By Ashley McIlwain
At every corner there lurks danger. The potential for problems and conflict seem to pepper the future of our marriage like a field of landmines. One misstep and everything blows up in front of us. It can seem that there’s no winning at times when it comes to our marriage.
This may seem pessimistic, but there is certainly truth to it. We have a real enemy out there, Satan, who roams around seeking whom he may devour (1 Peter 5:8). God had big plans for us, and He knew that we needed a partner in crime, which is why He created husband and wife. Out of all of His creation, there was one thing He said was not good, and that was for man to be alone (Genesis 2:18). Marriage was the pinnacle of His handiwork’s perfection. Marriage was the exclamation point on His creation. And that’s why Satan immediately went to work on it.
I find it profoundly interesting that out of everything God created, there was one thing that Satan went after to destroy … marriage (Genesis 3). If nothing else, this should tell us of the importance of marriage … of its centrality and vitality to God’s plan. Nobody tries to destroy something of insignificance. But I believe Satan knew that if he wanted to destroy God’s creation it started with the heart of it, so he pulled on the very string that he thought would unravel the very fabric of God’s handiwork – marriage.
Marriage has been under attack since its inception, which is why it should not come as a surprise that marriage is still under attack. What was Satan’s tactic? To bring divisiveness to husband and wife. To pit them against one another and to separate them from God. He knew that when unity was broken in a marriage, he could then have the husband and wife working against one another instead of working together.
Why would he do that? Why does it matter? Well, Mark 3:25 says, “If a house is divided against itself, that house cannot stand.” If Satan destroys marriages, he brings down the home, and when he brings down our homes, he begins destroying the heartbeat of God’s creation. Divided from one another and separated from God, destruction is imminent.
We must be aware of both the importance of our marriage and that there is an enemy out there plotting against us. Wanting us to fail at our marriage. The only way to win a battle, let alone a war, is to know that we are in one.
The enemy isn’t your spouse. Yes, they may frustrate you, hurt you, and/or fail you. They may annoy and irritate you. They may make missteps, but they aren’t your enemy. You are a team, and a great one at that.
There are times where you will be tempted to give up. To walk away. To feel that your marriage isn’t worth fighting for anymore. That your husband or wife is hopeless. That things won’t change or can’t change. That you’ve done all that you can, but it’s just beyond repair. Most couples will experience those feelings at some point in their marriage, but I would encourage you to refuse to give up on your marriage and your spouse.
In a study conducted by a team of leading family scholars headed by University of Chicago sociologist Linda Waite, the researchers found that two-thirds of unhappily married spouses who stayed married reported that their marriages were happy five years later. Additionally, the most unhappy marriages reported the most dramatic turnarounds: among those who rated their marriages as very unhappy, almost eight out of ten who avoided divorce were happily married five years later.
Giving up on your marriage, despite how it may seem or feel, is not the easy answer. The best way to overcome a problem is to work through it. And in marriage, you’ve got a partner to help you do just that. When you remove each other as the source of the problem, you can then begin to identify the real problem and work toward a real resolution.
Dr. John Gottman, a leader in marriage research, reports that 69% of issues in marriage are not solved but rather managed. The reality is, in marriage you have two people who think differently, feel differently, and perceive differently. That is bound to create issues and difficulties. We have to stop attacking one another for those differences and starting working together to resolve and manage.
Over the course of my husband’s and my marriage, we could probably pick out four or five main problems that we’ve had to continually tackle. They creep up in different ways, but they are rooted in the same core issues. We’ve learned to manage and continue to work at them together. Unity is our best friend.
Satan would want you to believe that your marriage is plagued with too many problems. That your spouse is not worth the effort. That your marriage is beyond repair. He loves to divide and conquer.
These are lies though. Just like he lied to Adam and Eve in the garden to destroy the perfect paradise God had established, he is lying to you. There is no perfect or easy marriage. They are all hard work, and they all have problems to overcome. The question isn’t if you’ll have problems, but rather how you will tackle the ones you are certain to encounter.
We all have a tendency to be blinded and overcome by our emotions and by the immediate future. We can only see what’s right in front of us. It’s like a brick wall has been placed in front of us, and the long-term future is hidden. If we just climb over that wall though, there is a whole future ahead of us. We need to fix our eyes on something other than our immediate circumstances.
