Your Marriage is a Mess

By Ashley McIlwain

I wish so badly that, when we walk down the aisle as bride and groom, we could see each other for all that we really are. Past the pure white and big smiles. Past the euphoria and excitement. Past the notion of a “perfect day.” Instead, transparent with our brokenness, baggage, issues, struggles, expectations, and ugliness.

All too often, we enter into marriage with such a false sense of who our spouse is, what marriage will be like, and even who we are. It’s like an old house that’s been painted over a thousand times in an attempt to make it look good, when in reality, it takes sanding down, digging out, and pushing through all of the gunk and junk to reveal the true, raw, original beauty it possesses.

We present ourselves as pure and spotless, but the reality is, no one is. We are all broken, issue-ridden, baggage-carrying people who need grace, forgiveness, and love. When we hide all of those things from our fiancé or spouse, we are setting ourselves, our marriage, and our spouse up for failure and heartache because we cannot maintain our facades forever. They always rear their ugly heads at some point, and just like car accidents and football games, the hit is always worse when it comes from our blindside where we don’t see it coming and aren’t prepared for the blow.

You and your spouse are flawed people who will inevitably disappoint and hurt each other. There’s no way around that, so let’s just get that on the table now. As human beings we will never be perfect no matter how hard we try or how much we pretend to be. Your marriage will be a mess because we, as human beings, are a mess.

The question isn’t whether or not your marriage will throw you curveballs, disappoint you, or frustrate you because the answer is yes. The question is, how real are you willing to be? How soon will you drop the pretense that you have it all together? That you are always right and perfect? That the family you came from doesn’t has their issues and struggles? We are all a mess whether we like to admit it or not, but the sooner we are willing to recognize and admit it, the sooner we are able to enter into a real relationship with our spouse and ourselves.

Most of the time we hold onto all of our scars, struggles, and brokenness so tightly making sure that no one can see them, especially not the man or woman we want to marry us. We put on the masks and apply the make-up to cover up who we really are. Because, surely, if this person knew who we really are, they would never love us, choose us, marry us, right? But, do we really want someone to marry us under false pretenses? Do we really want to have to hide and pretend our whole lives?

There is such freedom that comes with embracing that we are a mess, our spouse is a mess, and that two lives becoming one is messy. God gave us marriage as this beautiful, intimate relationship where we can stop pretending and start healing. To be vulnerable, open, and real. All while allowing our spouse to be the same. In that, we are able to bear one another’s burdens (Galatians 6:2).

Talk about intimate and extraordinary. Talk about taking your relationship to the next level. In the confession of who we really are, there is such freedom! God’s Word tells us that the truth sets us free (John 8:32). If we want our marriage to be all that it is intended to be, it starts with being real and honest with our spouse. Together, as husband and wife, we can wrestle with the consequences, talk through the pain, experience healing, choose more wisely, and agree in prayer (Matthew 18:19) ushering in the Lord’s help.

It’s scary to be real. In fact, it’s downright terrifying, which is why so many of us never really open up. Many of us never experience true intimacy with our spouse. We shut ourselves off afraid that, if they really knew us, they wouldn’t still love us. But, if you and me truly love our spouse the way God has called us to, then our marriage can handle it … all of it. With God’s grace, as a couple, you can walk through the brokenness together and experience healing.

In Matthew 11:28-30 Jesus says this, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.” It’s time to let go of that heavy burden you are carrying around. It’s time to find freedom in love.

Carve out time to talk with your spouse or fiancé about who you really are. The good, the bad, and the ugly are what marriage is all about. The most beautiful gift we could ever give or receive is that of our spouse’s love when we feel most undeserving of it. It is in those moments that we experience the love of God. As long as you hide all of the baggage you carry, the mistakes you’ve made, and the wounds you’ve incurred, you will continually re-experience the pain and weight of it all. It’s time to let it go.

Your spouse may not know what to say to you when you share your heart, but I would encourage you to be gracious with their response as they process what you’ve shared. Most likely you will both experience a mix of emotions together as you work through things together. Be patient, loving, respectful, and sensitive to one another. Remember that it is in our vulnerability that we experience true intimacy, love, and relationship.

All of us are the walking wounded. We are all a mess because life is messy, and we are sinful by nature. Sometimes we’ve made poor decisions that have left us gimping, ashamed, or fearful. Other times someone else has hurt us leaving us untrusting, guarded, and feeling unworthy and shameful. Whatever your story, whatever your mess, know that you aren’t alone. You don’t have to secretly ache anymore.

There’s a reason that the Lord says that “love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth” (1 Corinthians 13:6). Marriage is a unique and wonderful, God-given relationship to admit to our messiness and to heal together through true love. Stop pretending. Stop hiding. There is freedom, healing, and intimacy in allowing your spouse to be your confidant. To allow him/her to get to know the real you. To choose to love you, just as Christ loves each of us, despite the baggage, poor decisions, missteps, and injuries we’ve accrued. True love is messy. A marriage that is real and lasting is a messy one. Out of that mess though comes release, freedom, hope, love, and healing.

Copyright © 2013, Foundation Restoration.  ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. No reproduction allowed without written permission from Foundation Restoration and/or the author.