By Ashley McIlwain

Communication. We are all communicating all of the time. Whether with words, body language, sound effects, or the lack thereof, we are constantly communicating something to those around us. Communication can build relationships or they can destroy relationships depending on how we communicate, what we communicate, and our willingness to communicate.

Communication is a necessity for all relationships, but it’s especially important for a marriage. Taking time to sit down and enjoy good conversation with our spouse is a must. To dream together. To share our hearts. To discuss issues. To plan for the future. To affirm one another. Meaningful, quality conversation with one another is absolutely essential, and it helps build and maintain the core friendship between a husband and wife that carries the marriage through a lifetime of ups and downs.

Granted communication isn’t always easy. It comes more easily for some than others. Some of us need to talk less and listen more. Others need to listen less and talk more. Some of us need to work on the quality of what we share. Some need to use discretion in what we share and when. Communication is a skill and a process that needs to be honed and cultivated to enjoy the full richness that comes from it.

Husbands and wives have struggled with communication since the beginning of time. Men and women are very different in our approach to talking. Men often speak to convey information and facts. Women tend to talk out of enjoyment. Studies have shown that women, in general, have mastered the skill of talking. From the time women are able to talk as little girls, they gravitate toward holding conversations with others whereas little boys tend to want to do things with their fellow guys. This trend tends to continue on through adolescence and adulthood where guys prefer activities over conversations and vice versa. Now this doesn’t mean that women have it all figured out, but it does mean that women have the advantage of more practice and experience in conversing than their male counterparts (in general … there are always exceptions to every rule). Granted, sometimes we’re a little too good at it and struggle with the listening portion of a conversation.

Regardless, men and women, husbands and wives have consistently reported struggling in the communication department. This is a fight worth battling though. We can’t afford to throw in the towel on effectively communicating with one another because it’s such a central part to the success of our marriage.

In one of my favorite couples’ devotionals, Night Light, by Dr. James & Shirley Dobson, Dr. Dobson says this in regards to communication, “Those who master this skill are likely to enjoy a meaningful, fulfilling, productive relationship. Those who continually fail to understand each other, however, feel isolated and alone.”

In marriage, we can’t afford to neglect communicating with our spouse – both in quality and quantity. To help you refine and develop this skill, I have five keys to better communication.

  1. Pick a good time.

One of the best ways to set your conversation up for success is to pick a good time to talk, especially if it’s an important topic of discussion. Trying to have a meaningful conversation when we’re tired, hungry, or pre-occupied only sets us up for failure. Ask your spouse, “Is this a good time to talk?” He/she may tell you it’s not and ask for fifteen minutes to grab a bite to eat, use the restroom, or change clothes. Timing is important because sometimes we’re just not in a good place to listen or share. It helps to choose a quality time in order to have a quality conversation with our spouse.

  1. Make eye contact.

If you’re looking to make your spouse feel heard, it starts with your eyes. Making eye contact with your spouse as he/she is speaking to you will help him/her feel like you are truly focused on what they are saying. That eye contact with help you to really be focused on them and the conversation, which is central to actually hearing them.

  1. Truly Listen

Most of us are better talkers than listeners. We are more concerned with communicating our own thoughts and points that it makes it nearly impossible to truly hear the thoughts and points of our spouse. Instead of thinking about your response while he/she is sharing, just listen. In fact, repeat back to your spouse what you heard him/her say. There is nothing quite like being intently listened to. Listening is the heart of the conversation, so be quick to listen and slow to speak (James 1:19).

  1. Empathize

Oftentimes, the point of conversation isn’t really to find a solution to something; it’s to connect, be heard, and to feel understood. We want to feel like someone cares, someone “gets” us. Whether there is a solution to the problem or not, it feels good to just have someone listen carefully and empathize with us. Now, to be fair, there are times we do want some potential solutions. Going into a conversation, we should tell our spouse if we want them to help us solve what we are sharing about or just listen and care.

  1. Respond

Few things are more hurtful and damaging to a conversation and our spouse than to not respond or engage in the conversation. When your spouse shares with you, respond to them. Even if you don’t know quite what to say, just repeat back what you think you heard them say … “Sounds like you had a rough day.” A lack of response can feel a lot like rejection, and it kills the conversation. It’s important to respond thoughtfully to our spouse when they share with us. That’s what a conversation is: two people sharing, listening, empathizing, responding, and ultimately, connecting with one another.

Communication is so vital to a marriage. Much like blood pumping through our veins brings life to our body, conversation pumps life into our marriage. It is a means of connecting, growing, and learning one another. It’s not always easy, but it’s always necessary.

Copyright © 2014, Foundation Restoration. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. No reproduction allowed without written permission from Foundation Restoration and/or the author.