2 Corinthians 4:18 says, “So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” Hebrews 12:1-2 tells us to “throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith.” We cannot become overcome by the here and now and miss out on that which is still to come.
If you’re at a point of hopelessness in your marriage … if you’ve tried it all … if you feel helpless, then lift your eyes up. Where does your help come from? Your help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth (Psalm 121:1-2)! That’s a promise you can cling to and count on.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned in my life’s journey, it’s that the biggest storms, the darkest days, the deepest pit appears before the biggest blessings arrive. Just when I want to give up, when I think I can’t take one more step, when I don’t have an ounce of strength left, God carries me through. He lifts me up out of my pit of despair and places my feet firmly (Psalm 40:2). Even when it seems like it, He never leaves me or fails me (Deuteronomy 31:8).
Olympic hurdler, Lolo Jones recently said this of persevering:
I will stay on course. Sometimes when I am running a hard work out I get discouraged. I begin to doubt if I can finish. The pain seeps into my lungs, my legs and eventually my heart feels like it will burst. Same as in life when you hit hurdles to your goals. You get weary from trying, your heart has so much pain and begins to think it will fail… As I thought about the hardest workouts and races in my life, I know it is always most difficult right before the finish line and accomplishing what I thought I could not. So I will stay the course. I encourage you to do so as well.
Stay on course friends. Don’t give up on your marriage. Your spouse is not the enemy. There is hope, and more than that, there is a Helper out there that you can call upon to hold your hand and carry you through this season of despair (Psalm 46:1). Don’t grow weary (Galatians 6:9). Your marriage is important, and it’s worth the fight!
When you’re at the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on. –Theodore Roosevelt
Copyright © 2013, Foundation Restoration. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. No reproduction allowed without written permission from Foundation Restoration and/or the author.
THIS WAS WRITTEN JUST FOR ME !! Thank you , dear Ashely !
Joanie, that makes my heart smile! Thank you for the encouragement; I am so glad this spoke to you!
Such truth, wisdom and tenacious advice. Rest assured, Satan never gives up. He has “studied” us from our birth to identify what it will take to “make us fold” and give up, in every area of life, but especially marriage and family. If he can find that “chink” he will devour marriage, family and future generations. He is stealthy and steals our hope, our love, our hearts for one another. It is so sad to see that the world has by-and-large bought into his hateful scheme to destroy God’s creation, but there is hope, as you say, if we focus on God and His plan for us, and above all do NOT give up!
In the end, Satan loses, and that’s written in God’s word.
Thanks for your encouraging words and reminder to NEVER give up, Ashley.
Rick, it’s true; Satan is relentless. That’s why God’s word tells us to not grow weary. That clearly lets us know that there will be times we begin to feel weary, but we must seek God to continually renew our strength in fulfilling our life’s purpose and maintaining our marriage. Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
Ashley,
I read this and it makes me smile. However, in the same sense it makes me sad because I am the only one fighting and I feel like the more I fight, the more I am knocked down. My husband has filed for divorce but we still live together in the same house because neither of us can afford to move. I try to give him space and not question him. It is difficult when I love him with all my heart. There is no affection and no passion. My heart aches and our children are not being taught what true love is about nor are we setting a very good example for them as a mother and a father.
Rhonda, this breaks my heart to read, as I can only imagine the pain that you and your family feel from this fractured relationship and situation. My prayer is that God would miraculously and supernaturally intervene. That He would restore, renew, and heal all that is broken. May grace, forgiveness, communication, love, and kindness be found! I don’t know if it’s possible for you to speak with a pastor, therapist, or counselor? As a couple or even yourself if he is unwilling. Also, I would encourage you to check out The Love Dare (http://www.christianbook.com/the-love-dare-stephen-kendrick/9781433679599/pd/679599?kw=the%20love%20dare&event=PPCSRC&p=1020037). It might help give you some direction during this desperate time. I am praying for you Rhonda!! Thank you so much for so honestly sharing!
Thank You Ashley for replying back. I appreciate your prayers more than you know. I have been going to a counselor and I have also spoken with our pastor. He did go one time to speak with our pastor on his own but I feel as though he only went because I agreed to work with him through the divorce. I am praying for a turnaround and that God’s Grace will prevail. Thank you so much for what you do.
