eye contact is an easy way to connect with your spouse.
- Express love and gratitude
The longer we are married, the easier it is to forget that we need to let our spouse know that we love and appreciate him/her. Surely he/she knows by now though, right? Well, let’s hope so, but that isn’t the point. The point of expressing love and gratitude is not to create a newsflash so much as it is to reinforce and remind our spouse that today you are continuing to love and appreciate him/her. You simply can never say, “I love you!” or, “I appreciate you!” too many times.
- Make time for one another
We get caught up in our routine, and like a well-oiled machine, we fulfill our role and responsibilities without giving it much of a thought. Except, we do need to give it thought because busyness is one of the biggest threats to marriage. It’s vital to carve out time for one another. To fan the flames of love. To pursue our spouse. To build that friendship. To enjoy that person you chose to do life with. It is important to schedule date nights at least once a month and to find time daily to be with one another. Even if it’s fifteen minutes, make those fifteen minutes count. You cannot grow together if you aren’t spending time together.
- Be affectionate
Everyone’s level of desired affection varies, but non-sexual, physical touch is crucial to a marriage. It’s in those tender touches that much is communicated. Hugs are shown to minimize stress, and it can be a beautiful reminder that you are holding onto one another come what may. Those sweet kisses are little love notes. Holding hands is a reassurance that you’re in it together. Affection is a simple and loving way to savor your spouse.
- Never stop learning
No matter how long you are married to your spouse, there is always something new to learn about him/her. We are constantly changing, and there is an infinite amount of things we can discover about our spouse if we only ask. Like a student, we must always keep learning about our spouse. Keep discovering who they are. It is in that search for knowledge that we keep things fresh, lively, and exciting.
Marriage is an adventure. Like a rollercoaster ride, it twists and turns, thrills and excites. There are ebbs and flows, vivacious seasons and seasons of drought, times of joy and moments of sorrow, flashes of ecstasy and ones of exacerbation, but the overall journey of marriage is what you make of it. There is no neutral, no cruise control, and no auto-pilot. There’s only you and your spouse continuously working on your marriage to make it that haven and sanctuary.
No matter how long you’ve been married, your work is never done. You’ve never reached the finish line, and you’ve never squeezed out all the joy, excitement, and contentment that is to be had. You must continually dream, plan, hope, pursue, fight for, and cherish your spouse and your marriage.
I leave you with one question: what can you do this very day to selflessly, no-strings-attached love and pursue your spouse?
Copyright © 2015, Foundation Restoration. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. No reproduction allowed without written permission from Foundation Restoration and/or the author.
Thank you for the support you unknowingly have been. Your website is a tremendous resource of healthy and helpful ways to keep Marriage at the forefront of all other human relationships, with God being the first most important, of course. Your gift of communicating these important principals has helped validate my own practice’s teachings when Coaching my clients, in which I reference your site as additional support for clients to draw from. A huge and honorable thanks! You’re helping change lives. : ) Amanda S.
Amanda, I am so encouraged by your kind words! Thank you so much for taking the time to bless me with your kindness! I am grateful you find my website and organization to be helpful to you and to your clients! Again, thank you so much for your words of encouragement!
Fantastic reminder to always keep working at your marriage. You are completely right, it’s easy to go on auto-pilot but it’s so important to remain engaged and constantly strive to grow.
Steve, thanks for your feedback and encouragement; always appreciate it so much 🙂
i really appreciate this article. Life moves so fast and it’s easy to kick things into neutral with your marriage to gain some reprieve but the break should be focused elsewhere learning to say no to other things and people. Great tips. Thanks!
Thanks Erin! I am glad you found this article helpful, and I appreciate your sweet words of encouragement!
I am trying to wake up every day with two things at the top of my agenda: show my husband how much I love him and show our children how much I love them. I try to decide first thing in the morning how I want to be sure to do that (though I will do other things through the day). Then I purpose in my heart to get them done. At the end of the day, I reflect on how well I me those goals. Some days, I forget, but it keeps me focused on them.
Janeen, I love that! What a great approach and way to keep your marriage and family at the forefront of your day! Great tip! Thanks for sharing, and keep up the good work!
On December 24, 2014, my wife, Johnnetta, and I celebrated 20 years of marriage. Many said we would not last for one month, but thanks be to God that we have stood the test of time…thus far. I love those “simple ways of engaging with you spouse,” you have listed. In our 20 years together I must confess that I am still learning. One thing I’ve come to realize is that no matter how much you may think you have it together, you don’t know as much as you think you do. Times have changed and roles have changed and in order to make a marriage work today, we must be willing to change the way we think and react. That’s why this very day I have decided in my mind to love my wife and do whatever I have to do to make my marriage work? I have let my wife know that quitting is NOT an option.
Jerry, happy belated 20th anniversary! Marriage (and life) are a constant journey of growing and learning! We’ve never “arrived.” I love that you have taken that hard line that quitting is not an option in your marriage! As you work hard at your marriage, may you reap the blessings and rewards of that harvest! Thanks for sharing; it’s always great to hear from you!
A recent conversation with my husband was very close to what you have written in this article. We have been together 24 years this next May. One of my closest friends said to me last week, “I am glad your marriage worked out” at first I took this to mean something bad, but thought about it. My husband and I discussed this statement and discussed how hard marriage can be at times, and how blessed it can be at times but how it can be a lot of work. I am always thankful for what you write. Thank you.
Vicki