By Ashley McIlwain

When we think of struggles, we often cringe. No one wants to go through difficult or tough times. They’re never fun. They’re always taxing. We come out the other side bruised, battered, and wondering what happened and why. Add a spouse (or significant other) to the equation, and those tough times are even less appealing and more daunting.

The thing is, the tough times, especially in a relationship, are what strengthen and refine us. They are opportunities … hidden gems even. Before you think I’ve gone off the deep end, hear me out.

When I look back on my life, my biggest growth spurts as a person came at the hand of a trying time. In some instances I thought I would break under the burden of my load. For example, when I was ten years old my house burned down. My sister and I were home cooking when the grease we were using exploded. We lost everything that day, but we also gained everything that day. Through that time, one of the most devastating experiences of my life, I came to realize what truly mattered. I developed a dependence on Christ, learned about forgiving myself, and discovered that the stuff of this world means nothing and can be gone in an instant. Even at ten years old, that time of devastation was a time of tremendous growth.

In every dark and despairing time in my life, I found that on the other side was a blessing. From each situation, I would emerge stronger, wiser, and more thankful than ever for my faith in God. The same is true in my marriage.

Steve and I recently spoke at a marriage class, and one of the things we shared about was the struggles we’ve faced and overcome as a couple. A lot of couples and individuals we talk to think that a good, healthy relationship will be free from issues, problems, or fights. I hate to burst your euphoric bubble, but this just isn’t realistic. Every relationship has its obstacles and challenges to overcome. It’s not the lack of problems that signifies the success of a marriage; it’s how you handle them.

I always like to say that tough times are marriage workouts. To build your body’s muscles, you have to work out. Similarly, in marriage, tough times are like marriage workouts where you build your marital muscles. You strengthen your communication skills, commitment, and overall ability to work together to overcome things. This is also where intimacy, respect, love, and vulnerability are all forged.

Avoiding conflict isn’t the goal in a marriage. Overcoming conflict together is the goal.

When you approach a problem this way, you alter your attitude in a way that clears the path for resolution. To overcome a conflict together, you must realize that the end goal is not to win but rather to resolve. It’s not about proving your point, having the most examples of being wronged, or winning the argument. It’s about lovingly and respectfully coming together to identify the problem and then working together as a team to come up with a reasonable resolution that accommodates both spouse’s feelings and perspective.

I know this is easier said than done. Emotions come into play. Things get heated. And before you know it, the “conversation” has turned ugly and swirling in a downward spiral. Now what?

Stop! When things start heading in this direction for me and Steve, one of us always steps up and puts a halt to it all. For example, Steve might say, “What a second. You are shutting down on me, and that’s not going to help us get anywhere. Let’s take a step back and get things back on track.” Or, I will say, “Hold on. Let’s not allow this to get out of control. I love you, and you love me. We just need to figure out what’s going on here.” Someone needs to be able to recognize the downward spiral and not allow themselves to get sucked in.

Oftentimes, we just need reminded that we are on the same team. The goal is not to hurt, tear down, or break the other. When we seek to win in marital conflict, everyone loses. You are both trying to resolve a situation through the process of sharing your perspective, how you feel, and what you hope will result from it. That entails listening, affirming, and respecting one another.

There are times where the situation you find yourselves in is outside of your control. If you have an adult child who has cut you off and is in self-destruct mode, or you have an in-law that constantly causes issues; you may not be able to control or change their destructive behaviors. Once you’ve done what you can (i.e. established boundaries, reached out, gotten professional help, etc.), just remember that you have one another. Trust that the God who has promised is faithful (Hebrews 10:23), and weather the storm as husband and wife. You will come out the other side stronger, wiser, and closer than you were before.

Tough times are opportunities for growth – as an individual and as a couple. I’m reminded of Romans 5:3-5, “We also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us.”

You may be fighting the fights in your life. You may be trying to hide your head under the covers pretending that problems don’t surround you. You might be running away from your conflicts thinking they’ll never catch you. You might even be pushing your spouse away because you think your marriage should be issue-free, or it’s just not worth the hassle.

The truth is, in this world you will have trouble (John 16:33), and that includes your marriage. It’s realizing that running from those troubles is not the answer but rather running to them. This is a time to gain character, strength, and intimacy in your relationship. God is sovereign and will be there to help you through. Don’t just give up! These tough times are opportunities to build those marital muscles!

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