By Trisha Davis
Foreword by Ashley McIlwain
Justin & Trisha Davis just released a new book that you’re going to want to get your hands on . . . that is, if you are ready to join the movement away from an ordinary marriage.
It’s called Beyond Ordinary.
In this beautifully written book, Justin and Trisha take us inside the slow fade that occurred in their own marriage—each telling the story from their own perspective. Together, they reveal the mistakes they made, the work they avoided, the thoughts and feelings that led to an affair and near divorce, and finally, the heart-change that had to occur in both of them before they could experience the hope, healing, and restoration of a truly extraordinary marriage.
Visit www.BeyondOrdinaryBook.com today and download a FREE 2-chapter sample of the book PLUS access additional FREE RESOURCES that are available for a limited time.
Today, Trisha shares with us about part of her journey from pain to forgiveness, and ultimately, forgiveness …
Forgiving the Cheating Pastor
In the fall of 2005 my husband Justin, the lead pastor of the church we planted in 2002, confessed he was having an affair with our children’s director. She not only was a staff member but also my best friend of seven years. With one confession I lost my husband, my best friend and my church family. I had to make one of the hardest decisions of my life. Would I become bitter knowing that bitterness leads too bondage? Or become broken knowing that brokenness leads to forgiveness and through forgiveness comes freedom?
Most of us have a story of being mistreated, betrayed, abused, lied to and the list could go on and on. Being a Christian seems to complicate forgiving the person(s) that hurt you especially when they don’t deserve it. But lets be honest, even when we think we should forgive we have no idea what that means in the context of ourown story. Forgiveness can be so frustrating!
Matthew 18:23-33 tells the parable of the Unmerciful Servant. Jesus paints a picture of a servant that owed a great debt to his master. The master chooses to forgive the servant’s large debt completely! The servant then returns home only to demand that one of his servants pay him back in full the small amount he was owed.
The servant was “wicked” because although he was forgiven for his HUGE debt, he wouldn’t forgive his servant’s small debt. This story makes sense right? But then I realized … oh wait … God are you telling me that I am the unmerciful servant because I won’t forgive…
- My spouse who cheated on me?
- The mother-in-law who constantly puts me down in front of my kids?
- The drunk driver who took the life of my teenage daughter?
- My dad who left me?
- The man who raped me?
- My business partner that cheated my family out of everything we own?
- The church who said they had my back until I screwed-up or I was no longer needed?
A year after the affair I felt like God was calling me to write a letter to the “other woman.” I needed to tell her I forgave her. I wanted her to know God had given me eyes to see that the affair was a manifestation of a deeper brokenness within both of them. I told her I loved her and her family and would miss them no longer being a part of my life. The freedom I felt after sending the letter was amazing. I had closed that chapter of my life and now it was time to move on … so I thought.
Months went by and then years and I never received a response. Over time I felt myself spiraling into that deep place of pain … AGAIN. Slowly the feelings of anger and bitterness started to creep in. I poured my heart out, forgave her, extended grace and she doesn’t even respond?
I had offered forgiveness the best way I knew how. What I later realized was that my understanding of forgiveness was really not forgiveness at all.
I thought I was the “Master” forgiving her of her great debt. She was the unmerciful servant never responding to me! But by God’s grace I came to realize what you probably don’t want to hear. I realized that I, too, am the unmerciful servant when I choose not to forgive freely!
Jesus died for MY SINS when He did nothing wrong. He was spit at, cursed at, beaten, abused, and hung on a cross to die a slow death so that I could have eternal life with Him. Whatever your story, whatever your hurt, He knows and understands. Forgiveness is a gift from the Father that brings freedom and life.
Forgiveness is painful. It may at first feel like you are being crucified when trying to forgive. Forgiveness may never make sense, and reconciliation may never happen. With or without forgiveness, you will feel pain. The difference between the pain of forgiveness and the pain of resentment is the pain of forgiveness is redemptive pain. Resentment will only bring destructive pain. But each time I choose to forgive, I am set free and a part of my heart is healed.
Forgiveness leads to freedom.
