By Erin Hensche

Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Well, at least that’s what the old adage says. But is there any validity to that statement? If you had asked me that question at the beginning of mine or my husband’s aviation career, the answer would have been a resounding no. After a few years of dating and almost two years of marriage, believe it or not the answer has somewhat changed.  Now before some of you jump to conclusions or get offended, let me explain.

When I met Jeremy, I was in flight school. He was a flight instructor turned cargo pilot. My world and emotions were invested wholly in grandiose aspirations and idealistic, if not somewhat romantic, perceptions of being a commercial pilot. Admittedly, they were skewed perceptions, but those misconceptions served as a launching pad to fulfill my lifelong dream of being a pilot.

Upon completion of flight school, I started flight instructing in multiple states making an attempt to build experience and flight time. Meanwhile, Jeremy got hired at an airline. The excitement and novelty of both of our jobs quickly became overshadowed by the harsh reality that they entailed more than flying airplanes and enjoying an office with a breathtaking view of God’s magnificent creation. Naively, we believed we had adequately understood and prepared for the lifestyle our careers now demanded. However, as with any job, the mental and emotional impact of our career choice was not fully understood until we were completely invested. The sacrifice required could only be fully appreciated through experience, not explanation. Even so, I can honestly say neither of us regrets doing what we love. It truly is a labor of love. Anyone who has pursued their dream can identify. No job is perfect. That being said, there was a steep learning curve ahead.

Our dating relationship soon became riddled with frustration and anxiety, exposing areas of weakness and much needed growth.  It was a test of love and commitment to each other. I quickly learned that my self-perceived “relationship expertise” were no match for the reality ahead. Common areas of struggle were communication and quality time together. What seemed to be the perfect man and perfect relationship quickly became something short of a disappointing fairytale. As time progressed and jobs changed so did our relationship.

After three years I found myself at my first airline job. The realization that time together would become all the more scarce as we were both now committed to flying four day trips for different airlines based in different states, all the while maintaining different seniority became a seemingly insurmountable challenge. Over the course of the next few years we found that communication and personal interaction at the necessary levels were scarce commodities and the ability to balance work, personal life and distance was unmanageable.

As a female with the love languages of affirming words and physical touch, I felt as though I was starving. I desperately longed for the opportunity to look Jeremy in the eyes and tell him what was on my mind or share the exchange of a hug after a difficult trip which would supply the warmth and encouragement I needed without the utterance of a word. Jeremy’s love languages meant me offering unconditional respect and support which often corresponded with times of my greatest emotional needs. Unfortunately, this often resulted in hard feelings and arguments which were the products of miscommunication stemming from the lack of interaction between us. He felt neglected and disrespected, and I felt unimportant and ignored. The deficits in our love tanks left us feeling empty, angry, hurt and alone.

The dilemma was that in our absence from each other it became easy to develop an indifference to problems and our relationship. It also made it easier to sweep ongoing issues under the rug and suppress the hurt because in a day or two one of us would inevitably be packing for another trip any way. It became an avoidance strategy that allowed us to run from hurt and pain and perpetuate the growing relational problems we already faced. The unfortunate part of this is that we became numb to our partner’s needs as well as our own, and it only created a larger crevasse in the emotional desert we were already in. Much like a light switch, I began to turn my feelings on and off at will, and in doing so, I built walls and resentment. The thing I loved and needed the most was the one thing I was shutting out of my life.

Funny how we hurt the ones we love as we try to protect ourselves. The scary thing is that Satan uses these deficits as well as our wounds and heartache to present an opportunity to destroy the person and the relationship. After Jeremy and I got married, the problems didn’t go away. The pain, hurt and miscommunications still occurred just to a lesser extent, and with time we have realized quite a few things.

For starters, there is no shortage of temptation for those whose job requires them to travel be it short or long term – from airline crews to businessmen and women and military personnel. The cards are already stacked against you. Therefore, it is imperative to structure your marriage or relationship in a fashion that brings glory to God and honors your partner. Set yourself and your relationship up for success.

As I mentioned before, initially I was no fan of the time and space apart that our jobs required. Don’t get me wrong, I am still not fond of the lifestyle or the months where we may see each other a mere seven or eight days. I don’t believe that continual time away from one’s spouse is necessarily a good or easy thing, but I do believe there is a bit of truth to the old absence adage in small quantities. I also believe that there are constructive and practical ways to help your marriage thrive instead of merely survive. Perhaps you cannot change your circumstances, but you can change your attitude and learn to dance in the rain. Here are a few tips for survival that I have found helpful over the years.

Absence

  1. Treat your spouse with love, honor and respect. Learn their love language, and apply it on a daily basis or as often as you can. If there is one thing my husband and I have learned it is this: No one cares more about your marriage than you. Invest in it. If you don’t, then someone else will.
  2. PRAY FOR YOUR SPOUSE! Satan, our adversary roams about like a roaring lion seeking whom he may devour (1 Peter 5:8). According to John 10:10 he has come to kill, steal and destroy. He is no advocate of you or your marriage. Praying for your spouse, whether they are the one at home or away, is of utmost importance! I cannot stress this enough! Temptations are all over the place. Don’t believe me, take a drive down the interstate and look at some of the billboards, turn on your TV or take a walk downtown. Temptation is everywhere. Man or woman, the day and age we live in is not conducive to faithfulness. Your spouse, whether at home or on the road, needs your prayers from the people they interact with to the transportation they take, to the hotel rooms or quarters in which they stay. Cover them and yourself with prayer.
  3. Have a good support system. You may not be able to live near family, but you can surround yourself with people of the same values and beliefs. Get involved in your church or join a couples group that will give you the support and accountability you need while interacting with people who may very well face some of the same challenges.
  4. Talk, text, email, Skype or write letters as often as you can. Communication is so important. And though your circumstances may not afford you the luxury of regular interaction, use what you have to encourage and love on your spouse. Always end on a good note. It is sometimes VERY difficult as distance between lends to irritability and sometimes problems on the home front. Prioritize. Make problems and frustrations from your day a footnote and not the headline as difficult as that may be. Chances are your spouse is just as stressed as you with circumstances that distance does not allow you to see, so be as patient as you need them to be.
  5. Make the times together special. Whether you have a family or not, take time to do one thing together that brings you both joy. It will remind you why you are together in the first place and help you refocus on what is really important … your relationship.
  6. When you or your spouse feel discouraged, write a list of scriptures that deal with the emotions and circumstances you face. Nothing encourages, uplifts and commands authority over your relationship like Scripture! Write them down, and memorize them. When circumstances bring you down they will lift you up.

Keep in mind that your circumstances are just that, circumstantial. They do not have to control your life. Living in bondage is a choice. Choose not to. When thoughts of discouragement and anxiety creep in, refer to your arsenal of Scripture you stashed away for moments like these.  Choose to be productive with your time and in your relationship. Instead of holing yourself up in frustration and depression while away from your spouse, do something that will benefit yourself. Maybe that means joining a gym, taking a walk, starting a house project, learning a new skill like canning food, that you and your spouse can benefit from. If funds allow, discuss the option of going to school part time to finish the degree that you started years ago. Doing so will increase your confidence and help you learn to live your life to the glory of God fulfilling His purpose one day at a time.

Now the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope, through the power of the Holy Ghost.  – Romans 15:13

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