By Ashley McIlwain

What happens when your spouse disappoints you? What if you’re not happy in your marriage, and you’re convinced there are greener pastures awaiting you? What if what you thought you signed up for with your spouse and marriage doesn’t exactly align with reality? What if your spouse doesn’t deserve your love? What then?

Well, a lot of people would say to walk away because you deserve to be happy.

I’m here to say that I disagree.

You see, when we state our vows to one another and before friends, family, and Almighty God, we lose our entitlement to live selfishly. Most of us choose vows similar to the traditional ones promising to cherish, love, and choose our spouse no matter what until death do us part. Those vows are proclamations of what we will do for our spouse, and they don’t come with a catch or an escape clause. We willingly entered into a lifelong covenant knowingly pledging a whole list of things that we would do for our spouse without any sort of caveat.

Granted, the hope, prayer, and expectation is that our spouse will also uphold their vows to do the same for us, but regardless of their actions, we are responsible for ours. This goes against our nature, and this also goes against what much of our culture tells us today. We are told that it’s all about us, and we’re naturally most concerned with our own well-being and happiness than that of others. That flies in the face of a successful marriage.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned in my nearly six years of marriage in addition to being around long-standing marriages of others, it’s that there’s no room for selfish in a marriage. That doesn’t mean you completely neglect or ignore your own wants and needs in the marriage, but it does mean they are secondary to that of your spouse’s. That’s the truth about marriage. It’s a selfless endeavor.

In my own marriage, I know this is a struggle for me. I constantly feel the tug of my selfishness yanking on my heart. Like a car out of alignment, there are times I pull our marriage toward serving my self-interests instead of what’s best for my husband and our marriage. It’s that selfish nature that I’m constantly battling, but it’s a battle I must always fight if I want our marriage to succeed. It’s a battle you must always fight too if you want your marriage to succeed.

How can we do this? How can we fight this battle and win the war of selfishness in our marriage?

I believe the answer exists in our ultimate accountability. Yes, I must deal with the consequences of my decisions personally. Yes, I have to answer to my husband for the choices I make, and he must answer to me for his. Yes, we are accountable to our children for the decisions we make. More than that though, we will all stand before God someday and account for how we lived our lives (Romans 14:12, 2 Corinthians 5:10).

Therein is the ultimate accountability … to the Creator of the universe!

When we are tempted to veer off the path of selflessly loving our spouse, it helps to remember that it’s not just about you, your spouse, or your family. It’s about God and being accountable to Him in the end. After all, most of us had a pastor marry us. Many of you got married in a church. And the majority of us consent before family, friends, and Almighty God. That is because we are holding ourselves accountable to more than just the two of us.

For me, remembering that it is the Lord I ultimately aim to please, keeps my marriage in check. If I am pleasing the Lord and living for Him, then I know that I am treating my husband the way that I should, the way that God desires and calls me too. It reminds me of Matthew 6:33, “But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.” I believe that includes a great marriage.

Our first and foremost goal is to live the life God has called us to, and if we are seeking Him first, then we will be better husbands and wives, fathers and mothers, brothers and sisters, employees, friends, and neighbors. This mindset of living out our faith will help us to do what’s right when our spouse isn’t around. It will help us keep our attitude in check. It will remind us that our emotions are fleeting and how self-control is vital. It’s how we will forgive because we know of all we’ve been forgiven of.  It encourages us that we aren’t alone because the Holy Spirit is there to strengthen us when our flesh wants to fail us. It’s our ultimate hope and source of love at all times and in all circumstances.

When we seek to love God first, there is a natural overflow into our marriage.

Ultimate Accountability

Philippians 2:3-4 says this, “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.”

The Bible is teeming with what it means to truly love someone. It is demonstrated and displayed through the life of Jesus and can be described with words like servant, selfless, sacrifice, grace, forgiveness, instruction, humility, obedience, self-controlled, patient, faithful, unwavering, and involved. Jesus was tender yet bold and courageous. As a husband or wife, this is our template for loving our spouse. Do these adjectives describe how you love and care for your spouse?

Don’t misunderstand me. I am not saying we should be lifeless doormats in our marriage. Jesus was a servant not subservient. There’s a difference. God wants us to understand our value as His child, but He also wants us to care for the needs of others. As Jesus demonstrated, a servant knows His value and worth but chooses to lay that aside to meet the needs of others (Philippians 2:5-8). That takes incredible strength, not weakness. In marriage, it’s important to know and understand your value as an individual but then choose to serve your spouse’s needs.

There are times where you will face frustration, temptation, and disappointment in your marriage. It will not always be a euphoric, fulfilling, and exciting relationship. At times you will be putting in more than you are getting out of it. You may struggle with feeling in love with your spouse, and no doubt there will be people and things that try to tell you the grass is greener on the other side. At the end of the day though, your marriage is a beautiful, unique love story that is worth fighting for.

Like a long-term investment, the overall value of your marriage far outweighs any valleys you may have to go through. And in fact, it’s the valleys that make the peaks so majestic. If you’re considering walking away from your marriage, especially because you’re buying into the concept that you should always be happy or feeling in love, please don’t. You made a covenant that is stronger than your feelings. Don’t be deceived that somehow something better awaits you. The only thing that awaits you, maybe not immediately but definitely ultimately, is regret.

The best choice you can make is to stick it out in your marriage. To dig deep and fight hard. To get on your knees before the Lord and ask for His help. It is Him that you are ultimately accountable to for the choices you make, and somehow I don’t think, “I wasn’t happy,” is going to cut it when you explain the destruction, heartache, and brokenness your choice to walk away caused your spouse, children, and community.

For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate. –Mark 10:7-9

For we must all appear before the judgment sear of Christ, that each one may receive what is due him for the things done while in the body, whether good or bad. –2 Corinthians 5:10

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