By Ashley McIlwain
If there is one thing I can guarantee you about your marriage, it is that your spouse will hurt you.
You read that right. Your spouse will inevitably hurt, disappoint, frustrate, and anger you at some point in time during the course of your marriage. The reverse is true as well. You will inevitably hurt, disappoint, frustrate, and anger your spouse at some point during the course of your marriage.
Phew! Isn’t it a relief to get expectations of perfection off your chest? Your marriage will not and cannot be perfect. Nor can you or your spouse. It is literally impossible, so let’s just get that out there so that we can move past that pressure to be something we’re incapable of being.
Some of you may say, well that’s obvious, but isn’t it?
Many of us live under or subject our spouse to live under the heavy yoke of perfection expectations. We expect him/her to fulfill our every want, need, and desire. We demand that they jump through all of our hoops and keep us happy every second of every day. When they fall short, which they inevitably will, we degrade them and discredit our marriage. It happens every single day.
Turn on the television or talk to someone dating or engaged, and you hear the same theme. When asked what marriage is like, how they will know they’ve found the one, and why they are getting married, many of these people will say something along the lines of, “When I’m happy, and it’s just easy.” That is a setup for failure.
Marriage is so much more than happiness and smooth sailing, and it’s certainly about more than how we feel.
In fact, I think a more accurate portrait of marriage would be a farmer’s field. While many of us have never experienced the life of a farmer, it’s a life that is full of constant hard work and careful attention. It’s a labor of love as the ground is prepared through tilling so that tiny seeds can be planted deep into the ground. Under careful watch, the seeds are watered and nurtured until, almost magically, a plant springs up from the once barren earth. Slowly but surely those seeds morph into the beautiful and strong fruit, vegetable, or grain that they were intended to be. Then there is a bountiful harvest that is both celebrated and savored.
Marriage is similar. We, as spouses, are like little farmers. We have to till the ground with some hard work that then invites the seeds of love that we plant. Tilling the ground in more literal and practical terms means having heart-to-hearts, dealing with conflict, and working together to always improve your marriage. Planting seeds of love means we do thoughtful things for our spouse, affirm and encourage him/her, spend quality time together, bless him/her through physical touch (sexual and non-sexual), and shower them with love whenever we can. Out of that springs fulfillment, joy, respect, love, and laughter. Those seeds of love reap a bountiful harvest in your marriage to celebrate and savor.
There are times where things aren’t balanced or reciprocal in a marriage. There are times where your spouse will hurt you. There are times when you will hurt your spouse. There are moments where your marriage will be coasting on fumes, and you struggle to connect with one another. There are seasons that will be difficult and that will push you to your limits.
That’s not an excuse or justification to behave poorly or mistreat your spouse, but it is a gentle reminder that we are all in need of grace. You aren’t perfect, and neither is your spouse. We are all humans who struggle with our sinful nature (Romans 3:23). When we understand that, it helps put things into perspective.
Like a pressure valve opened up, the built up and dangerous tension is released. Let’s take the pressure off of ourselves, our spouse, and our marriage to be perfect. Instead, let’s understand that we love one another and are all wonderful works in progress. There are times where we will make mistakes or take missteps, we will hurt and disappoint one another, and there are moments in our marriage that we will struggle. Through those struggles and hardships that we work through together, our marriage is strengthened and deep, unparalleled intimacy is forged.
As long as we are always seeking to honor the Lord, love our spouse, and do the best we can, that’s all that we can ask of ourselves and one another. We cannot become negligent or lackadaisical with our spouse or our marriage. Each of us must strive to be the best we can be, but we also have to realize that the goal isn’t perfection. Perfection leads to bondage, disillusionment, and ultimate destruction because it’s an impossible ideal. We’ll always miss the mark. Aim for growing, grace, and love.
Copyright © 2014, Foundation Restoration. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. No reproduction allowed without written permission from Foundation Restoration and/or the author.
On point Ashley! This is something that my wife and I are learning together. I told her many years ago (before we were married) that I was committed to our marriage not to her because she would let me down, hurt me and make me want to leave at times. She said this was the most unromantic thing she had ever heard at the time.
A few years later she said it was one of the MOST romantic things she’d ever heard.
We recently have had to put my word to the test in a very big way. I’m proud to say that with God’s grace we have been able to overcome our mutual damaging behavior towards each other and seek His healing!
Lyle, thank you for sharing! I am so glad that you and your wife are working hard and looking to the Lord to guide and heal your marriage! As humans, we mess up, but God’s grace is sufficient and can work miracles and even the dimmest and most hopeless of situations! May He breathe new life into your marriage as you continue to seek Him and honor your marriage vows!