This was a great article, but what do we do if your spouse refuses to recognize any of these lessons and continues to only cause hurt to justify their actions by using blame and guilt? Even by taking it taking it out on the kids despite their feelings by withholding them from me? I pray but she has not changed and it doesn’t seem to be enough.
Dan, it’s so painful to feel as though you’re doing everything you can in your marriage without any reciprocation from your spouse. I wish there was a simple answer I could give you. Unfortunately we cannot change someone directly. We can make requests, pray, and alter our own behavior, but at the end of the day, the other person still has to choose to change or alter their behaviors. It sounds like the best option for you guys would be to see out a professional therapist, counselor, or pastor who can help break some of the cycles that are going on in your marriage. It’s always helpful to have a neutral party observe, assess, and intervene to help you guys navigate the changes necessary to make your marriage a thriving one. Sorry I can’t give you a specific way to fix it all, but I do appreciate you sharing and pray that God would help you be gracious, patient, and wise as to how to love your wife through this time. May He help draw her closer to you and begin to open her eyes to your needs, the needs of the marriage, and the needs of your children!
I am a Christian and although I know all you have said here, I still allowed myself to fall into a bind where I think i cannot fight for my marriage anymore. My husband is perfect, he just doesn’t talk. I grow bored of my wits most of the time especially as I have to stay at home and look after the kids, no job. I was at a point where I was giving up on my husband despite reading the bible this morning but I’m very glad to come across your advice. It’s wonderful and I will try to be more tolerant, my marriage is what keeps us afloat. I know that without it, life will go downhill. God is truly the answer and Jesus, the way the truth and light. Thank you very much.
Lolo, thank you for so honestly sharing with us about your situation! Marriage is a battle at times, and we can get pretty banged up and wounded. What I’ve found though is that we can’t win a battle we don’t fight. When we keep on fighting for our marriage, seeking the Lord, and loving our spouse, God moves mountains. I would encourage you that your husband isn’t the only man to be of few words. This is a common struggle for many wives that can be quite hurtful and alienating. I was just reading about this very subject in Dr. James & Shirley Dobson’s couples’ devotional called Night Light. You and your husband should pick up a copy; it takes about 10 minutes tops a night, and it just might help get the conversation flowing! Here’s the link:
Thank you Ashley for the great article. I am sorry to vent here but please bear with me. Here is my situation. I have been married for four years now, but I am increasingly getting disoriented with my wife. From the way she behaves and has told me quite often, am beginning to conclude that I am the reason she is not happy in life. I have a job that allows me to stay at home and look after our two kids and with the salary I earn, I get to pay the rent, buy food, pay bills and when I can spare some, give her. Her job pays way better than mine and has great benefits so she covers up where I cannot. Problem is, she says that she is tired of this kind of life and thinks I should be in a better job, have more money (like some people she knows) so we can have a more secure future. I agree with her and I work towards that but she thinks I am taking too long. For the most part, I do all the baby sitting and every night for the past two years I have had to wake up 3 – 6 times to feed and put our youngest child to sleep. Meanwhile she goes out with her friends on weekends, sometimes staying out pretty late. I don’t mind this most times because I trust her, and her job is demanding, while mine gives me more free time. Now, I love my kids to bits, and will do anything for them but when my wife decides to pick on my low paying job as the reason our marriage may not work out, I just gets me thinking…if I had all the money in the world, would that make me a better husband? Would she love me more? What if I lost all this money, would she stick around? I am a Christian, and I know all about love being patient, kind, long suffering e.t.c (Rom 13) but I don’t know how this will work for me. Right now we are not talking because the last time she brought the issue up, threatening to go away, I told her to go right ahead and stop holding me at ransom. Do you have any advice? Has anybody got any experiences they can share to help me?
Martin, thanks for your honesty and sharing about your situation! I’m sorry to hear that you and your wife are struggling. It sounds like you guys need to be able to sit down and have an honest conversation about what’s really going on and brainstorm solutions together. In my opinion, it would be very helpful to enlist a Christian professional in facilitating this discussion to help keep the emotions at bay and get to the heart of the issue. Your church probably has a referral list, but you can also do a search through Focus on the Family http://www.focusonthefamily.com/counseling/find-a-counselor.aspx, or the American Association of Christian Counselors http://www.aacc.net/resources/find-a-counselor/. Praying for wisdom and the ability to clearly communicate with one another about this issue!