Copyright © 2013, Foundation Restoration. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. No reproduction allowed without written permission from Foundation Restoration and/or the author.
Justin & Trisha Davis met at Lincoln Christian University. Justin received his BA in Christian education, and Trisha later earned her BA from Indiana University. The Davises’ return to ministry is the result of a victorious battle for their marriage and family. In 2009 they founded RefineUs Ministries, Inc., to ignite a movement in the church and among pastors and church planters to build healthy marriages and families. Today Justin and Trisha are bloggers, authors, and teachers in Nashville, TN.
So powerful. Thank you.
Went through this many years ago, with my prior wife, now deceased. Unfortunately I can’t undo the things I did, but I did learn from the experience. Putting God first really makes a difference in a marriage. I’m still learning but keeping my trust in Jesus.
Jerry, thank you for sharing! We all make mistakes, but like you have done, it’s important to learn from those. A relationship with Christ helps us to have a higher accountability to ourselves, our spouse, and our family as well as supernatural strength to resist temptation. What a powerful testimony you must have; thank you for sharing!
Great article! So important for all couples to read. You really delve into important topics. Thanks
Erin, thank you! I thought it was great to touch on a subject that doesn’t really get talked about a lot, so I was thrilled to have Trisha as a guest writer. Thanks for the feedback!
Sometimes we learn the hardest lessons the hardest ways. Remember, however, that God won’t waste your tears. If you allow it, He can use your failure (no matter how bad it was) to mold you into something which will bring glory and honor to Him. It won’t be easy and it won’t feel good, but in time He can do it. I know this sounds crazy, but one of the best things that ever happened to me was I failed my wonderful wife and cheated. I hate that sin with all my heart now and I have never repented so hard for anything, but God has used it to temper my faith and my relationship with my wife. Trust God, he knows what He is doing!
A few years back an In law cheated on a sibling of mine, and left them with their 3 kids in tow to go live with the old friend they had reconnected with on FB. It’s been rough for both families and both parents on so many levels. It’s uncovered brokenness on many levels and has taught me, a bystander who loves both people, so much about Gods heart and His forgiveness….and the grace He wishes us to extend to others. I just was recently told the pastor of our church has had an affair. There are many who are so upset and feel betrayed but my heart breaks in such a different way. I pray fervently for restoration for our church and for this family….and that God would be glorified instead of what the enemy would rather happen. We are *all* broken…that is my heart perspective in all of this!
Jennifer, thank you for sharing! Clearly you have had a front row seat for the devastation an affair can cause, and through that it seems you have also developed a unique outlook on it seeing the need for grace and forgiveness. I know of many marriages that have suffered the blow of infidelity, and it’s such a painful thing but not something that is insurmountable. Many marriages, through the grace of God, are able to be restored and healed from that betrayal. It’s true that we are all broken and in need of grace and forgiveness, which isn’t an excuse to live recklessly, but a sanctuary for when we do stumble and fall. Thanks so much for sharing!
I am a pastors wife whose husband was the love of my life. We were together for 49 years of which 15 of those years I was aware he had been unfaithful to our vows and we had counseled for many years. Then one day pornography came to light also and I could not bear anymore. I was a broken woman who wanted her marriage restored and it wasn’t happening.
We did separate and eventually divorced.
I told him I had forgiven him …but did I?
A few years later our oldest grandchild was graduating from high school and we were both there. I didn’t recognize him until he spoke to me..his voice made me realize who he was. At the end of the day his wife came to me and thanked me for being so kind to her that day. She had dreaded meeting me for fear I would be so very angry for taking him away.
It was that night I realized God had clouded my eyes for a short time but had opened them to the other woman who in her own way was able to ask forgiveness and allow me to plant a seed from my Savior into her life. Yes I told her how hurt I had been but that God had seen me through and I had forgive both of them.
Several years have again passed and another grandchild has graduated from high school but this time circumstances did not have us cross paths or even be able to be at graduation. He will always have a place in my heart as we were sweethearts for so long. But life has gone on and I can only thank God for seeing me through
Wow..that’s amazing..It’s really sad though..
Why after so much counselling? I don’t know I would cope with what you went through.