5 Things to Never Say to Your Spouse

By Ashley McIlwain

The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit. –Proverbs 18:21

What we say matters. It matters more than we think. With our words we can build up or tear down. That goes for our spouse, our marriage, our friendships, and our own life. The old saying, “Sticks and stones will break my bones, but words can never hurt me,” couldn’t be more untrue.

There is some debate as to how many compliments it takes to undo the damage of one insult. One thing that seems to be clear: insults have a greater impact on us than a compliment does. Oftentimes an insult will linger for years while a compliment seems to lack that same sticking ability.

Think of it this way: What was the last compliment you received? What was the last insult? Many of us will easily come up with the answer to the insult, but most of us will struggle with the answer to the compliment. If you think back on your life, most likely you will remember times when someone criticized or insulted you more easily and quickly than times when someone encouraged or complimented you. Negativity has an ugly way of attaching itself to us and relentlessly holding on.

That’s why it’s so important to be cognizant of the things we say.

When we flippantly say things, we hurt others. While apologies are nice and important, they rarely undo the full extent of the damage done. You can never take back something you say. Once it’s out there, that’s it. That’s why it’s imperative that we consider the things we say before we say them.

Marriage can be a true test of our verbal self-control. There are times we get so emotional, angry, heated, hurt, and frustrated that we lose our ability and desire to filter the things we say. We go for the jugular using sensitive, inside information about our spouse to cut them deeply. Somehow we get so caught up in our own feelings that we protect our own at the expense of our spouse’s. Things can spin out of control quickly leaving a devastating mess in the wake.

These verbal blood baths can leave each spouse absolutely raw and the marriage in shambles. While you can piece things back together with apologies, affirmation, and lots of repair work, the best thing is to never allow ourselves to get to this point. Proverbs 12:18 says it beautifully, “Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.”

Knowing the power of our words, it is so important to consider the things we say and to maintain self-control in the “heat of the moment.” Unfortunately, our spouse can be on the receiving end of our hasty and hurtful words more often than anyone else. Sadly, they are the one person we should constantly strive to build up, affirm, and encourage.

While criticizing and tearing your spouse down is always hurtful and never beneficial, there are definitely some things we should never say to our spouse. That list is endless, but I have come up with five that should be avoided at all costs.

1. You’re worthless. No one is worthless, and while sometimes we may feel frustrated with what our spouse is or isn’t doing, there is never an excuse for telling them they have no worth. They are a precious and important child of God, and to consider them as anything else is an insult to God and to them. Plus, you are the one who chose them, so what does that say about your choice? I can promise you that telling someone they are worthless will never motivate them to do what you want them to do anyway.  To tell your spouse that he/she is worthless is unacceptable and should never be carelessly thrown out there regardless of how annoyed you are.
2. I can’t stand you. We all get exasperated and annoyed by our spouse at times. Sometimes we even need to just get away from him/her for a while. Two people living under one roof, it’s bound to happen that we need a break from our spouse. There are times it’s not even about our spouse; we’re just annoyed and irritable, and our spouse is the scapegoat. Regardless, telling the love of your life that you can’t stand them is so hurtful. Would you want this to be said to you? Of course not! So don’t utter it to your spouse!
3. I don’t love you. This might be one of the worst things you could ever say to someone you’ve vowed to love and cherish all the days of your life. More than likely you just don’t feel in love at that moment, but that’s not a free pass to not actually love your spouse by choice regardless of your feelings. This is one of those jugular statements that someone says just to cause hurt and pain, and while I can assure you that you will be successful in causing those, it will not be worth the cost. Intentionally hurting your spouse is cruel, and ultimately, you are hurting yourself.
4. I wish I’d married someone else. Well, I’ve got news for you … you didn’t. You chose your spouse, and you’ve entered into a covenant with them, so grow up. Honestly, if you are making statements like this one, I’m fairly certain you are the bigger issue in your marriage than your spouse. To say this is irresponsible, childish, and obnoxious.
5. I wish I’d never married you. It’s sad that this even has to be said, but this is another one of those “kill shot” statements used just to cut your spouse to their core. It’s a selfish statement and one that has no place in a marriage. Don’t even allow yourself to think this let alone utter it.

Our words contain life and death in them. They can build up or tear down. They can blossom and grow our marriage or wither and destroy it. Reckless words are dangerous and can cause lasting or even permanent damage to a person and a relationship. It’s absolutely essential that we take time to think before we speak. While we can cause immense destruction with our careless words, we can also communicate tremendous love and elicit unimaginable potential with our spouse and marriage. Choose your words wisely.

Set a guard over my mouth; O lord; keep watch over the door of my lips. –Psalm 141:3

Copyright © 2013, Foundation Restoration.  ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. No reproduction allowed without written permission from Foundation Restoration and/or the author.