By Ashley McIlwain

Work … make dinner … laundry … dishes … work … get groceries … run to the post office … church … coffee with a friend … dinner with friends … work … clean the house … tackle house project … call my family … work … networking breakfast … devotions … exercise … baby shower … work … date night … visitors … work … pack lunches … seminar … birthday party … work …

Breathe.

It amazes me how many directions I am constantly pulled in. The to-do list goes on and on endlessly, and for every one thing I check off, another three get added. There are times where I want to just scream on top of my lungs, hide under the covers of my bed, run until I can’t feel a thing, or cry my eyes out because I feel so overwhelmed, exhausted, and inadequate. There’s never enough time in the day to do it all. Weeks, months, and years zoom by, and sometimes I feel like I’m missing out on it all because I’m chasing my tail trying to do everything for everyone all of the time.

I have no doubt nearly every single person reading this feels the same way or has felt that way at some point in their life. Different demands, but same overextended, barely able to breathe, how can I maintain this pace of life feeling. You’re drowning in the busyness of life, and it feels like there’s not a thing you can do about it.

For most of my life I have pushed myself to the limits to achieve dreams, reach goals, and accomplish whatever it is I set my mind to. My schedule is always jam-packed, and I’m usually stretched to my limits. Yet, somehow, despite thinking things couldn’t possibly get busier, the chaos compounds.

To be completely honest, there’s a sense of pride that comes along with being busy. Our culture values being overextended because that somehow is equated to being successful and important. I want to be viewed as successful and important, and I want to feel successful and important, so I stack the calendar, hold my breath, and pray I can manage it all.

It’s messed up … I know.

Topping things off, in May my husband and I, after nearly six years of patiently saving, praying, and waiting, bought our first home. It’s our dream home, and daily I give thanks for the ability to live in such a beautiful, cozy, and special place. The thought of all the memories we’ll make, laughter we’ll share, stories that’ll be told, moments that’ll be experienced, and love felt within those walls makes my heart skip a beat. Yet, somehow I miscalculated and underestimated the amount of added work that goes into maintaining a home.

My husband and I are spending our rare free moments mowing, painting, decorating, cleaning, fixing, creating, and a thousand other things that go into a house. It’s a blessing, but it’s a big responsibility. The to-do list just got that much longer, and what I thought would bring us closer has, in some ways, kept us from one another.

One day I was feeling so irritated with my husband, and I was in one of those I-want-to-cry-my-eyes-out moments, when I had an epiphany. My life is so busy that I have crowded out one of the biggest blessings and most important people in my life … Steve. My husband. When we’re together, I feel like I can keep putting one foot in front of the other. Being able to cry on his shoulder, go before the Lord united in prayer, laugh until our bellies hurt, share our deepest fears and greatest dream … that’s what invigorates, strengthens, and encourages me.

The Lord knew what He was doing when He gifted us with marriage. That helpmate (Genesis 2:18) whom we desperately want and need to cry, laugh, talk, and dream with. Yet, when life is pulling us in a million directions, usually our spouse is the first thing to get bumped to the back burner. I’ m guilty as charged. Most of the time, we don’t even realize that it’s happened. We just sort of start putting out fires, and before we know it, we are completely disconnected from our spouse.

The very person we want and need to lean on, we end up pushing away, and then we feel frustrated, alone, and exacerbated. We weren’t meant to do life alone. Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 talks about how two are better than one because of our ability to help one another. That connection and support gleaned from our marriage is something so special and powerful.

So, how can we maintain our marriage amidst the chaos? How can we stay connected?

  1. Schedule date nights.

The fact of the matter is that we will never find time, so we have to make time for things that are important to us. One way of doing this is to literally pull out your calendars and schedule in date nights. At least once a month, you and your spouse should get away from the kids, responsibilities, and chores to just enjoy one another’s company. Laugh. Play. Talk. Dream. Love on one another! You had to spend time together to win your spouse’s heart, and you need to spend time together to keep winning your spouse’s heart. Plus, getting away from the busyness of life is just what the doctor ordered. All of those to-do’s will still be waiting when you get back, so don’t you worry about that. They aren’t going anywhere. Getting away with your spouse will energize and recharge your marital and individual batteries.

Maintaining

  1. Check in with one another.

It’s important to take time to check in with one another. Ask how your spouse is doing. See how they are feeling, what’s going on with them, what’s weighing on them, or if there’s anything important going on for them right now? Reach out to your spouse and engage him or her. Let him/her know that you are there to listen, care, and support him/her. Also, share what’s going on with you. Let your husband or wife know what’s going on in your life. Even if it’s just 15 minutes a day, try to spend some time each day having meaningful conversation and checking in with one another.

  1. Learn to say no and to let go.

If there’s one thing I have been trying to be better about, it’s saying no to some things and letting go of others. We cannot be all and do all for everyone and everything all of the time. It’s impossible. There are times where we have to say no to people and involvements. At times we have to let go of the notion that we can do everything. For me, it’s been letting go of the fact that I can run a non-profit organization by myself, see clients two days a week, and still be the “perfect” wife who cooks every night, keeps the house spotless, and everything stocked, the perfect friend who is always available, checking in, and keep tabs on everything going on. I simply cannot do it, but that was hard for me to come to terms with. At the end of the day though, we have to prioritize our time. Otherwise, we get spread so thin and aren’t able to put our time, energy, love, and efforts into the things that matter the most to us, like our marriage and family. Letting go and saying no to good things means we free ourselves up to grab hold of and say yes to great things.

Life is constant. It pulls and tugs at us stretching us to the max and placing demands that weigh us down. If we allow it, our lives will become so noisy that we miss out on the beautiful melodies being whispered to our hearts, like that of our love story. We tend to value and pride ourselves on “keeping busy,” but what if we hit the brakes and stopped to ask ourselves what the journey is all about to begin with.

I don’t want to miss out on the important stuff because I’m preoccupied with the nuances of life. It’s a daily battle to de-clutter my mind and schedule in order to make room for God, my husband, and my marriage. I would encourage you to do the same!

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