Margins

By Ashley McIlwain

Where do we draw the line? Where do we say white meets black in the choices of life? Where does safety end and danger begin?

We all face these questions in our lives in nearly every area. When we are dating, these questions often swirl around physical intimacy. How far can we go without crossing the line into sexual sin? When we are working, these questions face us with how much we devote ourselves to our jobs. How much overtime do I put in before I have become a workaholic? When we are married, these questions present themselves regarding our friendships, finances, child rearing, and in-laws. How much should be spend versus save? Where do we draw the line with our in-laws involvement?

Marriage presents a lot of these “gray” areas that we have to figure out the boundaries around. So, how do we do just that? How do we place that hedge of protection around our marriage?

This is a great question, and unfortunately, there’s no real clear cut answer for you. Before you get bummed out though and write this article off as pointless, stay with me. True I cannot define specific rules or boundaries for you and your marriage simply because it’s impossible due to the sheer volume of possible scenarios. Plus, each of you has your own set of beliefs and moral compass that may not align with mine. That being said, I do believe there is a formula that is pretty universal for you to figure out your own boundaries and rules to protect yourself and your marriage.

When you look at a piece of paper, there is the area in which the writing clearly goes, and then there are the margins. The margins are where nothing appears, but they set the boundary around the content keeping it nicely bundled and organized. Those margins are the safety zone. Stretch them too thin, and you will even get a warning that you have done so. Though they seem rather pointless at times and can even be pushed allowing the text to risk running off the page, they are what set the tone and parameters for the page.

Each of us has to set the margins for the pages of our life and of our marriage.

Those margins are the buffer between safety and danger. Between white and black choices. Between healthy and unhealthy. Margins are the safety zone. They are the extent to which we protect our marriage.

We can push our margins to the edge giving ourselves very little wiggle room, and sometimes we can even make those margins so big that we squish and choke our story. Therein lies the challenge of where to set the margins, but before we delve into finding the formula for balanced margins, I want to address an important point.

Margins are Satan’s playground. He comes to kill, steal, and destroy (John 10:10), but he is not your average thief. Matthew 10:16 says that Satan is shrewd. Shrewd is defined as having or showing an ability to understand things and to make good judgments: mentally sharp or clever. Satan has an ability to assess us and make good judgments about how to attack us. He knows that he cannot just attack us full on where we can see him coming a mile away. No, he is the supreme deceiver (Revelation 12:9), so he looks for our blind spots … for the back door.

Our blind spots are usually the areas we deem “most likely safe.” They are the things we think we can control or handle. They are the areas where we are willing to compromise just a bit because we think it can’t be that bad. For example, you may say, “I don’t watch pornography. No way! But, I will watch movies or television shows that have a little nudity. I mean, it’s unavoidable, and I’m not intentionally trying to see that girl’s bare breasts or butt.” You deem it “safe,” and that’s where you set the margin for what content you watch. That is where Satan does his best work. He knows he probably can’t just throw a Playboy magazine in front of your face and get you to read it, but if he can get you to glance at that Victoria’s Secret magazine, he has something to work with. He finds that little compromise we are willing to make despite the prick to our conscience and gets his foot in the door.

This is where the formula comes in for setting margins. Take those areas where you think it’s “probably” safe, and take a step or two back from there. Now you are in the safety zone.

Some other examples:

• Finances – If you’re wondering where to draw the line with debt, and you think that going over the budget each month by $100 is ok. Consider taking 1 or 2 steps back to staying in the budget each month unless you and your spouse agree on the purchase or reason for going over it.
• In-Law Involvement – Perhaps the issue is how involved should your in-laws be? Well, if they’re your parents, and you’re claiming they should be able to drop in whenever they want. You might want to consider they must call before they come over with a limit of 1-2 times a week.
• Opposite gender friendships – I addressed this in what has become our most popular article ever, but this is one of the most common blind spots for couples. I cannot tell you how many affairs have started out as innocent friendships with someone of the opposite gender. Now, as I said in my other article, this doesn’t mean isolating yourself from all people of the opposite gender, but it does mean being aware of a very real risk. Following the margin “formula,” if you think it’s totally permissible to hang out one-in-one with your opposite gender friend, I would encourage you to take 1 or 2 steps back to perhaps only being willing to meet them with your spouse instead.

Get the idea?

Now, some of you may be saying, “Oh please. You are being fear-driven and overly cautious.” This isn’t about setting boundaries and creating margins out of fear. It’s about looking realistically at your marriage and life and setting it up for success. Just like we build a foundation to set a stable house upon so that it doesn’t crumble and fall with the first strong wind that blows its way, we have to establish a foundation for our marriage to keep it sturdy and strong for when troubles come our way. Where you draw those boundaries are completely up to you. I’m simply informing you that in nearly every heartache and destroyed marriage I have witnessed, the problem began with a seemingly “harmless” scenario.

So, my encouragement and advice to you would be: don’t underestimate the power or significance of your margins. A passage in the Bible always comes to mind when it comes to my own personal pursuit of establishing safe yet realistic margins in my life.

“Everything is permissible” – but not everything is beneficial. “Everything is permissible” – but not everything is constructive. Nobody should seek his own good, but the good of others. –1 Corinthians 10:23-24

No doubt this can be tricky to navigate, which is why I have a couple of guidelines to help you and your spouse in establishing those safety margins around your marriage.

1. Pray. There is nothing more powerful than going to the Lord together asking for His wisdom and guidance. Ask Him to direct your paths and to open your spiritual eyes to the plans of Satan. Ask the Holy Spirit to make you aware of any danger areas and to give you the strength to walk away from them.
2. Ask yourself, what does God’s Word say about this? God’s Word is chock-full of wisdom and guidance. He knows that this life is difficult and that the enemy has traps everywhere to try and ensnare us, and that’s why He wants to protect us with guidelines for living. What does His Word say about the particular thing you’re struggling to establish boundaries around?
3. Do you find yourself justifying where you’ve drawn the line? Many times if we are trying to justify, defend, or excuse something, therein lies the answer. Oftentimes we formulate an argument to convince ourselves and our spouse of something we know in our heart of hearts isn’t right. So, if you are finding yourself constantly defending something, check your motivation for doing so. It might clue you in to the truth and what you already know deep down.
4. What does your spouse think? If your spouse feels convicted or strongly about something, there is often a reason for it. It’s important that we consider the feelings, thoughts, and input of our God-given spouse even when we may not always agree 100% with their point of view. Use one another to shed light on issues knowing that two perspectives often allow for a more complete and true picture of something.

When all is said and done, the objective of margins is to protect not constrict your marriage. It’s to create a buffer zone so that your marriage is as successful, healthy, and thriving as possible. Troubles and issues will come, but the goal is to not invite them. My prayer for you is that God would give you divine wisdom and guidance in protecting your marriage.

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