By Ashley McIlwain

We’ve all heard the saying “divide and conquer.” Quite frankly, that’s how most of us survive our days, right? You have your responsibilities and tasks to handle, and your spouse has his or hers. That’s how you manage to keep the boat afloat. That’s how my husband and I operate too, but recently, I’ve discovered a bit of a variation to this method of managing the madness.

The problem with divide and conquer is that it sends us in different directions from one another. Soon we find that the efficiency mantra transitions from effective to destructive. In fact, most marriages begin to be more like the other well-known saying “two ships passing in the night.”

It’s not that we can’t each have our own roles and responsibilities. That’s wisdom to draw from our individual strengths to tackle the daily tasks we must attend to. The problem is when we forget that we are a team working together and start drifting apart because we’re more concerned with checking off our to do list than connecting with our spouse.

That’s where my new mantra comes into play … unite and conquer.

My husband, Steve, and I have been in one of the busiest seasons of our lives yet, and it’s easy to go adrift from one another. You’re so consumed with getting everything done that’s demanding your attention, that days could go by without a meaningful conversation. Soon, the very things that are meant to be blessings in your lives become the bricks that build a wall between you. Instead of drawing closer to one another, you grow apart.

It’s incredibly surprising and scary how quickly and easily this divide can happen. Days turn into weeks. Weeks can turn into months. Months can turn into years. Soon, your spouse is a stranger.

It only took a couple of days for me to start feeling like Steve and I were running full steam ahead but in different directions. That’s when I realized that the whole divide and conquer thing is great in theory but not in reality. There needed to be a different approach to this method.

What I’m realizing more and more is that there is nothing worth losing my marriage over. Nothing is more important than my husband. Everything we work so hard to obtain – the house, the career, the success – it’s meaningless if you’ve lost the one person who is meant to enjoy it all with you. If that career, house, or temporary stuff is going to cause me to neglect my husband, my marriage, then I don’t want it. Because in the end, it’s the people not the stuff that matters.

Nobody looks back on their life and wishes they had more. Most people in their final days regret the lack of time spent with those they love. When we leave this earth, that stuff stays. It’s the memories made, the love shared, the laughter enjoyed that we will cherish and remember. Things break, go out of style, and run their course, but a happy, thriving marriage … that’s one of the most valuable treasures we can ever acquire.

There’s no denying it; life is busy, chaotic, and demanding. There are seasons where we feel like we’re barely keeping our heads above water. At times, we will have less time and energy to spare than others. But if there’s one thing I’ve come to understand, it’s that life will always be pulling you in a hundred directions. It’s up to you to choose which one you will head in. For me, I choose my marriage.

So, what does it mean to unite and conquer? It means checking in with one another regularly. Using your marriage as home base. It means pressing pause on everything to carve out quality time for your spouse. Shouldering one another’s cares and burdens. Pouring into one another so that each of you has the strength to face the rest of life’s demands.

It reminds me of a wrestling match. To be honest, I’m not much of a wrestling fan because of the brutal nature of it, but I’ve been known to watch Rocky a time of two. One thing about wrestlers is that, at the end of each round, no matter how beat up and battered they are, they know where to go when it’s all said and done … their corner. There they have someone who cleans their cuts, wipes their sweat, rubs their shoulders, and gives them the pep talk they need to get back in the fight. That person in their corner can make or break the fight.

That’s how we, as a spouse, are. We are the one in our spouse’s corner bandaging their wounds, caring for their needs, and giving them the much needed pep talk to provide them the strength and energy to keep on fighting. When all else fails, when no one else is there, no matter how bleak the situation looks, we champion one another onto victory.

If I didn’t have Steve, I don’t know what I’d do. He breathes life into me when I feel like I can’t take one more step. He encourages and affirms me when I’m emotionally spent. He gently cares for me and bandages my “wounds” when I’m bruised and battered from life’s beat downs. And that’s what I do for him. We are there for one another. We’re the safe haven for one another. We come together, build one another up, pour love into each other, and then go out and tackle all that is demanded of us.

It’s just like Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 says, “Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble. Likewise, two people lying close together can keep each other warm. But how can one be warm alone? A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken. (NLT)”

That’s the essence of unite and conquer. Your marriage is the starting point. It’s home base. It’s where you run to and where you draw your strength from. You’re a team working together, even when you’re roles are different. Instead of running two different ships headed in two different directions, you’re one ship with two captains always headed in the same direction. Your marriage should be at the heart of all you do as you write the story of your life together.

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