By Ricinda Perry

We have all been there … challenges with our in-laws.  While reading this article, keep in mind that when you married your spouse, his or her family became your family.

When we were dating, we liked to show the good side of our family and the good side of our spouse to our loved ones.  Often we overlooked or hid our loved one’s faults.  When we got married … uh, something changed, and we tend to let it all hang out.  I would like to challenge you to keep day-to-day problems with your spouse at home.  We should be able to set time aside to work through relationship issues one on one with our spouse, and not bring in the whole family.  Let me take this a step even further.

Have you been disappointed or hurt by your in-laws?  What is your reaction?  Do you run to your side of the family and share that frustration with them?  Do you go on and on with your spouse vetting out that frustration with them?  Do you get angry and punish your spouse for his or her family’s faults?

I love to serve others.  Acts of service is one of my primary love languages.  Accordingly, I look for opportunities to bless those around me – especially my family … often to the point of sheer exhaustion.  Understanding how important time alone for married couples with children is, my husband and I have volunteered time and time again to give his sisters a time out by taking their children and creating fun memories with them.  Holidays are huge highlights during the year in which I will often take the reigns and volunteer to serve the family, resulting in a three-day feast and house cleaning preparation.  This is my love language to my husband and to our family.  Being brutally honest with you – I expect this same love language in return.  Did you catch that?  I EXPECT!  What happens though, is a different love language being reciprocated to me.  Unfortunately my expectation has me looking for an act of service, and I can be blinded to see the return blessing that comes in another form of love.  When you truly love someone, your kindness and gifts to him or her should be without a return expectation.  If you have that expectation, then you are probably not doing it out of the goodness of your heart.

Equally important to the condition of your heart is your outward expression to your spouse.   You can completely obliterate all your efforts if you allow your disappointment to turn to anger or resentment.  Resist the urge to complain and run down your spouse’s family members (no matter how deserving you think they are of your scorn) as this does not resolve the problem, and it serves to hurt your spouse.  These are the people he has grown up with all his life.  The people that God chose to give him or her as their family FOREVER!  This brings pain to your spouse and forces them to choose sides between people that he loves.  At the end of the day, no one wins, and you are all left with strife.  Better to not have served or tried to bless them.  After all, I don’t want to hear how horrible my family member is.  Before sharing an in-law frustration, try it out on yourself with your family.  How would that make you feel to hear that, and what would you be able to do to resolve it? Perhaps you may want to take that complaint down a level or two.

So what do you do if you are on the constant negative side of an in-law situation?  First, you are not responsible for the condition of their hearts.  Just as you could not make that cute boy in 5th grade like you or that girlfriend from college fall back in love with you when you broke up, you cannot change the heart of your in-law.  I’ve watched people struggle many years serving and serving with unreciprocated love and being on the receiving end of near cruelty.  In these situations, I believe a heart-to-heart talk with your spouse is well warranted.  Prayer also becomes a necessity.  AND stop pouring yourself into a relationship that is stealing your joy.  Instead, pour that energy and joy into your spouse and other loved ones around you.  The Bible commands us to respect our elders and to love your neighbors as yourself … how much more important it is to do that for our family members!  Look for a healthy balance serving /loving your in-laws that will not leave you bitter and antagonistic toward your life-partner.

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