Ashley,
Great article. Going through a divorce now and there are certainly days I want to throw in the towel. God has certainly showed me that HE is the only one that can restore my marriage to my beautiful Jen.
It has been very disappointing to discover that the majority of the Christian community is dead on the subject of marriage restoration. I will keep fighting by hitting my knees.
Thanks,
Geoff
Hi Ashley,
I realize your writing was from last year, but I thought I’d try to reply anyway. Here’s my situation.
My husband divorced me for another woman. He moved out and that was that. It turns out the “woman” he left me for was a girl who just turned 18. Their relationship, unbeknownst to me, began when she was 14. He was investigated for this and as a result of that, was found to have a prolific child pornography collection. Here I was for 10 years, trying to work on my marriage, not understanding what I did wrong, when it turns out he was never interested in me because I wasn’t a child. (Shudder!) I was 23 when I married. A good girl and didn’t live with him before marriage. I had no idea how to spot a pedophile. I knew our marriage problems were not my fault…through divine intervention I learned after our divorce that there was nothing I could do to fix anything or make it better. I only thank God now that he is in jail and our child has been kept safe from harm. My question is; are their situations where walking away from marriage is okay? I’m a Christian and I took my marriage vows seriously. I was a very good and faithful wife. But all I read in religious circles is how divorce is wrong and how I am commiting adultery if I remarry. I did not commit a sin relating to my marriage. I only wish I knew more what my ex was up to so I could have stopped it earlier. But why do I feel like I am living the repercussions of his sin forever? Why do Christians judge me for my divorce? Surely I cannot be wrong here for the outcome of my marriage? Where is my redemption from this horrid situation? How do I determine what God’s will is for a woman in my position? I have been praying for years since this happened to no avail…
Sincerely,
Krista
Hello, I am truly struggling and I have no one to confide in. I lied to my husband about a situation that I had moved on from and asked God forgiveness for. This situation was before my husband & I got together. Prior to getting married he knew the truth from looking at old text messages to a friend. Without going into detail & making this lengthy, I brought up the matter and lied. To this day I’ll never understand why in my anxiety, I brought it up and in a text. Also in trying to understood and express my needs I was not hearing my husbands needs. Unfortunately our marriage has been long distance due to employment and this has only added to our stress. We are still newlyweds. The first 3 months were not the best and the last 2 were spent on all that was wrong. I have spent much time in pray, taking care of my spiritual needs and job searching. My eyes and heart have been opened to many things about myself to include why I didn’t hear his needs. I have seen many things I could have done differently not just for the moment but to be the woman and wife I seek to be for life. I know many things about my thinking have changed and I am so grateful to God. I truly believe the old me had to die for my marriage and for the life I want. But now my husband has checked out and wants out of the marriage. I am trying to stay strong and trust in God. It is hard especially being so far away. I’m really afraid, I don’t know why all this had to happen to see how much I truly love my husband. I had only known how to react in pain, neglect and not being loved. I had to get trained (mentally & emotionally) to being loved and wanted. I’m not giving up on God or my marriage because I believe. Since I can’t talk to anyone about this I just need encouragement. Thank you!
Hi there. For those of you who have a really bad marriage I would recommend David Clark’s book What to do when your spouse says I don’t love you anymore. Sorry my phone refuses to copy the link. this is a book I heard about on a focus on the family radio program. I spent a conciderable amount of time studying the word of God and therefore almost never run across a book that I can really say I 100% agree with. When I heard about David Clark’s book on that radio program I just thought Wow! For once someone has written a book that I can 100% agree with. I have read the book and would recommend it to anyone not only for marriages but for expanding one understanding of relationships in general. Worth every penny!
I came across your site after just having a past thought event on how I missed all the red flags before getting married. 10 years; 3rd marriage now age 59. Keeping both eyes open before was ignored and now 10 unhealthy years later – I feel hopeless. Thanks for the message here.
God always knows what we need and His timing is always perfect! I needed this tonight. My husband and I are currently separated, but neither of us want divorce to be the final decision. This article reminds me to stand firm on the promise that God is in control, and that if we do our part and keep our eyes on Him, then he will see us thru this.
My wife says marriage is doomed. It cannot be brought back to life. She’s given up on me because of my past struggle with a certain type of pornography which I no longer struggle with. Please pray that God would bring restoration